Archive for the ‘online dating’ Category

As I’ve been working on a dating site, I’ve been rather quiet here, sorry. The upside is that my social dating community site is now open for public Beta and I’ll be giving out free “Gold” My Big Nook memberships for the next year for a limited time starting from now. (Let’s see how it goes.)

The basic idea of the site is that unlike on a traditional dating site, where you have to search through profiles to find someone interesting, MyNook functions on the Forum and Chat primarily, allowing  social interaction between members without the pressure of directly marketing oneself as a potential lover to complete strangers. The site design is made less datey looking, to make it more comfortable to hang out on, without having to worry about who is walking behind you any given moment. :p

I’m making  a big point about genuine memberships and honesty, both from admins and members. I’m attempting to create a friendly and safe dating environment, and as my husband put it, run by someone who gives a shit. The site might not seem that fancy to start with, but I have given the functionalities a lot of thought and scraped everything that don’t serve the purpose of finding the right one (for what ever purpose you’re looking for the right partner). In my honest opinion most dating site functions offer a lot of fluff and very little “real beef”. Unfortunately competing sites might have to offer that fluff in order to seem professional, but I’m risking it hoping that people will see behind that.

If you like what you hear, please have a look at http://www.MyNook.com.au and consider signing up for the free My Big Nook plan that is available for a limited time only, but will be valid for a year from registration. (I will give all registered members a warning when I’m going to scrape the free Big Nook option, so if you want to just register for now to wait for others and register for the following year later on, that’ll be an option as well.)

And a request to all bloggers who blog about related stuff; I would really appreciate it if you would try to get the word out for me.

Popularity: 5% [?]

Sometimes on dating sites and social networking sites, we get contacted by people who somehow automatically assume you remember them even though they haven’t been in contact for months or even years. They send you a friend request or an email picking up where you left off, and never mind to remind you how you know each other. Worst cases you get an email saying something like: “I haven’t written to you for a while, but I just wanted to check if you’d still be interested to see me.” They might have changed their profile pictures and their text so that there’s nothing connecting you to the previous contact, and since they were the ones breaking the contact, you decided they are not interested and deleted all the previous conversations from your inbox because they were there just taking up space.

I personally have the worst memory of faces and people of anyone I know. If someone wants me to remember them, they have to make a really strong impression in good or bad. For example I went to this new school for 2 months, when one morning I got to the class room door and there was a note saying that the class had been moved to a room X. A guy followed me and said out loud: “Oh, I see we have to go downstairs.” I looked at him and thought to myself that I had never seen him before in my life, but that he must be in my class of 15 students judging by his behaviour. Knowing that I have a crappy memory of faces, I pretended like I knew who the bloody hell he was and chit chatted on our way downstairs.

Online, however, people should not assume that others remember them. If it’s a social networking site, it is simply polite to add to that personal message a little bit of a clue of how you know each other. It is considerate, because some people are really uncomfortable adding people they don’t know, and at the same time, too polite to decline invitations. On  a dating site, if you have had a conversation with the person before, and no matter how good of an impression she or he made on you, don’t assume it is mutual! It gives an impression of you thinking a tad too highly of yourself, and even if they did remember you, they might notice that… On the other hand, if you give them a reference to who they are and what you talked about, they might feel like they remember you even if they hadn’t before, as they remember the conversation, but not you. Regarless, it is never unfitting to check that your reader remembers or knows who you are, or makes a connection to the reasons why you contact them. (Unless you do that constantly in every email sent month or less apart, which shows a really poor self-esteem, of course.)

Do’s:

• Include previous email conversations if you have a copy.
• Tell them who you are and how you know each other, and where and when you last were in contact.
• Refer back to a previous conversation.
• Explain why it took you so long to get back to them, and apologize!
• Ask them how they have been.
• If you don’t want to seem obvious of the fact you doubt they remember you, add clues as to where you met or what you talked about, put into a context of your message. Like: “Do you still do pen palling by the way, as I noticed your profile has been inactive on Interpals.net for a while?”

Don’ts:

• Assume they know you after a few emails months ago.
• Assume they are still in the same situation they were months ago. (Ie. that they are still single after 6 months or so, even if their profile said so.)
• Assume they know you of your profile photo even though you have one and they’ve met you IRL. (People change and sometimes the photos don’t look like you as they know you. Especially true with women who change hair style and make-up more than men.)

Popularity: 7% [?]

I have been putting together an ebook about online dating. This ebook will be free to download and distribute and even sell if you wish (without giving me a dime) as long as it stays as it is.

I am still writing it, nearly done, but I wanted to give you an opportunity to ask me questions to add to the book. If you’re shy to ask in comments, feel free to send me a direct message on Twitter or by using the site form here: http://www.intimateonions.com/any-questions/

Popularity: 3% [?]

That is the tag line of a dating site I ran across a couple of days ago. I kid you not. As if the average dating sites were not full of these people already, apparently they need a site for this very purpose. It’s hard to describe what I felt when I read the site description. I don’t really worry about how wrong the site is doing by enabling cheating – in fact, they offer a great way for spouses to check up on their potentially unfaithful partners – but rather I’m thinking about cheaters again. Not how evil they are, and how much they hurt their partners, but how gutless they are. They might think they are brave and adventurous as they sneak behind their spouses backs, but in fact, they are really just scared shitless of directly confronting their wives and husbands and rather push that difficoult conversation until a later date – and gamble on the fact that they might never get caught.

These people reason, that “what they don’t know, won’t hurt them” and are smug enough to think that them staying in the lives of their spouses is better and less hurtful than hurting the feelings of their spouse by leaving them. It shows disrespect towards the partner, in terms of “you can’t find anyone as good as me, so you are lucky to have half of me” and instead of allowing their spouse to go free and find the kind of love they deserve, they sneak behind their back convincing themselves that they’re actually sparing their emotions. Even if the thought that they might be caught crosses their minds, they won’t consider their own wrong doing, but find the thought that their spouse will be forced to show their love and emotions toward them by showing the hurt they feel by the betrayal. And THAT is what is so exciting about it, even if you get caught, you get validated: “gee, my spouse still loves me even though I’m such a big shit.”

Popularity: 5% [?]

– and if you think that’s true, I’ll show you a sad loser. *Holds up a mirror*

I mean, if you won’t try online dating because you think it’s for desperate people, what exactly are you saying? If you join up, you’ll get infected? People change into desperate losers because they join an online dating site? Is this the same kind of effect as listening to records backwards allegedly has? Doesn’t your attitude simply reflect a poor self-esteem? Aren’t you simply not doing something because you are afraid of a social stigma? How does that make you any better than the people who hold their heads up high in their profile picture? Your logic is lost with me.

Sure, if you’re a loser you can try online dating, but sadly you most likely won’t be any more attractive online than you are offline. People don’t change online! If you are a loser, you stay a loser no matter what kind of a monthly payment you make! The same goes with people who hook up with he opposite sex without any problems at all, they continue doing so online, but they have a lot more options to choose from! The advantage of online dating, whether you are a sad loser or not, is that you will multiply your options. That’s it. There are more people that will possibly be interested in you, and on the flip side of the coin, there are more people who you will find interesting. Using online dating doesn’t mean you have to give up or are forced to give up meeting people “in the real life”, it is just another way to meet people, another, very interesting way to do so. It is not necessarily better than doing it IRL, but it is different, and will suit a certain type of personality better, for example those WHO ARE NOT SHALLOW IDIOTS.  Online you actually have to prove you have a brain, in the real life it doesn’t seem to be that big of an issue as long as you have a pulse… (How’s that not desperate?)

What is it about online dating exactly, that you think is desperate? The fact you say that you are out there, single and looking? Didn’t everyone know that yet? If it’s that you actually admit that you want to find someone? In my opinion, it is the most natural thing to want; to find someone to share your life with (or moments even), so how is it desperate to look for love online? Or is it just because you think that the ONLY PEOPLE who use online dating are the outcasts that nobody wants? Here’s a newsflash for you: Most of my friends have found their mates online, and my friends are the type that have to fight the most eager ones off with a stick! I’m not exactly a dog either, and I found my husband online, and HE is the most amazing thing I’ve ever met, and there is no way in hell we would have met in the real life, ever. And to top that off, on average the online started relationships are more balanced and happy, because THEY KNEW WHAT THE OTHER ONE WAS LIKE before they went on to confirm it a “relationship”. You know how in the real life it is very easy to kind of get stuck with someone even though you’re not that into them because you find out too late in that you don’t really like them that much? Online you are more likely to find that out pretty early on, because you are required to communicate.

In my experience online daters are those with an iron strong self-esteem, who don’t give a toss about who is snickering at them feeling all superior because they don’t have a profile online. (At least with a picture on it, right?) Sometimes these strong people get approached as if they were desperate losers, but those hopefuls will be sadly disappointed if they think they’re going to get somewhere that way. But hey, what ever. If this is just another excuse to talk yourself out of doing something you really want to do… Not our loss. Just the next time you decide saying something to those lines, remember my mirror, and when you die alone as the sad loser you are, at least people will say: “Well, at least she wasn’t being desperate!” [/rant]

(So okay, if you are not into online dating it doesn’t automatically make you a sad loser, but it works both ways.)

Popularity: 4% [?]

To women, online dating can be a very frustrating past time. Although I am the biggest fan of finding dates online, I know all too well how frustrating it can be and WILL be. It seems that when a guy gets on a dating site, his brain flies right out of the window, and finding a good man can feel impossible. Unless the dating site is very well designed and well thought out, you might want to look for alternatives when finding dates.

If you have a passion for something that is fairly gender non-biased, or better yet, love something very manly (say Aussie footy ) don’t just mention that on your dating profile, but go where the passionate people discuss about the topic. I bet that if you’re not the only one loving it, there will be a discussion board dedicated for that specific past time. Then the only question is: Is there an off topic section on the board? (Note that off topic sections are often reserved for people who are active on the board, and open only after you’ve proven that you’re genuinely interested in the topic.) The off topic section allows you to be really social on the forum and find out things about the fellow members outside the topic. They are really the cream of most forums, while you all have a similar interest it’s not the only thing in your lives – hopefully.

The advantage of this is that you will meet people in a natural way. It’s not instantly sexual, but you can relax and talk about SOMETHING ELSE. You can get to know the men as they are in a real social situation, when they are not overrun by their hormones. If you can find a relaxing general discussion board, that’s good too, but they are very hard to find. Also, don’t avoid small discussion boards, because you’ll get to know the active members a lot faster than what you would on a massive board.

When you spend time on a board that is intended for something completely different than dating, you’ll obviously find a lot of people who are not single but you will also meet people who are. Your options may be more limited but also more targeted. The advantage of dating sites is that everyone is single, but the trouble with them is that they are often not targeted and are not designed so that you can meet people in a non-pressure environment. They are also quite competitive, and people can jump the gun a bit being afraid that someone else will get you if they don’t get there first. However, it’s worth a try.

And again, when you get on these boards, upload an avatar + user photo if possible, and fill out your profile and add a link to your blog, profile or website so that if someone finds you interesting, they can find out more about you. In your “about me” section, mention that you’re single (but not necessarily that you’re looking, in this environment it may sound a bit too obvious and desperate), also make sure your age and sex is there to see. In your signature, if allowed, add the link to your profile, but don’t mention anything about being single, unless you find a way to be really humorous about it.

Because I trust discussion boards to be the KEY to successful online dating, my dating site that is currently being coded, is based on a functional discussion forum. You can keep an eye on the developments at MyNook.com.au .

Happy birthday, granny, where ever you are. <3

Popularity: 3% [?]

For months now, me and my friend have been talking about online dating and comparing notes on how “online men” behave. She is an American and I am Finnish, and our experiences are vastly different. This makes me wonder if it is a question of attitude, luck or simply a difference in culture.

We both agree that there are a loooot of men writing idiotic and utterly moronic pointless messages to any girl online, but what seems to be different is that in America, the number of moronic online men is far greater than in Finland. I could easily weave out morons out of my inbox and simply find the cool guys, but it doesn’t seem to be that easy for my friend. I would be really interested to know about your experiences and which part of the world you had them.

I am also wondering, how much of a difference it makes which site you are using. I never really found the international dating sites that appealing when I tried them, so my friend might be onto something saying that it is the American men who have a bit of an attitude problem. Maybe I just happened to be on the right site in Finland, as even in Finland I severely disliked the other options available.

I would really appreciate your take on different sites and different countries as dating venues, and see if we can find some good ones out there. If you would care to share what sites you like and why, and what kind of things you would avoid on a dating site as a warning sign.

You can also respond to the poll on the sidebar.

Popularity: 3% [?]

A small step to human kind, but a big step for me. :p I’ve been trying to think of the perfect name for the site, ranging from Love Shack to Dating Forum and everything in between. You know how hard it is to find a domain that someone hasn’t got a claim on yet? Especially in dating. I bet they have regular brainstorming session to pick every available domain that refers to anything desirable online, and you have to be bloody creative to pick one that hasn’t been registered. Can you imagine that the domain RainbowBarCode.com is taken, but not in use? Who would have thought to reserve that as an investment?! I was surprised at myself that I even came to check that one. (Long, long story, that may reveal itself in the future.) Anyway, we finally found the domain of our dreams to bring you the love of your dreams. He-he.

So… What is the new domain name? Drum roll please!

MyNook.com.au

Popularity: 1% [?]

As you know, I’m planning to start my own dating site and my coder is hard at work right now. While I wait, I am studying more and more about the industry, the tips and how they operate. I must say, I spend most of my day trying to keep my breakfast down.

Here’s the obvious: They can sell your data. There’s constantly new sites coming up that need members to attract more paying members. Who’s going to sign up to a dating site that hasn’t got anyone on it to date, right? So the idea is to buy a database of users of another dating site. Some users are not real, some have already found their mate and moved on, and some will never check the site they are supposedly members of. This coin has two sides, as most coins do; the side that sells and the side that buys. Both of them are the types of sites you want to steer away from.

I don’t know yet, how to accurately find a site that will sell your info. Just when you join, keep this in mind and if you’re worried, do a google search on the company and see what is said. One big site that is very untrustworthy according to my studies is True.com. They have more than one trick up their sleeve, apparently.

One way to check if a site is a genuine site with its own members is to compare the amount of members to the Alexa rating and the Google page rank. (You can install a plugin for your browser to automatically show you both ranks.) If the site has a page rank of 2 and boasts thousands of members, you might want to check where they got their members from. It could be okay though. Some sites start up as “white label” sites, which means they have a centralized database that several sites use. To put it into more understandable terms, it’s like a dance club with several doors. Each door is has their own name on it, and you can choose if you want to use the door that says “Nite Train” or the door that says “El Gringo”. You pay for your entry at the door and join the same crowd in the inside. You might be surprised by the amount of people inside, as there was hardly no queue outside the door. However, you may end up being seen through the window that proudly writes “The Blue Oyster” (Remember that one?) on top of your head, if you sing up on a site that has a badly organized shared database. But even if you have signed up on a trusted site and everything, you still have little control over who will see your profile, as not even the site admin will know for sure where your face will end up with your complete profile. Sounds unnerving, doesn’t it? And the amount of this type of dating services is growing rapidly. I did consider that as an option for myself, but the lack of control just doesn’t feel right to me.

The next issue dating sites have is that they are a business. They need to keep you paying for the membership for as long as possible, which means no matter how many match functions they have, their goal is to sell you dreams of love instead of real love. They count on you trying for longer to find your true love before you give up and stop the subscription, rather than finding you a good match as soon as possible. If they don’t have matching functions, they will make it difficult for you to reach other members, so that you’ll spend time and money sending messages to each member. And those winks? Guess what the purpose of them is? They are a great way for a site to send you a “wink” by another member to get you to sign up to contact that member, and if you’re not getting real winks, nothing stops them from making one up. This doesn’t apply to all sites, and I’ve read some comments by dating site owners to the effect that they too feel sick thinking about it and they just want to help their customers to find love. (Of course they are then attacked by other dating site owners saying “you are a business, aren’t you?!”) The thing is, that doing what is right and what is profitable can be seen as two separate things, but there are people who see the way they can and will go hand in hand. So the point is, bigger isn’t necessarily better here. The bigger the site, the less likely the owner is going to care about you and your love life, and match profiles are rarely there to make the search faster for you.

This is more or less the reason why I never signed up on a paid site. I never trusted them. However, I now know that there are dating companies out there who are in it for the right reasons. Of course they want to make a profit out of it if they can provide a good service, and I can’t blame them for it. You have to try and make your living by doing something you love, I believe. (And we all love love!) So my advice is… Before you sign up, try to feel the vibe, and don’t forget, there’s other ways of making money off you on the site even if you’re not paying anything – like selling you out or getting paid for your eyeballs.

One site I would now sign up on: http://dating.co.uk/

Popularity: 5% [?]

When you find someone new online, it is a good idea to do a bit of background checking. Online it is fairly easy, of course.

Do a Google search by their name, nickname, email address or phone number. There might be a lot of people by the same name, but email addresses and phone numbers are personal and usually point to the right person. (Some exceptions apply, but you’ll be the judge.) You might not want to go over board with this one if you don’t have specific reason to be suspicions. It is a bit stalky, really, even though it is perfectly legal.

Ask if they have a blog or Facebook account Reading someone’s blog is a great way to get to know them, and if you ask them for it, it’s not like you’re stalking. If they give you the blog address without asking, don’t hesitate to check it out, because they gave it to you for a reason. If you have a blog, you can offer the address to them too, fair is fair! If you connect on Facebook, check their wall.. If it’s full of messages like “Who are you, where have we met, again?” you probably don’t want anything to do with the person really. Also if you check the friends list… I used to be bald, and even though I was married I found it really icky that a lot of men added me to their friends list because of the bald. I know that, because they had like 20 other bald women on their friends list, and that simply cannot be a coincidence! If all of his friends are hot girls, or her friends are film stars and rock stars, you know what you’re looking at.

If he is talking about his ex’s don’t get jealous, open up your ears! What, and how is he or she saying it? It is equally as bad sign if they praise their ex’s than if they blame them and are full of hate toward them. Especially if there are several ex’s that they have same feelings for. Obviously, there was something wrong in the relationship if it became an ex-relationship, but one thing is for sure; All the men or women that your new find has dated had one thing in common – your new find. It could be that he or she has messed things up all by themselves. For example, even though sometimes mothers keep their children away from their ex out of maliciousness, it is far more common for them to deny access to the child for a very good reason.

Popularity: 1% [?]