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I didn’t mean to sound negative there. Let me explain.

Often, I think when we fill out profiles, we’re thinking about all the possible ways people may think bad of us if we say this or say that, and we might feel tempted to embellish the truth or put a spin on the truth. However, there’s really no need to do this, because there is ALWAYS a negative aspect to everything you could possibly think of to write, if the reader is the type of a person that ALWAYS sees the negative in everything. Let me give you an example. Fill in the income-form, and you can work too much, not work enough, or be a colourless average Joe. If you don’t fill out the form, you are either out of job or secretive. The mere filling out the form might be considered materialistic, or that you expect to support your wife and kids, and therefore have values from the 50’s, expecting your wife to do all the housework and raise the kids and not have a career herself. See what I mean? There’s no way to appear in a positive light if someone wants to see you in the negative.

But why would anyone want to? The simple reason: They are in the mindset that they will not find someone good enough. That is just not the type of future they can realistically see for themselves. They believe that they are doomed to being alone or in a bad relationship, and therefore there has to be something wrong with your profile to justify not contacting you or not responding to your email. They see it as foolish “falling for your bullshit” if they contact you, and therefore, the only option is to decide you’re full of it and not find out for sure. Trust me, this says more about them than what it says about you.

What is there for you to do? Just the same as I always say: Just be honest. That way, you will attract the right person when she or he reads your profile, someone who hasn’t got a pre-decided view on you as they land on your profile. Someone who is capable of positive thinking and believing good about other people. Isn’t that what you want anyway?

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This post is for your guys out there. Some of this advice may seem pretty obvious to you, but trust me, it is not that obvious to all guys. So here we go:

1. Be respectful
This is the most important part. No matter what you are trying to achieve, whether you want to sleep with her or to marry her, this is the key. You won’t get anywhere, ever, by opening a discussion by “want to sit on my cock” or similar. If you do, you’re talking to a guy pretending to be a girl and the joke’s on you, mate.

2. Talk (chat, email) to women like you would talk to another guy you don’t know too well
Men are really good at communicating amongst each other, but for some reason some men think women are different and should be talked to differently. I actually read somewhere not long ago, that some men are physically incapable of thinking while in the presence of a woman. That would explain a thing or two, wouldn’t it? So prove that you’re not brain damaged and talk to women like an actual intelligent person would.

3. Pick your profile photo that shows your face
Women don’t like to talk to body parts, no matter how proud you are of them. Don’t make them!

4. Don’t start your profiles with silly sentences like:
“I don’t know what I’m doing here” or “Will I finally meet you this way?” or worst of all: “I’ve always thought online dating is for losers”… Why? Because they all make you seem desperate! There’s nothing as unattractive as a desperate man. In addition the last one states that you think she is a loser and you have sunk so low into your own misery that you’re now just starting to accept the fact that you’re a loser as well. Write your profile like it was just another way of meeting people, an option amongst other options, like it should be, and not the final straw you cling to!

5. If you have a sense of humour demonstrate it
Everyone claims they have a sense of humour. In fact, most of us do have a sense of humour, some of us have a bad sense of humour but still have it. If you’re funny, write funny. Don’t just say you have a sense of humour.

6. Write too long profile rather than too short.
Nobody is going to be interested in you if you only tell them you’re 185 cm tall, play soccer and go to uni. That’s all nice, but not enough to make an impression. If you have a writer’s block, like a lot of us do when writing profiles of any sort, let alone dating profiles, go offline and write about yourself in an unorganized manner onto a Word document. Don’t think about what you’re writing, just write about yourself and the girl of your dreams. When you cannot think of one more word to add, look at what you wrote and pick out the stuff you would like to put on the profile, and edit the text you have. Don’t worry about being too sensitive or not being sensitive enough, there’s going to be a gal out there who likes your style.

7. Be cool, not a tool
I say this over and over again, but when you’re online, you should always try to remain as genuine as possible. When you fake and pretend to be something you’re not, you are most likely to end up looking like a complete tool instead of cool. This goes to all your communication as well as photos and videos. Don’t try to mimic what other guys do when they do well with women, if it doesn’t come out naturally, it is not very likely to work unless you’re a fantastic actor.

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I have previously told you to put your photo up on your dating profile, no matter what you look like. What you look like is only one aspect of it, so let’s think about the kind of photo you should try to get or find.

1. Pick a current photo

Don’t use a photo that was taken 10 years or 20 kilos ago, even if you looked better then. Take a new photo!

2. Select one that shows the real you

If you never put on make up or wear a biker jacket, don’t take a photo in which you do. Good option is to take a photo before you’re going out and still getting ready by yourself or with your friends, that’s when you’re presentable and hopefully on a good mood! Go through the photos of you on Facebook and see if a friend has managed to capture the best of you on camera. A word of warning though. Don’t use a photo that shows you obviously drunk. It’s not a good look.

3. Do not bother taking a super model -quality photo

You can take a photo with a professional photographer, as long as they understand this is not a glamour shot. If a photo is too good, like ripped straight out of a magazine -good, people will think it’s a fake photo and not contact you thinking that you want to sell them a membership to an adult website. If you are really good with Photoshop, don’t fix the photo with every trick you’ve got up in your sleeve, just adjust the colour balance, lighting and the basic stuff, maybe remove a blazing red pimple of your face and remove red eyes, but that’s it!

4. Don’t include your friends

This is one time when you don’t want your friends around you! Especially you don’t want an ex in your photo, that goes without saying. I wouldn’t even do a blank-out-the-friends -edit, it’s kind of tacky, but then again, if you really cannot handle a camera without your friends, maybe you have to. I’m sure there will be members of the opposite sex who symphatise, but remember to mention the fact you don’t like being photographed on your profile!

5. Ask your friends

What you do need your friends for is to a) take the photo and b) pick the photo for you, if you are unsure. For best results, if you want to find a girl, ask your female friends, and if you want to find a guy, ask your male friends. Often we do have an odd idea what the opposite sex wants of us, so it’s safer to go by their opinion. They can also help you to find the photo that looks the most natural and “like you”. Obviously you won’t have much of a clue about it. Related to this, I had one photo of me that I really didn’t like at all, but everyone kept saying what a lovely photo it was. I never used it on my dating profile because I didn’t like it, but it probably would have been a good idea on a hind sight.

If you do take a photo yourself, use the camera timer, and rather not take the photo from your arms length or especially not through the mirror. Most cameras have a self timer function that is fairly easy to use. Consult your manual if necessary.

Example

I have included a photo of myself on this post. If I was creating a profile now, and that photo was recent, I would probably go with that one. One reason is that it is rare that I’m smiling like that on photos, but I smile like that in the real life all the time. Nothing is more attractive than a big smile. As you can see, my hair is not done, I’m wearing glasses (I could pick a photo with contacts on, too) and an old worn out biker jacket that I love, and the background is very much not prepared for a photo, but it shows my personality more than any other photo I have, I think. What do you think? A good call or a bad call?

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Often when you read dating advice it gives you the idea like you were applying for a job. We have to realize that finding a soul mate is not like finding a job. When you are looking for a job, you want to impress and show all the qualities that will BENEFIT the company you are applying for, but when you are looking for love, you are there to find someone who will love you for the real you. That’s not to say you shouldn’t put your best foot forward, but don’t fake it. It doesn’t matter if all the other people on the site think you’re a complete douchebag, as long as there is that special someone who goes and reads the words of a soul mate. Someone they can really relate to and imagine watching the telly with for the rest of their lives without arguing over the channels too much.

Although I tell you not to fake it, I tell you to do your best at writing your profile or your dating add. Go out of your way with it, and don’t hold back. Don’t just list your favourite things you like to do or what you wear, that won’t reveal any information about your soul, not even to your soul mate. Do the best you can to be a genuine you, and fear not, if someone ridicules you for it, fuck ‘em. In the end you might have the last laugh after they’ve gotten divorced 3 times and you’re blissfully in love with your wife or husband. Love comes to those who are brave enough to go after it with all that they’ve got, and if you’re not brave enough to do that, then you’re just going to have to get used to the idea that you’ll never find the one.

Remember while you write, that you are writing to the love of your life. He or she will not mock you for it, ever. They will embrace it, love it and print it out for the kids to read when they grow up. That piece of writing could be read out at your wedding, the magical piece that brought your love to you. Be an idiot if you must, there will be an other idiot just like you, who will sigh of relief when they read your add. They will go: “Finally, someone who will understand me, someone I can trust myself to be around. Someone I can relate to.” Having a fantastic job, Armani suit or Versace dress, cooking exotic food every night and surfing over weekends are not required to find love. Trust me, there will be someone just like you, looking for someone just like you.

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When you start approaching people online, you have to be aware that not all social networks are dating sites. This means, that even though the site might look like a dating site, it might have similar functions, it still may not be one. Now that social networking has become more of a norm, I suppose misplaced dating requests have gotten fewer (active daters, can you confirm?), but I doubt that it had stopped completely.

Pen pal sites, Social Networking sites, Business networking sites etc: They are not dating sites, and you should not assume that all women there want to be married to a man from Ghana. Do not disturb people who are not looking for love there, even if they were single. I know it is sometimes hard to understand why people would use a social site and still be annoyed for someone contacting them, but you just have to agree to disagree.

If you are on a strictly dating site, the type that has happy couples in the front, uses phrases like “dating site” (dead giveaway) “romance”, “love” and the sort, you are safe to assume that people there are looking for love. Regardless, they are not looking for just any kind of love:

Read their profile

To find out what the person is there for, read the profile! It’s that simple, always read the profile before contacting anyone. That is just common courtesy and wise. It gives you an competitive edge too, because a lot of people don’t read profiles. Pick something that you find interesting about it, and when you write the first message, mention that interesting thing, so the receiver knows you went through the trouble and you’re not just speeding through a bunch of pretty/handsome people.

“But that takes time and she/he still won’t reply, I know!”

If that’s what you’re saying, you’ve already lost. The best you can expect to get from this, is someone who is VERY DESPERATE to meet someone. People want to feel special, especially when it comes to the matters of love. If you send random messages to random people, you will give them the impression that you don’t care at all who’s going to reply to you as long as someone does, and that makes you seem desperate and thus undesirable.

You wouldn’t (hopefully) try to pick up every member of the opposite sex at a Entrepeneur’s Conference, so make sure you know why everyone has come to this place. Sure enough, there will be someone wishing for a fling at the conference as well, just as there will be at a normal social networking site, but you’ll have to know who the people are and how to approach them. Online it’s just that much easier: RTFP (Read the Fucking Profile.)

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If you simply can’t use a picture for your dating profile for some reason, dating online might get too difficult to actually get you anywhere and it might not be for you. However, I have heard of true blind dates gone oh so well.

If you are cute, don’t be afraid to show it. If you’re average put that out there as well. It is damn site more interesting interacting with even the most average of people, than a picture of the cutest dog or the prettiest of flowers. I understand there are some valid reasons why you don’t want your picture out there, but be advised, that if you don’t have such reason, use the photo. If you’re straight out with the way you look, saves you tons of time later, as people won’t expect that you’re a model, as even though you would tell them you’re not, they will always imagine you to be better looking than you are, and disappoint when you’re not – always. So it’s easier to be straight about it – also saves you the embarrassment of not being contacted ever again after they see your picture or have a date with you.

Have you ever heard stories how people hooked up with their ex-boyfriends or some other people they already know but would not normally be interested in? By using your photo and requiring one in return you eliminate the risk of unknowingly dating someone like this. (This has happened to a friend of mine, it’s not just an urban legend. Fortunately she realized she was talking to an ex before things got too far.)

Another advantage about having your picture out in the open is that people will have easier time to “map you” in their head. If you have ever met a person you have interacted with for a long time without “a face” you will know what I’m talking about. It is ALWAYS a surprise to meet people face to face for the first time, as they are never what you expected them to be, even if you had seen their photo. The bigger the difference between their imagination and your looks are, the harder it is for people to grasp who you are and what you are like, even though they knew it in theory.

Give you an example. I had a group of women friends online. Because of their circumstances and the topic, none of them could use a picture of themselves on the site. I had an image of each one of them pictured in my head, and I could even tell how their voice SHOULD sound like. When I finally met them, none of them was anything I imagined them to be, and even though some of them were better looking than I thought I never really recovered from the shock of finding them to look the “wrong kind”. My interest towards them diminished dramatically after that, because they didn’t match my mental image of them. I felt cheated, as they failed my expectations of them.

On the other hand, I have never been disappointed after meeting a person I had a picture of beforehand. Some looked better than in the picture, some looked worse, but at least I had their image somewhat mapped into place in my mind, and I could continue where I left off with them online, as I still felt like I knew them. In a lot of cases I think the “they were nothing like they seemed to be online” feeling is just the shock of finding out that they didn’t look or sound like you thought they would, when all the time they think the same way as they do online.

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