Intimate O(pi)nions

Posts Tagged ‘online dating’

When people talk about online dating, it always comes up that it’s very dangerous. I disagree. While everyone knows that there are dangers involved, we also know that going to your favourite night club and getting pissed out of your brain is not exactly safe either. It’s not like these predators were born with the dawn of online dating, they existed well before the Internet. In the “real life” when we go out, we are used to following certain safety rules, like we don’t leave our drinks unattended so someone can spike them, we don’t hitch hike for a ride with strangers… Well, some people do, but we all know that’s not very wise, but we certainly don’t take walking short cuts through the ghettos, right? In the real life, even after you’ve made all precautions possible, you will be in trouble before you know it, and you can disappear without a trace.

And that is where the biggest difference comes with the Internet. EVERYTHING you do is logged. It doesn’t take much effort for the police to track down the site you used to get the date, with whom and from there move on to what else has your latest date been up to and with whom. That’s not much of a consolation if you have already been killed, but the fact is that the predators know this as well as the rest of us. Even though they could cover their own tracks online, they can’t cover yours. Unfortunately, they too can give false information on the site, and hide who was using it. Therefore, the most important thing for you to remember is NEVER to go on a date without seeing your date’s photo, and if your date doesn’t look like the one you thought you’re going to date, get out. It’s not being shallow, it’s being safe (and don’t get greedy if he/she turns out looking better than the photo, as in not the same person -better). And a good precautionary measure to take is to print out the profile and leave a copy of it by your desk with a date and place written on top if you don’t want to tell your friends. (Nobody needs to know you do that, right?)

The thing that people consider dangerous online, is that you can pretend to be anything you want, and that it’s completely anonymous. What they don’t seem to get, is that the same is true for everyone. You too can be completely anonymous, and only tell things that you want to tell. To go further, you can also lie to people face to face. People who are comfortable writing lies are most likely comfortable telling lies to your face as well. If they’re not, then you’re going to find it out on your first date, no harm done, right? The fact is, that you won’t get in trouble online, you can only get in trouble when online date turns into an offline date. The dangers online is not the anonymity of it, but the fact that there’s a lot more unknowns involved, but the same unknowns that make it dangerous narrow down the amount of offenders who are skilled enough to abuse those unknowns, as you need to be quite the hacker to actually sneak your way into your life without you enabling them. It’s a lot easier to do offline anyway, but if you want to do it online, there’s no reason why you wouldn’t do it on Facebook. Facebook reveals a lot more information about you than most dating sites ever will. You’re surrounded by your friends, but how many times have you accepted a friend request from a person you don’t exactly know, simply because you didn’t want to be rude?

In the “real life”, if someone attacks you, they are not very likely to do that where people can see them. And obviously, it could be any number of people. The attacker has to do a lot of attacks before they can narrow down the possible offenders without any eye witnesses. Online, it only takes one well prepared date to go wrong and the police will at least know what their suspect looks like.

Again, while IRL you can get into trouble before you see a hint of danger, online you can talk to the person for months before actually meeting them. You can keep your antennas up and see if what the person is telling you adds up. You can have webcam conversations that confirm that the profile matches the person. If the person has a violent volatile personality, you will know it sooner rather than later by the things he says to you and how he says them. If you had met this person offline, you probably would be at his apartment by then, but online, you’re still in your own, safe and sound.

The thing is; you can only get in trouble in the real life. Online, the worst they can do to you is absolutely destroy your reputation by lies or hurl abuse at you, but there’s nothing stopping people from doing that offline as well. But that is where it stops online, unless you have revealed information you shouldn’t have. Online people can only hurt you by the things you tell them. You control your mouth, not your friends, not your blabbering mother, not some random by-passer that sees you going into your house. You take the risks online, they are not taken for you like they often are offline. Offline you can be pressured into going to an after-party or to take a ride with a bunch of guys, and even though you have a feeling it’s not a good idea, your friend is insisting on going and you simply have to go with her to make sure she’s okay. Online, things like that simply don’t happen. It’s just about you and what you want to tell people. In that way, you are in complete control.

So, the safe steps in order of execution:

1. Don’t reveal personal information

2. Check that your photos don’t reveal where you are

3. Demand a photo

4. Have a web cam conversation

5. Have a voice conversation over the phone or preferably on Skype.

6. Print out the profile and put in the date time and the place and any other relevant information you have. (What kind of a car he/she drives. Cars are hard to hide.)

7. Go on a date on a well lit public place during day time or early evening. If the photo doesn’t match the face, get out.

8. If your gut instinct warns you, get out.

9. Keep your phone with you.

10. That’s it. Most likely all your precautionary measures have been wasted and you had fabulous time.

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– and if you think that’s true, I’ll show you a sad loser. *Holds up a mirror*

I mean, if you won’t try online dating because you think it’s for desperate people, what exactly are you saying? If you join up, you’ll get infected? People change into desperate losers because they join an online dating site? Is this the same kind of effect as listening to records backwards allegedly has? Doesn’t your attitude simply reflect a poor self-esteem? Aren’t you simply not doing something because you are afraid of a social stigma? How does that make you any better than the people who hold their heads up high in their profile picture? Your logic is lost with me.

Sure, if you’re a loser you can try online dating, but sadly you most likely won’t be any more attractive online than you are offline. People don’t change online! If you are a loser, you stay a loser no matter what kind of a monthly payment you make! The same goes with people who hook up with he opposite sex without any problems at all, they continue doing so online, but they have a lot more options to choose from! The advantage of online dating, whether you are a sad loser or not, is that you will multiply your options. That’s it. There are more people that will possibly be interested in you, and on the flip side of the coin, there are more people who you will find interesting. Using online dating doesn’t mean you have to give up or are forced to give up meeting people “in the real life”, it is just another way to meet people, another, very interesting way to do so. It is not necessarily better than doing it IRL, but it is different, and will suit a certain type of personality better, for example those WHO ARE NOT SHALLOW IDIOTS.  Online you actually have to prove you have a brain, in the real life it doesn’t seem to be that big of an issue as long as you have a pulse… (How’s that not desperate?)

What is it about online dating exactly, that you think is desperate? The fact you say that you are out there, single and looking? Didn’t everyone know that yet? If it’s that you actually admit that you want to find someone? In my opinion, it is the most natural thing to want; to find someone to share your life with (or moments even), so how is it desperate to look for love online? Or is it just because you think that the ONLY PEOPLE who use online dating are the outcasts that nobody wants? Here’s a newsflash for you: Most of my friends have found their mates online, and my friends are the type that have to fight the most eager ones off with a stick! I’m not exactly a dog either, and I found my husband online, and HE is the most amazing thing I’ve ever met, and there is no way in hell we would have met in the real life, ever. And to top that off, on average the online started relationships are more balanced and happy, because THEY KNEW WHAT THE OTHER ONE WAS LIKE before they went on to confirm it a “relationship”. You know how in the real life it is very easy to kind of get stuck with someone even though you’re not that into them because you find out too late in that you don’t really like them that much? Online you are more likely to find that out pretty early on, because you are required to communicate.

In my experience online daters are those with an iron strong self-esteem, who don’t give a toss about who is snickering at them feeling all superior because they don’t have a profile online. (At least with a picture on it, right?) Sometimes these strong people get approached as if they were desperate losers, but those hopefuls will be sadly disappointed if they think they’re going to get somewhere that way. But hey, what ever. If this is just another excuse to talk yourself out of doing something you really want to do… Not our loss. Just the next time you decide saying something to those lines, remember my mirror, and when you die alone as the sad loser you are, at least people will say: “Well, at least she wasn’t being desperate!” [/rant]

(So okay, if you are not into online dating it doesn’t automatically make you a sad loser, but it works both ways.)

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This post is for your guys out there. Some of this advice may seem pretty obvious to you, but trust me, it is not that obvious to all guys. So here we go:

1. Be respectful
This is the most important part. No matter what you are trying to achieve, whether you want to sleep with her or to marry her, this is the key. You won’t get anywhere, ever, by opening a discussion by “want to sit on my cock” or similar. If you do, you’re talking to a guy pretending to be a girl and the joke’s on you, mate.

2. Talk (chat, email) to women like you would talk to another guy you don’t know too well
Men are really good at communicating amongst each other, but for some reason some men think women are different and should be talked to differently. I actually read somewhere not long ago, that some men are physically incapable of thinking while in the presence of a woman. That would explain a thing or two, wouldn’t it? So prove that you’re not brain damaged and talk to women like an actual intelligent person would.

3. Pick your profile photo that shows your face
Women don’t like to talk to body parts, no matter how proud you are of them. Don’t make them!

4. Don’t start your profiles with silly sentences like:
“I don’t know what I’m doing here” or “Will I finally meet you this way?” or worst of all: “I’ve always thought online dating is for losers”… Why? Because they all make you seem desperate! There’s nothing as unattractive as a desperate man. In addition the last one states that you think she is a loser and you have sunk so low into your own misery that you’re now just starting to accept the fact that you’re a loser as well. Write your profile like it was just another way of meeting people, an option amongst other options, like it should be, and not the final straw you cling to!

5. If you have a sense of humour demonstrate it
Everyone claims they have a sense of humour. In fact, most of us do have a sense of humour, some of us have a bad sense of humour but still have it. If you’re funny, write funny. Don’t just say you have a sense of humour.

6. Write too long profile rather than too short.
Nobody is going to be interested in you if you only tell them you’re 185 cm tall, play soccer and go to uni. That’s all nice, but not enough to make an impression. If you have a writer’s block, like a lot of us do when writing profiles of any sort, let alone dating profiles, go offline and write about yourself in an unorganized manner onto a Word document. Don’t think about what you’re writing, just write about yourself and the girl of your dreams. When you cannot think of one more word to add, look at what you wrote and pick out the stuff you would like to put on the profile, and edit the text you have. Don’t worry about being too sensitive or not being sensitive enough, there’s going to be a gal out there who likes your style.

7. Be cool, not a tool
I say this over and over again, but when you’re online, you should always try to remain as genuine as possible. When you fake and pretend to be something you’re not, you are most likely to end up looking like a complete tool instead of cool. This goes to all your communication as well as photos and videos. Don’t try to mimic what other guys do when they do well with women, if it doesn’t come out naturally, it is not very likely to work unless you’re a fantastic actor.

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Online girls are in the unfortunate situation that they get to hear a lot of crap from men. Some of it is just what it is; crap, but sometimes the overflow of crap can make us sensitive to the normal amount of crap. You know, we all shit, but not constantly, if you know what I mean.

Some men have a porn diarrhea. The symptoms are; They cannot hold it in, but need to relieve themselves at every opportunity. This results to opening lines such as: “Hey sexy, would you want to sit on my cock?” These sort of comments will and should be left alone, as there’s nothing you can say to that. Even if theoretically you don’t mind sitting on cocks, you wouldn’t just jump to the chance when ever it comes along, especially as the said cock is nowhere near to be actually sat on.

Now, while opening a conversation with a rude line like that is pretty much a deal breaker for every woman I’ve ever met – even those who are in the sex business unless they are working at the said moment – there comes a time when a bit of inappropriateness is in order. This is the time when the man tests you, because it is not just what we want of men, it is also what they want of us – and despite the appearances, we’re not actually talking sex here.

Guys will bring up sex at some point of your conversation, maybe sooner than what you would like them to. That is done on purpose, as they test how you react to it. Keeping things prim and proper might be comfortable for you, but without some sexual teasing, you’ll never get out of the friend zone. If a guy waits for you to get out of the friend zone, that will never happen, because girls want to be taken for the ride – most of us anyway – and a man who won’t even try to take a lead on this is most likely a complete wuss and you wouldn’t want to have anything to do with him in the first place. How you react to the first attempt will determind what will follow.

If you get all pissed off at him, pull a feminist reaction or go all “I’m not that kind of a girl” on him, and sounding like you actually mean it, his reaction will probably be: “Ah, another one of these. How bloody annoying.” He will probably continue along the same lines just to see the reaction again, because he’s annoyed at you and your type. (No offense, just saying what I have experienced.) He will not even think of you as a potential spouse anymore, because he’s already pissed off at your attitude, now your entertainment value comes from how many buttons he can push and how much angrier will you get.)

However, you can say exactly the same thing and sound like you were amused by his antics, and add that he better keep his cock in his pants for a while longer, (rude expressions are perfect in this case, and you want to be more rude than he was, just to shut him up,) he will probably back off and laugh at all of it. Because you didn’t get offended, he knows he will get his chance later on, he will also know that you’re not an up tight bitch nor are you an easy lay either. You showed him his place and showed him your place as well – you call the shots, and he’ll get there when you’re good and ready.

However, some guys don’t get the hint here but keep on pushing towards sexual topics, and that’s when you can just tell them to go fuck themselves – quite literally – and move on to better guys. Personally I have rarely, I can’t remember one, to be honest, encountered such morons online or offline, but I know they are out there, mainly it seems they’re online and in USA. What ever sucked the US men brain out when they logged in, I don’t know, but finally I can say I am proud of Finnish men. What do you US girls think, are guys really not getting it there, or is this just an urban myth that American men are either religious & traditional (wife and 3 children now), have no respect for women (sit on my cock, bitch) or both (you’re my wife, sit on my cock bitch and give me a son)? Because if they are, they need to be retrained!

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For months now, me and my friend have been talking about online dating and comparing notes on how “online men” behave. She is an American and I am Finnish, and our experiences are vastly different. This makes me wonder if it is a question of attitude, luck or simply a difference in culture.

We both agree that there are a loooot of men writing idiotic and utterly moronic pointless messages to any girl online, but what seems to be different is that in America, the number of moronic online men is far greater than in Finland. I could easily weave out morons out of my inbox and simply find the cool guys, but it doesn’t seem to be that easy for my friend. I would be really interested to know about your experiences and which part of the world you had them.

I am also wondering, how much of a difference it makes which site you are using. I never really found the international dating sites that appealing when I tried them, so my friend might be onto something saying that it is the American men who have a bit of an attitude problem. Maybe I just happened to be on the right site in Finland, as even in Finland I severely disliked the other options available.

I would really appreciate your take on different sites and different countries as dating venues, and see if we can find some good ones out there. If you would care to share what sites you like and why, and what kind of things you would avoid on a dating site as a warning sign.

You can also respond to the poll on the sidebar.

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