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Archive for the ‘love’ Category

Reading through articles about online dating, they often start with a sentiment along the lines of “now that online dating has become a norm…” I wonder if it really has. When ever I talk about creating an online dating site (MyNook.com.au) my friends look at me funny. They know I found my husband online, and they’re fine with that, but the panic sets in when they think I’m going to ask them to join my site. Many of them say they’re going to tell their friends about it, but won’t promise anyone joining, “because I don’t know if they’re into that sort of thing or not…” with the kind of tone that says “they’re not desperate enough yet.” I think one of my friends had a huge sigh of relief when she found a boyfriend just before my site went live. “Oh I would have joined, but I have a boyfriend now…” I get the feeling, that most people are fine with online dating as long as THEY don’t have to do it, or as long as nobody knows they’re doing it.

I suppose, a few decades ago it was a bit similar if you found your mate in a night club. According to norms, you were supposed to find someone in a respectable place, like at school or work, at a store, hobby group, through friends… Anything but a night club. Even in my times, just about ten years ago, people were sceptical about the possibility of finding true love at a night club. Back then, the rationale was exactly the same as it is now with online dating: People there are not serious about love, they’re just after sex! (And also it was a bit desperate to “hang out at the bar just waiting to hook up with someone”.)

Now that online dating has been invented, night clubs are the right place to look for love, because you can meet the people in person and everyone goes to them anyway. You can tell what they are like as you walk in and you won’t be fooled or killed… Do you notice the sift of attitude? Before we were afraid of all those horrible things happening at night clubs, now they’re just bound to happen online. Now, it’s not good to find love at school, work or through mutual friends, because things can get complicated if things don’t work out.

I think that until they find a way to scan the backs of your eye balls for some hidden genetic code that will match you perfectly with a potential partner, online dating will be the wrong kind of dating… That’s just the way people are.

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“I will love you unconditionally” sounds good, doesn’t it? It is good when it comes to our children, but should never be the case in a romantic relationship. It rarely is and should never be unconditional. It shouldn’t even start without conditions, and most of the time, it doesn’t. Romantic love usually has conditions like; “If you make me laugh, I will love you.” or “If you are sexy, I will love you.” These conditions vary from a person to person, but sometimes the list is very long, sometimes it’s alarmingly short.

If you love someone unconditionally, that means that you should forgive ANYTHING. They can treat you in any way they please, and you will continue loving them. That is obviously not good for you or your self-worth.

The other reason why you should have conditions to your love, is that your love becomes more desirable. If anyone could have you without any conditions, at any time, because you chose to love them first, who would like to be that “anyone”? People want to feel special when they are loved, not a charity case. If they can meet your conditions, they will feel worth loving. What I mean to say is that you’re not only having conditions for your own benefit, but also for your loved one.

This post will be a short one, because the message is easily conveyed. You are worth treating well, and if someone doesn’t they are not worthy of your love. Never mistake unconditional love being the only right kind of love.

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Today I read a magazine my mom has subscribed for me to keep me in touch with my Finnishness. In the magazine, Kodin Kuvalehti, there was a story of an elderly couple in their late 80’s. They were of the age group who are not all that comfortable about talking about their feelings to strangers, but the one thing that they managed to drag out of the husband was so poignant to me that it made me write this post.

He said; “The minister told me to take good care of this young woman, my wife. I have never said this to anyone, but I was overwhelmed by the huge responsibility. What if it would turn out that I could not take care of her?” We should all be rather worried about that responsibility. Not only the men, the husbands, but us wives, too. Not only financially, but also emotionally and physically. Sometimes we cannot meet the financial or physical needs of our partner, but if we can provide them with emotional support and love, it goes a long way.

Think about what he said, and what it really meant. There wasn’t a thought: “If I can’t make it, she can always divoce me.” or “She knew what she got when she married me, I am what I am…” The thought was: “What if I cannot take care of her?” The thought is full of love, respect and… Responsibility. It is the thought of someone who has joined their lives forever to love and to behold until death do us apart. Divorce doesn’t even come to it, even if it was a theoretical option. That thought comes when you understand the grandiose of your promise, and take it seriously, with respect towards your partner as well as towards the institution.

And when they asked his wife if he had taken care of her, she replied; “Oh yes he has, he has!” And then she had to dry her eye.

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There are certain elements that trigger the feeling of love. Some of them are entirely natural, like the love parents feel for their offspring, even if they wouldn’t like their kids. Take my mom for example, she loves me, I know she does, but I don’t think she likes me very much. If I was someone else’s kid, she’d be saying what a horrible scatter brain I am, completely unorganized, impractical, head-in-the-clouds-dreamer, who will never amount to anything and who is very lucky to have found a man who took her as his cross to bear. I know she thinks along these lines about me, but she still loves me. I know you might wonder what that has to do with anything, but it just shows you the difference of “love” and “like”, in case you’re wondering what I’m on about.

When it comes to romantic love though, some people are excellent at manipulating it. There are even personality disorders that are based on the ability to manipulate love, namely the narcissistic personality disorder. The reason why narcissists are so dangerous is the fact that they can MAKE you love them, even if you really didn’t like the person at all. Then they make you feel like you want them to love you back, and they offer you the love you want only to take it away again, and force you to want to be validated again and again by their love for you.

The same spell is cast over you when you find that one person who you just can’t have. You don’t have to like him or her, but when he/she seems to ignore your best traits, you just want to prove that you’re worth of love. As long as they deny you their love, you’ll be coming back begging for it. It’s just a very common response to being ignored, especially if you’re not used to it. Sadly, the more admirers you have the more likely you are to fall right into this trap, because you think that if that person won’t love me, he/she must be really special, and you just have to have them.

One of the most obvious situations where you can see love manipulation is reality TV. You put 20 beautiful girls who have never heard “not interested” in their lives in the same house with a guy. Any guy would do really, as long as he’s even remotely interesting. Stick him in there, and see what happens. The girls first announce that they are not the least bit interested in this guy, and a few episodes later they are confessing their undying love for this same guy. One of the girls get the guy, being head over heels in love with the bloke but a few months later they get separated, and he starts to wonder maybe he chose the wrong girl. He didn’t, he could have picked any one of them and the result would have been much the same, unless he got really lucky.

Love is like the super glue that fixes what is broken. It fills out the blanks. It is a very useful emotion, but can be very misleading at times. Like is a lot tougher to fool. Even if you’re madly in love, you can still list a few things you really don’t like about your special someone.

They say you can’t choose who you love, but that is not entirely true. What you can do, is reprogram yourself to recognize the destructive type of love, and once you recognize it, it is a lot easier to see right through the spell. You have to ask yourself if you like this person. If you say “yes”, ask yourself what is it that you like about him or her. You will have to come up with a tangible list of qualities that you admire and appreciate about him. Not just “I like the way he walks” or “I like the way she looks at me”. Those are bullshit things to like, and you know it, don’t you? If you can say something like “I love the way he studies things. How he concentrates to find the answer.” THAT is a good thing, but not necessarily enough by itself. You’ll need more than that. How does she or he make you feel? If you say you like the way he or she makes you feel, would you say they make you feel comfortable or uneasy? Comfortable is good, uneasy is usually more pleasurable, but not good in the long run. If you feel very relaxed and comfortable, but still aware that you’re with the opposite sex, you’ve got a winner. And yes, you should feel comfortable pretty much from the get go. Unfortunately no matter how much you want that hunky guy who makes your legs feel like jelly be able to make you comfortable once you get to know him.. Nah, probably not going to happen. You can try of course, and when you give up, remember I told you so.

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People often ask the question: “how do you know you’ve found love?” I have a very simple answer to it: Love is the answer, and if you are asking questions, you haven’t found it yet. If you are asking yourself questions like “Should we move in together” or “what are the pros and cons of us staying together” you know the answer isn’t love. Pros and cons are for bargaining, it means that you are giving up something, and if you feel you are giving up something, you haven’t found love, at least if you wonder if this person is worth giving something up for.

People say that when you have found love “you just know it”. That is true. You know it, because all questions stop popping into your head. There’s no more “does he/she really love me back?” any more than “do I really love him/her?” going around in your head. All that is left is just a calm knowledge that all is well and how it should be.

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