Intimate O(pi)nions

Posts Tagged ‘goals’

Often when you read dating advice it gives you the idea like you were applying for a job. We have to realize that finding a soul mate is not like finding a job. When you are looking for a job, you want to impress and show all the qualities that will BENEFIT the company you are applying for, but when you are looking for love, you are there to find someone who will love you for the real you. That’s not to say you shouldn’t put your best foot forward, but don’t fake it. It doesn’t matter if all the other people on the site think you’re a complete douchebag, as long as there is that special someone who goes and reads the words of a soul mate. Someone they can really relate to and imagine watching the telly with for the rest of their lives without arguing over the channels too much.

Although I tell you not to fake it, I tell you to do your best at writing your profile or your dating add. Go out of your way with it, and don’t hold back. Don’t just list your favourite things you like to do or what you wear, that won’t reveal any information about your soul, not even to your soul mate. Do the best you can to be a genuine you, and fear not, if someone ridicules you for it, fuck ‘em. In the end you might have the last laugh after they’ve gotten divorced 3 times and you’re blissfully in love with your wife or husband. Love comes to those who are brave enough to go after it with all that they’ve got, and if you’re not brave enough to do that, then you’re just going to have to get used to the idea that you’ll never find the one.

Remember while you write, that you are writing to the love of your life. He or she will not mock you for it, ever. They will embrace it, love it and print it out for the kids to read when they grow up. That piece of writing could be read out at your wedding, the magical piece that brought your love to you. Be an idiot if you must, there will be an other idiot just like you, who will sigh of relief when they read your add. They will go: “Finally, someone who will understand me, someone I can trust myself to be around. Someone I can relate to.” Having a fantastic job, Armani suit or Versace dress, cooking exotic food every night and surfing over weekends are not required to find love. Trust me, there will be someone just like you, looking for someone just like you.

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One very important thing about finding the right relationship is to know what exactly it is that you’re aiming at. The sad fact is that most of us don’t have a real life model of true love. Even if it existed, it’s sometimes hidden really well from the outsiders, as lovers often have a world of their own where nobody else sees. We are not doomed to not knowing though, as there are resources we can use to learn to know love. Unfortunately, a lot of the most commonly used secondary resources are complete gobbledygook. We have all seen movies about romance. They only go as far as the boy getting the girl, and only very rarely describe good relationship with any realism that could help you see into a good relationship if you haven’t had the fortune of watching your parents or other people around you. Occasionally there is a quote or two that can bring light into it, like in the movie “Good Will Hunting”, the character played by Robin Williams tells Matt Damon’s character what he misses his about his wife. He says what he misses is the little things that you share when you let someone into your world. Then he goes on describing how she used to wake herself up at night with a loud fart, and he always told her it was him and apologized, as he didn’t have the heart to tell her it was she who was farting. It is rare in movies that the real romance is shown, as the real romance is usually quite mundane and well – Not very romantic in the classical sense, as you can grasp from that example.

The real romance is not about having heated arguments and then having heated reconciliations, and excitement in everyday life but quite the opposite. A real loving relationship is calm, quiet and kind. Sounds awful doesn’t it? But if you think about two horses, who lay their huge heads on top of each other to mutually stop into a moment, while quietly chasing the flies off themselves and each other, you might see why it’s not awful. It is a space that is safe when the rest of the world crumbles down around you. It is a person you know you can return to and feel admired, respected and loved on your worst day, and not the person who makes you excited about the possibility that he or she might love you this time – or might not. Unbelievably often people mistake the mere need to be accepted as true love, and this mistake might prove to be fatal – and I’m not kidding. This is exactly the need that abusive spouses count on when luring you in.

Coming back to examples we all know, let’s take Sex and the City and the four girls. Which one of the final couples do you think had the most chance in true happiness? I’m betting you’ll say Carrie and Big, but unfortunately, you’re wrong. Steve and Miranda is the correct answer. Carrie and Big were all about the need to be validated and approved in the end, while Steve and Miranda had their relationship based on friendship and respect. Of Carries boyfriends, the only guy who had a clue about anything was Aidan. Unfortunately it takes two, and Carrie is pretty clueless!

To put a real goal into your future relationship, imagine yourself in it. SEE yourself happily married. What is it like? What makes you so happy? How does it feel to feel pure joy when the other half of you two walks in the door after a long day at work? How does it feel like to be completely safe and respected and loved, and never having to doubt that? Imagine that when you go to bed each nigh for the next week.

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