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That is the tag line of a dating site I ran across a couple of days ago. I kid you not. As if the average dating sites were not full of these people already, apparently they need a site for this very purpose. It’s hard to describe what I felt when I read the site description. I don’t really worry about how wrong the site is doing by enabling cheating – in fact, they offer a great way for spouses to check up on their potentially unfaithful partners – but rather I’m thinking about cheaters again. Not how evil they are, and how much they hurt their partners, but how gutless they are. They might think they are brave and adventurous as they sneak behind their spouses backs, but in fact, they are really just scared shitless of directly confronting their wives and husbands and rather push that difficoult conversation until a later date – and gamble on the fact that they might never get caught.

These people reason, that “what they don’t know, won’t hurt them” and are smug enough to think that them staying in the lives of their spouses is better and less hurtful than hurting the feelings of their spouse by leaving them. It shows disrespect towards the partner, in terms of “you can’t find anyone as good as me, so you are lucky to have half of me” and instead of allowing their spouse to go free and find the kind of love they deserve, they sneak behind their back convincing themselves that they’re actually sparing their emotions. Even if the thought that they might be caught crosses their minds, they won’t consider their own wrong doing, but find the thought that their spouse will be forced to show their love and emotions toward them by showing the hurt they feel by the betrayal. And THAT is what is so exciting about it, even if you get caught, you get validated: “gee, my spouse still loves me even though I’m such a big shit.”

Popularity: 5% [?]

Lets face it. Men often go to online dating sites looking for sex. Girls don’t, not as often anyway. So how do you get online girls to sleep with you? The answer: Some of them, you cannot. Some you can, and the way to do it, is to be honest with them about what you want.

There are 3 types of girls on dating sites:
1) Those who won’t sleep with you until they know you genuinely love them. There is absolutely no point for you to try to win them over because for what you are after, they are too much trouble. (Majority group in the US, Muslim and Catholic countries, where ever religion is strongly present. Affects even those who are not religious due to cultural values.)
2) Those who are primarily looking for love, but don’t mind having a bit of casual while waiting for their prince. (Majority group in Europe, especially Northern Europe. Good to know if you want cyber sex.)
3) Those who are just after sex like you are. (Minority group everywhere.)

You are targeting the groups 2 and 3.

In your profile, write that you’re really only looking for sex. Girls who will not consider it, will skip your add and go to the next one, but that’s alright, you couldn’t have talked them into it anyway. The girls who are not very conservative but more sexual in nature, will read on and find out what are your circumstances, why you’re just looking for sex and if that suits their situation. I’ll tell you a couple of stories of when I was single. I was mainly looking for real love, but I wasn’t the type to save it for marriage, I belonged to the second group:

I once replied to a guy who was blatantly looking to hook up only. I was in a phase of my life that I had no real qualms about meeting a hot police officer for a bit of fun and play, and that was exactly what we did for a couple of months, until I met someone I was interested in in a more deep level. Then I just texted him that heya mate, had fun, time to move on, good luck in the future. No mess, we both were on the same page and it worked beautifully. I don’t think his add even had a photo on it, but I went on a date to decide if I wanted anything out of it. Quite honestly I’m not even sure he was actually a police man, but he certainly had the build for it and if he was or not didn’t really matter in that situation. (However I do believe he was the real deal, as he never acted out of character. I didn’t check his badge or anything. )

The reason why I’m sharing this is that it really pays off to be honest. What ever you’re after there’ll be someone that will go for it. If he would have pretended to be after love and then ask me for sex, I would have just told him to go fuck himself, no chance in hell he would have succeeded. Or, if he would have then changed his mind and wanted a relationship, no way! That would have ended everything as well.

Tell you another example. I knew this super hot black boxer guy (in the real life), who I had drooled over for years. I finally hooked up with him once and then about a week later he texted me that he had computer problems and maybe I could help him with it. He opened the door in his underwear, and told me his computer was fine. I was so not in the mood because I had come over to fix his computer, not his other problems and I became very annoyed and told him that the next time he wants sex, just say so and I simply left. I never met him again and all his magic had disappeared.

When you are looking to hook up for sex only, you can lie about things like your profession. It really doesn’t matter if you’re not a cop, if you can pull off the role well enough, and be prepared to give some valid advice on when to call a cop or something. Girls will argue in the comments that they don’t want fake cops. Of course they don’t, but you can create a bit of a fantasy and if you can deliver I see no problem with it. However, there’s absolutely no NEED to do that to get laid.

What you want to do writing your profile, is to sound like a fun guy, who is safe to hang out with, who has a good head on his shoulders, and isn’t too creepy. You can’t sound like you’re riddled with guilt doing that, but you’ll have to sound like what you’re dong is fine in your books and you want to find a girl who is fine with that as well. I will NOT tell you how to do all that, because if you can’t then probably I don’t want to advice you on how to deceive girls. I’m mentioning it so that you will know that it matters what you write and how you write it, more even than what it matters on a “normal” dating profile. Girls will forgive flaws of men that they love, but they will not forgive flaws of men they sleep with. Men work the opposite way. If you don’t have success, that’s where I would look for the reason.

You don’t have to post your face on this type of profile, a good body shot will do fine – girls will understand – but never ever post a photo of your private parts. Trust me, that would be a bad idea! When you have a private connection with someone, you should email the photo of your face at that point, it creates trust. Better yet, have a web cam -conversation with her. Also, call her on the phone before meeting up, if nothing but to set up where to meet her, and always meet her on a public place first, that is again creating trust.

If you are looking for a kink-partner, go to an appropriate website, obviously, and again, be honest. When it comes to kink though, you really have to be 100% honest about everything. If you don’t reveal a detail that’s fine (unless the detail happens to be that you’re actually married or in a relationship) but don’t lie. It is also an option for you to find an “adult dating site” which are created for this exact use. Be aware though that these sites have a lot of “professionals” on them, so be suspicious if an unusually gorgeous girl is approaching you.

Why you should leave the Group 1 alone

First, they don’t want to have anything to do with you. They think you’re a creep and waste of oxygen. They will not change their minds.
Secondly, although it is possible for you to fool them into having sex with you, it usually takes a lot of time and effort, and sometimes money to get there. Often it’s really not worth it, because they want to validate your love for one another, while you just want to fuck her silly. That is not to say that they wouldn’t fuck you silly if the relationship goes on, but that requires some real emotions from you.
Thirdly, they know the game you’re playing already. You might be able to fool a 16-year old, but when they’re past 20, they’re so over you and your type. I know you don’t mind a 16-year old, but make note that they do come with a legal protection in this area.
You are after easy sex, right? If not, you’re just being emotional.

To recap, girls weren’t born yesterday either. Apart from the ones that were, obviously. They can see through bullshit a lot better than you can, and they have OPTIONS. They don’t HAVE to sleep with you even though they didn’t want anything else from a guy, because a quality chick can ALWAYS get laid when she wants to. So don’t waste your time bugging girls who are not interested in casual sex, but put your energy into creating a quality profile for yourself and let them come to you. A quality chick wouldn’t write a sex only ad on a dating site, but she might just contact you for it if you have presented yourself well enough. The best thing you can really pull an advantage over the average Joe is by being honest about what you want. There ARE girls just as sexual as you are, you just have to make yourself available and intriguing option for them.

Popularity: 13% [?]

An American friend of mine objected to my recent post about men NOT loosing their respect for you if you sleep with them too early on in the game. Although I find this appalling, I do have to take it into account, that some countries are still stuck in the 1950’s, and it seems USA is one of them although they should be leading the way. After the sexual revolution and all, they still want to stick women into a box, tie it up with a pink ribbon to be opened up on her wedding night and not a moment before.

Cultures that still put a guilt trip on sexually free women are trying to reverse the natural order of things: Women have the power in sexual relationships. They say when men can have it, when they’re going to have it and when they’re going to have to beg for it. Men don’t like that power, but they want to take it away from the women, and keep them constantly ashamed of their sexuality, because the more ashamed women are, the more it gives power to the men.

Getting slightly off the topic here for a moment, another friend of mine, a Finnish guy, once took a business trip to USA and had a meeting there with a bunch of people. The meeting was interrupted numerous times by people who were late, and he said that he suddenly realized that every time a man walked in late he was filled in on what had been discussed before the meeting moved on. If a woman walked in, even if she outranked the men, she would sit down in silence and the meeting would go on without anyone taking the trouble to fill her in. My friend found this incredibly disturbing and disrespectful, as he’d always been used to men and women being treated equal, in the work place as well as in the bed.

So maybe the trouble in these countries isn’t as much whether or not men will lose their respect for the woman after having sex with her, but that they don’t have respect for women, period. But if American women think that men will just suddenly give them the right to sleep around, they’re sadly mistaken. Rights are taken, not given. Finnish women were the first in Europe and second in the world to receive the right to vote, and they are not the type that take shit from men. The one time a guy I had slept with on a first date told me he “looses respect for women who sleep with him on a first date” I thought he was insane! It never crossed my mind that I should be ashamed of myself, quite the opposite, I thought he was being an incredible moron, and then I started thinking that what kind of a mother allows her son to put a value on people based on something like that.

When I was thinking about my American friends’ objection, I was thinking about sluts. What makes a slut in America is clearly not what makes a slut in Finland. (I would love to hear about Australian point of view on this, as I’m rather unfamiliar with it. I suspect it’s somewhere in between, but closer to the Finnish…) In Finland it’s not about numbers. Girls can have sex with as many guys as they want, if they have standards. What ever their standard is, is up to them, if it’s good looks, intellect, right words said at the right time, what ever, as long as they have standards that most guys will fail to meet. Also, a girl will hve to be able to go home after a night out alone if she didn’t find anyone interesting, and not lower her standards (too much) to get laid. A girl turns into a slut, when she has no standards and sleeps with (or makes a move on) any guy she sees, for the attention, acceptance or odd chance that he might love her. In other words, what makes a slut is desperation, not numbers, and in theory it is possible to be a virgin and be considered a slut in Finland.

When I was wondering about all of this, I emailed a male friend of mine in USA, who I know likes his casual very much, and asked him this same question.  To my surprise he answered without a hesitation that yeah, totally he loses his respect for a girl if she sleeps with him, because if she does it with him, she probably does it a lot. (I was left to wonder what does it matter if she does it a lot anyway..?) But another thing he said was interesting. He also said that that is why they love the Finnish and Japanese girls because they are so sexually liberated. I asked him if that means that they don’t lose their respect for a Finnish or Japanese girl for having sex with them, but do so if the girl is American and should know better… I will tell you later what he replied if he does answer my email – and while we’re waiting, why don’t you tell us what you think.

I don’t know, all I can say about this that I personally don’t have respect for people who think people’s sexual behavior is something to pass judgement on, you either have it or you don’t and it’s not really anyone’s business how much, what kind, when and with whom you have it.

What do you think, is it a numbers game or a question of attitude where you come from, in your personal experience?

Popularity: 7% [?]

A very common belief even today is that if a woman has sex with a man on the first date (or even before the first real date) is that he will lose his respect with her. No man will ever marry a woman he had sex with in early times of their relationship – that is what all teen aged girls will be told by some adult in their life. I was lucky that this adult was my auntie instead of my mom or dad, but nevertheless, I did take her words seriously for some time before I realized it was utter garbage. Nobody looses their respect for you, unless you lose it first.

The problem with this is that if you truly honestly believe that good girls don’t have sex on the first date, you WILL lose your respect for yourself after doing it, and that resonates to the man’s reactions towards you – he will no longer respect you either. However, his reactions to you will not change if your attitude towards yourself doesn’t change. I know this first hand.

Some women seem to believe, that sex is the ONLY thing a man could possibly (naturally) want of them. So there are two ways to go with this belief; First option, preferred by the good girls, is to hold the sex as a price for good behavior until the wedding bells toll, hoping that a miracle would occur and he would actually fall in love. The other method is to use it as a price for any interaction with her at all, hoping that by offering sex, he will come back for more for long enough to the miracle of love occurring. Both of these strategies are based on the belief that a woman carries no initial value to a man, apart from what they can do for him sexually. (= Man is too stupid to think for himself). The belief is of course false, and leads to distorted sexual behavior.

Just by chatting about sex online with men I have noticed that they are beyond frustrated by women who won’t even talk about it. They give you praise for telling them the truth of how things are and why women might feel about this or that. This is a global thing; a Turkish guy is just as grateful of it as a Finnish man, who has been surrounded by rather free spirited women all his life. (The difference is that the Turk would probably not marry you, but the Finn would.) The way the men talk about prudish women is far from being respectful. The men sound frustrated and irritated by them, and dare I say, they think prudish women are stupid. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been said to be “a very intelligent woman” because I went down that road and talked about sexuality in general. I didn’t have to tell them details about my sexual preferences, it was enough to take a general approach. Just talking about it like you were the school nurse wins you points.

Popularity: 4% [?]

There is a certain balance to find when it comes to this difficult topic. If you are looking for a serious relationship, you really don’t want to be asked/ask about your/her favorite sexual positions before the first date, but there are some sexual topics that could be discussed without it being a red flag. To a lot of guys sex is a very important part of their lives, and they just can’t help feeling the way, but obviously, if you have reservations about it, then it might not be a good match to even try matching a pair with a high libido guy. (Or the other way around.)

While to me the topic isn’t that much of a tabu that I would run away from a guy who brings it up after 2 hours of chatting, there is “a tone of voice” that I’m sensitive to. You say now, that there isn’t a tone online, but there is, it’s between the lines. Some men are “happily interested” in sex and some are “obsessively interested”. Think about that for a while, and see if you can understand the difference. Needles to say, us girls don’t like the obsessive interest, as it is unhealthy, while the happy interest is nice and a desirable quality. The guys with a happy interest towards sex usually are good at bringing the topic up in a way and time that is appropriate, but not if you have decided there isn’t such time before the x:th day or y:d date. To be fair to the men, tell them if you have a set time before it’s okay to speak about sex. In my point of view this time frame is reasonable if it is until 2nd date and/or after 7 days of ACTIVE online communication. That is if you have a rule of not bringing up the topic AT ALL during that time. (If you happen to live in a country that has clear cultural rules about it, of course I’m not telling you otherwise.)
How the subject is brought up however, once it’s time, there are differences. If the first thing you hear is “Come and sit on my cock.” You probably found yourself a loser. If the first thing that you hear is “Hmm… I’d like to ask you a personal question, because the subject is, as a guy, interesting to me… What’s your attitude towards sex?” Okay, I don’t know one guy who would actually use those words, but you got my point. There’s a difference in approach and delivery. First one blatantly wrong, and the second one… A bit awkward and clumsy, but at least it’s respectful. My point is, that just because it is mentioned, doesn’t mean that’s all they want.

To explain this a little, I have come across with women, who have somewhat unrealistic expectations on male behavior regarding sex. Since they are “not that kind of girls” men who even bring up the topic of sex “too early” is a no-no and they immediately stop communicating with “such men who want nothing but sex from them”. I cannot do but sigh. It is rare that I would have met a guy who only wants sex of me, and even rarer is a guy who doesn’t want more than sex from anyone. Sure, they want sex, and the faster the better, but it doesn’t mean that is all they would need or want.  They need to be loved, cared for, appreciated and admired just as us women do, but to them having sexual relations is a huge representation of it, much more so than to a woman. To a woman, sex is expression of love – that is what we are made to believe at least – to a man, it’s a sign of simple acceptance. So, my focus here wouldn’t be “does he talk about sex too early” but “is he downright tacky talking about sex”.

Essentially, I don’t think men and women are “wired” that much differently. While we might have a stronger need to mate for life the need to breed and better the survival chances of our offspring is equal to men.  Granted, we no longer have to breed, we have that choice, but what has been coded into our very core, won’t change just because someone came up with the pill half a century ago.

Would you agree, that what your authorities (including parents and priests) have told you in life, has a huge impact on how you believe things are? One of my fashion designing teachers told us, very strongly, believing in this with her whole being; “Every skirt must have pockets.” When we asked why, she explained that there needed to be a place for a handkerchief. She would not change her mind even when we told her that the hankie could be easily placed into the hand bag. That is a fairly harmless belief to have, but essentially no different to beliefs that we have about sexuality, romance and relationships.

Popularity: 1% [?]