Intimate O(pi)nions

Posts Tagged ‘true love’

There is two things you can do with relationships. One is to patiently wait for true love and the other is to settle for a not-too-bad option. Both options have perks, and both have their disadvantages.

If you choose to wait, you will inevitably face the following question: What if I never find true love? What if it never happens and I’ll end up alone or end up with the left overs anyway? To overcome this anxiety, you’ll have to decide if you would be happier alone than in a luke warm relationship. You can simply decide that as long as you feel happier alone, you will break off the relationship, especially if you are not struggling with the next issue:

What if it takes too long and I’ll end up being too old to have children? This is of course the problem women face, and I am suspecting it to be a major motivator to settle for a lot of women. Some women I know are in the happy position that they already have children from their first marriage that failed miserably, so now they have all the time in the world to look for true love – or they simply don’t want kids, like me.

Dr. Phil says, like him or not, sometimes he sums up things nicely; that most decisions are based on fear. The decision to couple up is based on fear very often. Decide if that matters to you.

Then, what if you simply don’t believe in true love? Well, in that case you won’t be reading this post, and it’s irrelevant. However, if you are one of the people who believe all women/men are the same anyway, so there’s no point being choosy as long as the looks are okay, you will most likely settle on someone who is persistent enough to close you into a relationship.

Then, what about those of us, who decide to wait and see. Who have seen enough of happy relationships to know it can be done. Who know, that it happens when it happens – when do we know that it is finally good enough? How do we know we’re not just being commitment phobic when we end yet another relationship, because “this isn’t it”? Ask yourself if you are turning away from someone because you are afraid of losing your freedom or yourself or the quality of life, or you are afraid that the relationship will turn sour at some point. If you answer yes, you might be a commitment phobic. However, if you rather say “I’m not afraid of being/staying alone” rather than “I am afraid of what might follow if I stay with this person” you’re probably alright. If you are concerned about it, just google it, there are some real symphtoms for it.

Deciding on this matter is a question of preference between safe and fulfilling. Some of us are lucky and strike both at one go, most of us will have to look around a little, and take risks. But in the end, if you ask me, it was worth the risk.

Sorry for the rather unrelated photo there, but isn’t he gorgeous? *sigh* (Getting married didn’t turn me blind, sorry mate.)

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People often ask the question: “how do you know you’ve found love?” I have a very simple answer to it: Love is the answer, and if you are asking questions, you haven’t found it yet. If you are asking yourself questions like “Should we move in together” or “what are the pros and cons of us staying together” you know the answer isn’t love. Pros and cons are for bargaining, it means that you are giving up something, and if you feel you are giving up something, you haven’t found love, at least if you wonder if this person is worth giving something up for.

People say that when you have found love “you just know it”. That is true. You know it, because all questions stop popping into your head. There’s no more “does he/she really love me back?” any more than “do I really love him/her?” going around in your head. All that is left is just a calm knowledge that all is well and how it should be.

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Often when you read dating advice it gives you the idea like you were applying for a job. We have to realize that finding a soul mate is not like finding a job. When you are looking for a job, you want to impress and show all the qualities that will BENEFIT the company you are applying for, but when you are looking for love, you are there to find someone who will love you for the real you. That’s not to say you shouldn’t put your best foot forward, but don’t fake it. It doesn’t matter if all the other people on the site think you’re a complete douchebag, as long as there is that special someone who goes and reads the words of a soul mate. Someone they can really relate to and imagine watching the telly with for the rest of their lives without arguing over the channels too much.

Although I tell you not to fake it, I tell you to do your best at writing your profile or your dating add. Go out of your way with it, and don’t hold back. Don’t just list your favourite things you like to do or what you wear, that won’t reveal any information about your soul, not even to your soul mate. Do the best you can to be a genuine you, and fear not, if someone ridicules you for it, fuck ‘em. In the end you might have the last laugh after they’ve gotten divorced 3 times and you’re blissfully in love with your wife or husband. Love comes to those who are brave enough to go after it with all that they’ve got, and if you’re not brave enough to do that, then you’re just going to have to get used to the idea that you’ll never find the one.

Remember while you write, that you are writing to the love of your life. He or she will not mock you for it, ever. They will embrace it, love it and print it out for the kids to read when they grow up. That piece of writing could be read out at your wedding, the magical piece that brought your love to you. Be an idiot if you must, there will be an other idiot just like you, who will sigh of relief when they read your add. They will go: “Finally, someone who will understand me, someone I can trust myself to be around. Someone I can relate to.” Having a fantastic job, Armani suit or Versace dress, cooking exotic food every night and surfing over weekends are not required to find love. Trust me, there will be someone just like you, looking for someone just like you.

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One very important thing about finding the right relationship is to know what exactly it is that you’re aiming at. The sad fact is that most of us don’t have a real life model of true love. Even if it existed, it’s sometimes hidden really well from the outsiders, as lovers often have a world of their own where nobody else sees. We are not doomed to not knowing though, as there are resources we can use to learn to know love. Unfortunately, a lot of the most commonly used secondary resources are complete gobbledygook. We have all seen movies about romance. They only go as far as the boy getting the girl, and only very rarely describe good relationship with any realism that could help you see into a good relationship if you haven’t had the fortune of watching your parents or other people around you. Occasionally there is a quote or two that can bring light into it, like in the movie “Good Will Hunting”, the character played by Robin Williams tells Matt Damon’s character what he misses his about his wife. He says what he misses is the little things that you share when you let someone into your world. Then he goes on describing how she used to wake herself up at night with a loud fart, and he always told her it was him and apologized, as he didn’t have the heart to tell her it was she who was farting. It is rare in movies that the real romance is shown, as the real romance is usually quite mundane and well – Not very romantic in the classical sense, as you can grasp from that example.

The real romance is not about having heated arguments and then having heated reconciliations, and excitement in everyday life but quite the opposite. A real loving relationship is calm, quiet and kind. Sounds awful doesn’t it? But if you think about two horses, who lay their huge heads on top of each other to mutually stop into a moment, while quietly chasing the flies off themselves and each other, you might see why it’s not awful. It is a space that is safe when the rest of the world crumbles down around you. It is a person you know you can return to and feel admired, respected and loved on your worst day, and not the person who makes you excited about the possibility that he or she might love you this time – or might not. Unbelievably often people mistake the mere need to be accepted as true love, and this mistake might prove to be fatal – and I’m not kidding. This is exactly the need that abusive spouses count on when luring you in.

Coming back to examples we all know, let’s take Sex and the City and the four girls. Which one of the final couples do you think had the most chance in true happiness? I’m betting you’ll say Carrie and Big, but unfortunately, you’re wrong. Steve and Miranda is the correct answer. Carrie and Big were all about the need to be validated and approved in the end, while Steve and Miranda had their relationship based on friendship and respect. Of Carries boyfriends, the only guy who had a clue about anything was Aidan. Unfortunately it takes two, and Carrie is pretty clueless!

To put a real goal into your future relationship, imagine yourself in it. SEE yourself happily married. What is it like? What makes you so happy? How does it feel to feel pure joy when the other half of you two walks in the door after a long day at work? How does it feel like to be completely safe and respected and loved, and never having to doubt that? Imagine that when you go to bed each nigh for the next week.

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