Intimate O(pi)nions

Archive for September, 2009

Today I wanted to remind you all about safety, even if you are on a Christian dating site. The following is not limited to Christians of course, but I am just making a point. Sometimes I notice that people are very sceptical about online dating in general, but they drop their guard when they go on a Christian dating site, thinking that since they are people of faith, they cannot be bad. Unfortunately, this could not be further from the truth. Christian sites are the PRIMARY target to go to if you are an abusive man with the perfect mask on your face. (I suppose the same goes for women, even though they are a much rarer group.) For someone with a serious personality disorder it is the easiest thing to do to put on a mask when everything you are supposed to say, appreciate and do is written down in one book – the bible. Sadly, the lonelier you are and the higher standards you have for a devout man, the better target it makes you. Let me paint you a worst case scenario.

You meet up with a guy who sounds like a very upstanding, picture perfect character. He believes in God, goes to the church every Sunday and speaks of religious matters without getting lost with words or showing to be ashamed of such topics, like some of these non-religious guys you know do. He speaks strongly about moral values, how he is against sex outside marriage and all that. He may admit to have sinned before, but that he has prayed for his sins and he believes they have been forgiven, and he also asks you if you would forgive him for them. He might also tell you how misunderstood he has been in the past, by his parents, his boss, his ex-wife, even. You think you have finally found a good devout born again Christian, and what’s the best thing about it; he talks about marriage on the first date and proposes on the second. You believe you have finally found a man who hasn’t got commitment issues and is serious about the sanctity of marriage.

Your friends and family are telling you to slow down, but you ignore them, because you know him better than they do. They just don’t understand how you got the reply to your prayers in this man, and they haven’t experienced true love like this. And you are not going to join all those people who judge him for his past sins! You grind your teeth together and decide you’re going to marry this guy whether they like it or not! You may even go into straight on battle with your concerned loved ones, but you stick to your guns and marry him.

Not long after you begin to realise that everything isn’t quite as rosy as you thought it was. His mask is starting to slip. You realise he has anger issues, but he manages to keep them at bay and he always apologies, and also reminds you that forgiveness is the road to God. He points out that none of us is perfect, and that is why we need the forgiveness of Jesus, his sacrificial blood that was shed for our sins. You agree that he is telling the truth and forgive him, because that is what Christians do, besides, you are married already and you are better to make things work. You decide not to mention anything to anyone, as that would be just too embarrassing after they all warned you, and also, you wouldn’t want to worry them anyway.

Slowly things start to get worse. When he gets angry, he no longer just snaps at you, first he shouts, then he slaps and in the end, he hits you so that you fall off your feet. He’s telling you that you are not acting like a Christian wife should and that you have too many wandering thoughts, your skirt is too short or you have one too many buttons open in your shirt, or it’s totally too form-fitting. He needs to set you straight, because that is what a devote Christian husband does, he has to protect you from the influence of the devil, even if it meant he has to beat the devil out of you. You agree that this is what the bible says, and try to conform to his ideal of a perfect wife, you change the way you dress, talk and act. You even change what you are watching on the telly, and if there’s a man on the telly, you make sure you don’t smile or look too interested, because he would teach you not to lust after other men. You do your best to be a good wife, but no matter what you do, he always seems to find something more that is wrong with you. Some days though, he is so loving and caring towards you, that you find yourself thinking that this must be the turning point of your marriage… Before it happens again.

Soon, you get used to your life, and decide this is pretty much the way things are. If you have had children, which most likely you have, the first time you realise something is wrong when your 4-year old looks up to you with big moist eyes and asks you: “Are there daddies who don’t hurt mommies?” That is when you decide you have to get out of there, for your child’s sake. You know however, that getting out is not as simple as ordering divorce papers and having them signed, because your husband believes in no such things as divorce. He consideres you something he owns, not to mention his kids, and your leaving means waiting for the right time, when he is out of town for a few hours, just enough for you to scrape together a few things for the kids and yourself and get out of the house running for the bus, because he won’t let you drive. If you are lucky, you still have a friend to help you, but you have most likely had to cut all contact to your friends and family because they weren’t wholesome enough for your husbands taste and he had to cut out the bad influence from your life. So you get to the women’s shelter hoping that he won’t follow, but you know he will.

It will become a years long battle for custody, and you have to prove to the officials over and over again, that it is not you who abuses the children, it is not you who is out of your mind… He puts on that charming face when ever he meets any of them, and they call you up and tell you a sob story about your perfect ex husband and how difficult all of this is for him and how you should at least consider what is best for your child.

And still, you know you were one of the lucky ones. You got out alive.

Popularity: 6% [?]

Many, many women give up online dating because they get SO MUCH downright assholy emails. (I know it’s not a word but it bloody well should be.) It is a problem on most, if not all dating sites, that there is just that one type of men who simply do not get it. I personally got sick of this. VERY sick. So what I am about to share with you is not exactly a nice thing to do, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Unfortunately this will weed out some pretty cool guys as well, but for the most part, it works. So before giving up, hear my story:

When I was dating, I ran a website about my experiences as a single girl. In time, it grew in popularity so, that I kept hearing that “everyone reads it” and people stopped me on the streets to ask me if I was “the Sebastyne”. It was pretty cool really. One of my most commented sections on the site was my “idiotic email on my dating inbox” -page. It was where I copy-pasted all email from the stupid ass mother fuckers that bothered me. It gave great content for my site, and every time I got a stupid email, I got glad rather than mad, because it was yet another addition to my gallery of morons. That in itself didn’t stop them from emailing me, but when I added a warning on my dating profile, that I WILL PUBLISH idiotic email on my site, and I might not remove your name of it, they diminished to those who really don’t read your profile at all. (To my surprise it became evident that some of these jackasses actually did read it first.)

To further assure that even the biggest jackasses knew that there was something different about my profile, I wrote this on my profile photo: “Please, before you message me, read my whole profile.” THAT caught the eye of even the most impatient, and the flood of idiotic email nearly stopped. That gave me the reputation of the biggest bitch online, but who cares, really? I recommend that where ever you decide to publish these, if you will, you include a link to the “previous morons” so that the good men will realize what utter garbage some guys send your way, and know that you’re not just being a drama queen. The good guys really find it hard to phantom the level of idiocy their fellow men can stoop to.

Do you have some examples to share of these emails? Feel free to add them in the comments, with your commentary attached of course! Be the bitch that bites back!

If you are concerned about legal issues, in some countries there is something called secrecy of correspondence which protects the mail to be opened by any 3rd party, but either the sender or the receiver of the letter is free to publish it, unless it contains something that can be protected under the copyright laws.

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I will publish this one a day early, because of one man who needed no warnings, and wrote me the best email I’ve ever received on an online dating site; My husband of 4 years, and best friend of 5, My Brettels. Happy anniversary, darling, love you heaps.

Popularity: 6% [?]

Now, we’ve already discussed security issues when going on the first online date, but there’s more to it than that. It’s not too complicated though, so this won’t be a long post!

1. Try to look like your profile picture
It creates a lot of trust to find the person you were talking to online to be very similar to what they looked like online. I have received numerous relieved sounding comments in the lines of: “It was so easy to recognise you” or “you look exactly the same!” At the time I was quite puzzled about it, as I didn’t really think about it, I was what I was, but it has dawned on me later on, that a lot of people enhance their photos beyond recognition, or have dyed their hair or have someone else do their makeup or something that makes them look very different to what they normally look like. So when you’re selecting your profile photo, try to keep this in mind; You have to be able to deliver, and also, keep in mind that you will probably meet the person for a coffee or a beer, so wear what you would in those situations.

2. Ask questions, but don’t interview
Sometimes on a date I’ve felt like I was being interviewed for a job. It is a very bizarre and offputting feeling, and instead of trying to fit what they look for, I’ve simply started to wait until it had gone on for long enough so it won’t be rude to leave. I haven’t personally come accross these, but if you have in mind that you should write down questions to ask, please stop yourself right there. You can always ask them later on an email, but meeting face to face should be about finding chemistry and to see if you are attracted to each other “in the real life”.

3. Imagine you’re meeting a friend
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, you should just be yourself, and the best way to do it is to decide you’re with a friend. They might be a friend you haven’t met before, but a friend none-the less. Smile when you feel like smiling, and so forth, don’t think about it too much. If they don’t like you the way you are, you’ll just have to find someone else. Also, try to avoid an overly critical mindset. If you have decided that all men are deceitful bastards, what are the chances of you seeing any good in any man, right? (Decide that this guy MIGHT be an exception to your rule, but don’t ignore obvious signs and your gut feeling.) And no, it’s probably not their loss if they don’t like you, but it’s not your loss either. It’s not about attracting this person, it’s about finding the right person, savvy?

4. What to wear?
Related to points 1 & 3, and the question that is on every girls mind before a date of any kind, and probably guys too, is what to wear. If your closet hasn’t been updated for a while, and all you can find is worn out old rags, then by all means, go shopping. However, if you’re still in the going out every Saturday -mode, you’ll probably be alright just picking your favorite casual wear. The best bet is well sitting jeans and a nice top, something you could wear to a night club, but wouldn’t look too out of place for a café. Girls; high heels are always a bonus, especially if you know your date is tall. This way, you’ve got options to continue the date on another location if it feels just right.

That’s it, not too complicated, isn’t it? If my 60+ year old auntie can do it, so can you!

Popularity: 5% [?]

Sometimes on dating sites and social networking sites, we get contacted by people who somehow automatically assume you remember them even though they haven’t been in contact for months or even years. They send you a friend request or an email picking up where you left off, and never mind to remind you how you know each other. Worst cases you get an email saying something like: “I haven’t written to you for a while, but I just wanted to check if you’d still be interested to see me.” They might have changed their profile pictures and their text so that there’s nothing connecting you to the previous contact, and since they were the ones breaking the contact, you decided they are not interested and deleted all the previous conversations from your inbox because they were there just taking up space.

I personally have the worst memory of faces and people of anyone I know. If someone wants me to remember them, they have to make a really strong impression in good or bad. For example I went to this new school for 2 months, when one morning I got to the class room door and there was a note saying that the class had been moved to a room X. A guy followed me and said out loud: “Oh, I see we have to go downstairs.” I looked at him and thought to myself that I had never seen him before in my life, but that he must be in my class of 15 students judging by his behaviour. Knowing that I have a crappy memory of faces, I pretended like I knew who the bloody hell he was and chit chatted on our way downstairs.

Online, however, people should not assume that others remember them. If it’s a social networking site, it is simply polite to add to that personal message a little bit of a clue of how you know each other. It is considerate, because some people are really uncomfortable adding people they don’t know, and at the same time, too polite to decline invitations. On  a dating site, if you have had a conversation with the person before, and no matter how good of an impression she or he made on you, don’t assume it is mutual! It gives an impression of you thinking a tad too highly of yourself, and even if they did remember you, they might notice that… On the other hand, if you give them a reference to who they are and what you talked about, they might feel like they remember you even if they hadn’t before, as they remember the conversation, but not you. Regarless, it is never unfitting to check that your reader remembers or knows who you are, or makes a connection to the reasons why you contact them. (Unless you do that constantly in every email sent month or less apart, which shows a really poor self-esteem, of course.)

Do’s:

• Include previous email conversations if you have a copy.
• Tell them who you are and how you know each other, and where and when you last were in contact.
• Refer back to a previous conversation.
• Explain why it took you so long to get back to them, and apologize!
• Ask them how they have been.
• If you don’t want to seem obvious of the fact you doubt they remember you, add clues as to where you met or what you talked about, put into a context of your message. Like: “Do you still do pen palling by the way, as I noticed your profile has been inactive on Interpals.net for a while?”

Don’ts:

• Assume they know you after a few emails months ago.
• Assume they are still in the same situation they were months ago. (Ie. that they are still single after 6 months or so, even if their profile said so.)
• Assume they know you of your profile photo even though you have one and they’ve met you IRL. (People change and sometimes the photos don’t look like you as they know you. Especially true with women who change hair style and make-up more than men.)

Popularity: 7% [?]