Intimate O(pi)nions

Posts Tagged ‘Theology’

Today I wanted to remind you all about safety, even if you are on a Christian dating site. The following is not limited to Christians of course, but I am just making a point. Sometimes I notice that people are very sceptical about online dating in general, but they drop their guard when they go on a Christian dating site, thinking that since they are people of faith, they cannot be bad. Unfortunately, this could not be further from the truth. Christian sites are the PRIMARY target to go to if you are an abusive man with the perfect mask on your face. (I suppose the same goes for women, even though they are a much rarer group.) For someone with a serious personality disorder it is the easiest thing to do to put on a mask when everything you are supposed to say, appreciate and do is written down in one book – the bible. Sadly, the lonelier you are and the higher standards you have for a devout man, the better target it makes you. Let me paint you a worst case scenario.

You meet up with a guy who sounds like a very upstanding, picture perfect character. He believes in God, goes to the church every Sunday and speaks of religious matters without getting lost with words or showing to be ashamed of such topics, like some of these non-religious guys you know do. He speaks strongly about moral values, how he is against sex outside marriage and all that. He may admit to have sinned before, but that he has prayed for his sins and he believes they have been forgiven, and he also asks you if you would forgive him for them. He might also tell you how misunderstood he has been in the past, by his parents, his boss, his ex-wife, even. You think you have finally found a good devout born again Christian, and what’s the best thing about it; he talks about marriage on the first date and proposes on the second. You believe you have finally found a man who hasn’t got commitment issues and is serious about the sanctity of marriage.

Your friends and family are telling you to slow down, but you ignore them, because you know him better than they do. They just don’t understand how you got the reply to your prayers in this man, and they haven’t experienced true love like this. And you are not going to join all those people who judge him for his past sins! You grind your teeth together and decide you’re going to marry this guy whether they like it or not! You may even go into straight on battle with your concerned loved ones, but you stick to your guns and marry him.

Not long after you begin to realise that everything isn’t quite as rosy as you thought it was. His mask is starting to slip. You realise he has anger issues, but he manages to keep them at bay and he always apologies, and also reminds you that forgiveness is the road to God. He points out that none of us is perfect, and that is why we need the forgiveness of Jesus, his sacrificial blood that was shed for our sins. You agree that he is telling the truth and forgive him, because that is what Christians do, besides, you are married already and you are better to make things work. You decide not to mention anything to anyone, as that would be just too embarrassing after they all warned you, and also, you wouldn’t want to worry them anyway.

Slowly things start to get worse. When he gets angry, he no longer just snaps at you, first he shouts, then he slaps and in the end, he hits you so that you fall off your feet. He’s telling you that you are not acting like a Christian wife should and that you have too many wandering thoughts, your skirt is too short or you have one too many buttons open in your shirt, or it’s totally too form-fitting. He needs to set you straight, because that is what a devote Christian husband does, he has to protect you from the influence of the devil, even if it meant he has to beat the devil out of you. You agree that this is what the bible says, and try to conform to his ideal of a perfect wife, you change the way you dress, talk and act. You even change what you are watching on the telly, and if there’s a man on the telly, you make sure you don’t smile or look too interested, because he would teach you not to lust after other men. You do your best to be a good wife, but no matter what you do, he always seems to find something more that is wrong with you. Some days though, he is so loving and caring towards you, that you find yourself thinking that this must be the turning point of your marriage… Before it happens again.

Soon, you get used to your life, and decide this is pretty much the way things are. If you have had children, which most likely you have, the first time you realise something is wrong when your 4-year old looks up to you with big moist eyes and asks you: “Are there daddies who don’t hurt mommies?” That is when you decide you have to get out of there, for your child’s sake. You know however, that getting out is not as simple as ordering divorce papers and having them signed, because your husband believes in no such things as divorce. He consideres you something he owns, not to mention his kids, and your leaving means waiting for the right time, when he is out of town for a few hours, just enough for you to scrape together a few things for the kids and yourself and get out of the house running for the bus, because he won’t let you drive. If you are lucky, you still have a friend to help you, but you have most likely had to cut all contact to your friends and family because they weren’t wholesome enough for your husbands taste and he had to cut out the bad influence from your life. So you get to the women’s shelter hoping that he won’t follow, but you know he will.

It will become a years long battle for custody, and you have to prove to the officials over and over again, that it is not you who abuses the children, it is not you who is out of your mind… He puts on that charming face when ever he meets any of them, and they call you up and tell you a sob story about your perfect ex husband and how difficult all of this is for him and how you should at least consider what is best for your child.

And still, you know you were one of the lucky ones. You got out alive.

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