Intimate O(pi)nions

Archive for October, 2009

Inspired by yesterday’s episode of Beauty and the Geek (Australia) I thought to write specifically to you geeks out there who think they can’t score. :p First of all, I want to tell you that “geek” is no longer a curse word, or an insult, but you should be proud of being a geek. I myself consider myself geeky, but not nearly geeky enough for my own liking. :p Anyway, the point is: Because you’re a geek, you’re smart and you know it, and therefore, everything else that you need to achieve to be attractive to women is well within your reach; you can work out, you can dress better, get a hair cut and work on people skills, but if you can never be smarter than what you are. You can always work on the package and presentation, but you can’t sell buggy software without getting returns, right?

Studious as you are, you should approach the subject of women from a scientific point of view. Psychology, even though not as specific science as the rest, is still a science. And psychology of women is simpler than you think. You CAN understand women, and since you’re smart, you’ll probably be better at it than the jock that will simply see them as beautiful shells that will meet their needs.

Fix the package

1. “Hire a graphic designer team” which in this case means that ask around on Twitter or any online public forum Yahoo Answers for example, for tips on the best hair stylist in your area. Get an appointment and tell them that you’re updating your look from geek to geek chic, and give them free hands to do what they think is necessary. Just go with it, it can’t get any worse, right? And remember that most of us are shocked after a hair cut, it doesn’t mean it’s bad, it’s just that you get scared every time you look in the mirror for the next 4 days. You do own a mirror, don’t you?

2. Go shopping, or see if you already have what is called “Geek chic”. Believe it or not, there are people who are trying to look as smart as you, and since they don’t have the brain, they go for your clothes. Now it’s time for them to give back. Get what the fashion gurus have refined on the basis of geeky clothes, and just tidy up your wardrobe a little bit. There is no need for you to erase geek from you, in order to be attractive. If you don’t believe me, watch this video. Ignore the terms that they use for the clothing, I have no idea what he meant.. You might actually because you’re a geek.. Anyway, if you don’t don’t panic. The key is to find colours that don’t clash (avoid bright colours if unsure, or avoid colours completely and just go with black and white or greys) and to wear clothes that fit well, don’t sag nor squeeze. If you are unsure of what to wear, twitter around for a good shop and go in; tell them you’re going for geek chic and let them work on your look. Once you’re comfortable and they’re happy, you’ve got the look. And remember, you don’t have to turn yourself into a fashion poser, just adapt a little, make some refinements, tidy up. Think of yourself as the real thing, while the fashion chics are trying hard to look like you. In other words, if you make a mistake in your look, it just makes you more real.

How to meet women?

Simple answer for any geek: Get online! There are tons of frustrated but great women online just waiting for someone to talk to them directly, and not try to fool them into believing the guys are for real. There are a lot of practical information in the FREE eBook I wrote, so just get that and have a read. (I’m so happy I can trust you know what a pdf is and that you know how to read!)

Once you’ve got your girl in sight, by following a few simple rules, you’ll ignite attraction:

1. Give her attention, but not too much. You don’t want to make her think that you’re there for her for any whim she might have, and that you’re prepared to serve her on your knees. That’s probably what you’ve been indirectly told to do, and the women that go for this approach are not worth your attention, so quit it. :p Treat them as you would treat any male friend you may (or may not) have. (When you get to the eBook, there’s more about desperation and this is where it is relevant.)

2. Be confident to know that sometimes being unsure of yourself is the most attractive thing you can do. What a contradiction, eh? What I mean by that, is that you can show people that you’re not too sure how to handle yourself and that you are scared, while still be confident in the fact that you are still a lovable person. People don’t love other people for their perfection, they love them for who they are. Therefore not pretending is the best thing to do, and just trust yourself to be good enough as you are.

3. You can talk about Star Trek, Battle Star Galactica, forest fungus, and astronomy if you like, but try not to stay in one topic for too long. Remember to ask your date what she does for fun and for profit, if she has been online for long, if she blogs or that sort. You found her online, so there is a good chance she’s been dealing with computers for some time, and that she might enjoy the net, and that is something you probably relate to in some level anyway. If she gets excited about any topic you come up with, you can safely stay in that topic for as long as she keeps eagerly coming up with responses. Don’t be afraid to stray from the topic by mentioning something that she reminded you of, as long as you don’t interrupt her too brutally. At least let her finish a sentence. :p (Oh and you’ll actually know what a sentence is, you smarty-pants you!) If you get into an awkward pause, just ask her something simple like what is her favourite movie or TV-program, if you bother to watch TV that is. (You might not want to ask about bands or other pop-culture stuff as you might end up having another awkward moment as you won’t know which band she’s talking about, I know I always end up in that pickle myself.)

4. I don’t have a particular appreciation for women who are very fussy about how a date should go, where you should take her, if you pay and how much and the sort, so I won’t give you any lists of that kind. But you should pick the place for 2 reasons; You may be expected to pay for the date, so it has to be in your price range, and also it would be uncomfortable for her to pick a place not being sure of how much you’re willing to pay. Secondly, it shows confidence if you pick the place, and confidence is attractive. Take her where you are comfortable, but obviously your home and her home is off limits for security reasons. My point here is that if she dumps you for not taking her into the right restaurant, then good riddance. Some women are very vocal about not wanting “a cheap date” but what does it really say about them? If you are really nervous, a café is a good place to start, then move on to a movie if you’re not keen on talking too much. If you like talking, which would be good, take the date to your area of expertise and take her to a museum of which you know a lot about and can function as a tour guide if needed. Just remember when you tell her stuff, avoid numbers, but add a lot of stories about the people behind the items, more human stuff, less data, you know? Answer all possible questions very simply, unless your date is as smart as you are.

So there. Some advice contradict the advice of the beauties in the Beauty and the Geek, but that’s simply because the girls there are not aware of their smarts or they simply are not smart, and therefore they don’t like “smart talk”. You don’t have to go for the dimmest light in the Christmas tree though, but find yourself a real gem among women, because you’re smart!

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When people talk about online dating, it always comes up that it’s very dangerous. I disagree. While everyone knows that there are dangers involved, we also know that going to your favourite night club and getting pissed out of your brain is not exactly safe either. It’s not like these predators were born with the dawn of online dating, they existed well before the Internet. In the “real life” when we go out, we are used to following certain safety rules, like we don’t leave our drinks unattended so someone can spike them, we don’t hitch hike for a ride with strangers… Well, some people do, but we all know that’s not very wise, but we certainly don’t take walking short cuts through the ghettos, right? In the real life, even after you’ve made all precautions possible, you will be in trouble before you know it, and you can disappear without a trace.

And that is where the biggest difference comes with the Internet. EVERYTHING you do is logged. It doesn’t take much effort for the police to track down the site you used to get the date, with whom and from there move on to what else has your latest date been up to and with whom. That’s not much of a consolation if you have already been killed, but the fact is that the predators know this as well as the rest of us. Even though they could cover their own tracks online, they can’t cover yours. Unfortunately, they too can give false information on the site, and hide who was using it. Therefore, the most important thing for you to remember is NEVER to go on a date without seeing your date’s photo, and if your date doesn’t look like the one you thought you’re going to date, get out. It’s not being shallow, it’s being safe (and don’t get greedy if he/she turns out looking better than the photo, as in not the same person -better). And a good precautionary measure to take is to print out the profile and leave a copy of it by your desk with a date and place written on top if you don’t want to tell your friends. (Nobody needs to know you do that, right?)

The thing that people consider dangerous online, is that you can pretend to be anything you want, and that it’s completely anonymous. What they don’t seem to get, is that the same is true for everyone. You too can be completely anonymous, and only tell things that you want to tell. To go further, you can also lie to people face to face. People who are comfortable writing lies are most likely comfortable telling lies to your face as well. If they’re not, then you’re going to find it out on your first date, no harm done, right? The fact is, that you won’t get in trouble online, you can only get in trouble when online date turns into an offline date. The dangers online is not the anonymity of it, but the fact that there’s a lot more unknowns involved, but the same unknowns that make it dangerous narrow down the amount of offenders who are skilled enough to abuse those unknowns, as you need to be quite the hacker to actually sneak your way into your life without you enabling them. It’s a lot easier to do offline anyway, but if you want to do it online, there’s no reason why you wouldn’t do it on Facebook. Facebook reveals a lot more information about you than most dating sites ever will. You’re surrounded by your friends, but how many times have you accepted a friend request from a person you don’t exactly know, simply because you didn’t want to be rude?

In the “real life”, if someone attacks you, they are not very likely to do that where people can see them. And obviously, it could be any number of people. The attacker has to do a lot of attacks before they can narrow down the possible offenders without any eye witnesses. Online, it only takes one well prepared date to go wrong and the police will at least know what their suspect looks like.

Again, while IRL you can get into trouble before you see a hint of danger, online you can talk to the person for months before actually meeting them. You can keep your antennas up and see if what the person is telling you adds up. You can have webcam conversations that confirm that the profile matches the person. If the person has a violent volatile personality, you will know it sooner rather than later by the things he says to you and how he says them. If you had met this person offline, you probably would be at his apartment by then, but online, you’re still in your own, safe and sound.

The thing is; you can only get in trouble in the real life. Online, the worst they can do to you is absolutely destroy your reputation by lies or hurl abuse at you, but there’s nothing stopping people from doing that offline as well. But that is where it stops online, unless you have revealed information you shouldn’t have. Online people can only hurt you by the things you tell them. You control your mouth, not your friends, not your blabbering mother, not some random by-passer that sees you going into your house. You take the risks online, they are not taken for you like they often are offline. Offline you can be pressured into going to an after-party or to take a ride with a bunch of guys, and even though you have a feeling it’s not a good idea, your friend is insisting on going and you simply have to go with her to make sure she’s okay. Online, things like that simply don’t happen. It’s just about you and what you want to tell people. In that way, you are in complete control.

So, the safe steps in order of execution:

1. Don’t reveal personal information

2. Check that your photos don’t reveal where you are

3. Demand a photo

4. Have a web cam conversation

5. Have a voice conversation over the phone or preferably on Skype.

6. Print out the profile and put in the date time and the place and any other relevant information you have. (What kind of a car he/she drives. Cars are hard to hide.)

7. Go on a date on a well lit public place during day time or early evening. If the photo doesn’t match the face, get out.

8. If your gut instinct warns you, get out.

9. Keep your phone with you.

10. That’s it. Most likely all your precautionary measures have been wasted and you had fabulous time.

Popularity: 7% [?]

“I will love you unconditionally” sounds good, doesn’t it? It is good when it comes to our children, but should never be the case in a romantic relationship. It rarely is and should never be unconditional. It shouldn’t even start without conditions, and most of the time, it doesn’t. Romantic love usually has conditions like; “If you make me laugh, I will love you.” or “If you are sexy, I will love you.” These conditions vary from a person to person, but sometimes the list is very long, sometimes it’s alarmingly short.

If you love someone unconditionally, that means that you should forgive ANYTHING. They can treat you in any way they please, and you will continue loving them. That is obviously not good for you or your self-worth.

The other reason why you should have conditions to your love, is that your love becomes more desirable. If anyone could have you without any conditions, at any time, because you chose to love them first, who would like to be that “anyone”? People want to feel special when they are loved, not a charity case. If they can meet your conditions, they will feel worth loving. What I mean to say is that you’re not only having conditions for your own benefit, but also for your loved one.

This post will be a short one, because the message is easily conveyed. You are worth treating well, and if someone doesn’t they are not worthy of your love. Never mistake unconditional love being the only right kind of love.

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