Intimate O(pi)nions

Archive for August, 2009

I have been putting together an ebook about online dating. This ebook will be free to download and distribute and even sell if you wish (without giving me a dime) as long as it stays as it is.

I am still writing it, nearly done, but I wanted to give you an opportunity to ask me questions to add to the book. If you’re shy to ask in comments, feel free to send me a direct message on Twitter or by using the site form here: http://www.intimateonions.com/any-questions/

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There is two things you can do with relationships. One is to patiently wait for true love and the other is to settle for a not-too-bad option. Both options have perks, and both have their disadvantages.

If you choose to wait, you will inevitably face the following question: What if I never find true love? What if it never happens and I’ll end up alone or end up with the left overs anyway? To overcome this anxiety, you’ll have to decide if you would be happier alone than in a luke warm relationship. You can simply decide that as long as you feel happier alone, you will break off the relationship, especially if you are not struggling with the next issue:

What if it takes too long and I’ll end up being too old to have children? This is of course the problem women face, and I am suspecting it to be a major motivator to settle for a lot of women. Some women I know are in the happy position that they already have children from their first marriage that failed miserably, so now they have all the time in the world to look for true love – or they simply don’t want kids, like me.

Dr. Phil says, like him or not, sometimes he sums up things nicely; that most decisions are based on fear. The decision to couple up is based on fear very often. Decide if that matters to you.

Then, what if you simply don’t believe in true love? Well, in that case you won’t be reading this post, and it’s irrelevant. However, if you are one of the people who believe all women/men are the same anyway, so there’s no point being choosy as long as the looks are okay, you will most likely settle on someone who is persistent enough to close you into a relationship.

Then, what about those of us, who decide to wait and see. Who have seen enough of happy relationships to know it can be done. Who know, that it happens when it happens – when do we know that it is finally good enough? How do we know we’re not just being commitment phobic when we end yet another relationship, because “this isn’t it”? Ask yourself if you are turning away from someone because you are afraid of losing your freedom or yourself or the quality of life, or you are afraid that the relationship will turn sour at some point. If you answer yes, you might be a commitment phobic. However, if you rather say “I’m not afraid of being/staying alone” rather than “I am afraid of what might follow if I stay with this person” you’re probably alright. If you are concerned about it, just google it, there are some real symphtoms for it.

Deciding on this matter is a question of preference between safe and fulfilling. Some of us are lucky and strike both at one go, most of us will have to look around a little, and take risks. But in the end, if you ask me, it was worth the risk.

Sorry for the rather unrelated photo there, but isn’t he gorgeous? *sigh* (Getting married didn’t turn me blind, sorry mate.)

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That is the tag line of a dating site I ran across a couple of days ago. I kid you not. As if the average dating sites were not full of these people already, apparently they need a site for this very purpose. It’s hard to describe what I felt when I read the site description. I don’t really worry about how wrong the site is doing by enabling cheating – in fact, they offer a great way for spouses to check up on their potentially unfaithful partners – but rather I’m thinking about cheaters again. Not how evil they are, and how much they hurt their partners, but how gutless they are. They might think they are brave and adventurous as they sneak behind their spouses backs, but in fact, they are really just scared shitless of directly confronting their wives and husbands and rather push that difficoult conversation until a later date – and gamble on the fact that they might never get caught.

These people reason, that “what they don’t know, won’t hurt them” and are smug enough to think that them staying in the lives of their spouses is better and less hurtful than hurting the feelings of their spouse by leaving them. It shows disrespect towards the partner, in terms of “you can’t find anyone as good as me, so you are lucky to have half of me” and instead of allowing their spouse to go free and find the kind of love they deserve, they sneak behind their back convincing themselves that they’re actually sparing their emotions. Even if the thought that they might be caught crosses their minds, they won’t consider their own wrong doing, but find the thought that their spouse will be forced to show their love and emotions toward them by showing the hurt they feel by the betrayal. And THAT is what is so exciting about it, even if you get caught, you get validated: “gee, my spouse still loves me even though I’m such a big shit.”

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Today I read a magazine my mom has subscribed for me to keep me in touch with my Finnishness. In the magazine, Kodin Kuvalehti, there was a story of an elderly couple in their late 80’s. They were of the age group who are not all that comfortable about talking about their feelings to strangers, but the one thing that they managed to drag out of the husband was so poignant to me that it made me write this post.

He said; “The minister told me to take good care of this young woman, my wife. I have never said this to anyone, but I was overwhelmed by the huge responsibility. What if it would turn out that I could not take care of her?” We should all be rather worried about that responsibility. Not only the men, the husbands, but us wives, too. Not only financially, but also emotionally and physically. Sometimes we cannot meet the financial or physical needs of our partner, but if we can provide them with emotional support and love, it goes a long way.

Think about what he said, and what it really meant. There wasn’t a thought: “If I can’t make it, she can always divoce me.” or “She knew what she got when she married me, I am what I am…” The thought was: “What if I cannot take care of her?” The thought is full of love, respect and… Responsibility. It is the thought of someone who has joined their lives forever to love and to behold until death do us apart. Divorce doesn’t even come to it, even if it was a theoretical option. That thought comes when you understand the grandiose of your promise, and take it seriously, with respect towards your partner as well as towards the institution.

And when they asked his wife if he had taken care of her, she replied; “Oh yes he has, he has!” And then she had to dry her eye.

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If you are like me, you have probably tried dating in both online and offline environments. What I have come to notice, is that even though you have to go through a lot more junk (=people) online, you will waste less time on the wrong people and when something develops from an online contact, it is far more likely to develop into a good happy relationship than it is with an offline contact.

The reason for this is, especially if you are shy to dump people, you are far more likely to get stuck into a relationship with a person you’re not that attracted to, because you will have to tell them so face to face that you’re not interested. – Some of us can’t even bring ourselves to say “I’m not interested” to a person they just met 5 minutes ago. Online, you simply don’t respond. So you’re not only more empowered to find stick to your own guns, you also know that the people who keep emailing you do so because they really are interested, and not because you offered a drink and they’re too embarrassed to say you should probably leave them alone…

Further, you get to know the person a lot faster and in a deeper level. Unless the person is out to deceive, which the majority of people are not, you will soon find out if they’re interesting or not. If they are interesting, because the only way to keep in contact is to communicate, you will HAVE TO get to know them. Offline, you can easily get stuck into a shallow small talk for so long, that in the end you’ll feel odd going deeper because “you should know each other by now”.

Online dates usually share a large amount of written thoughts in form of emails and blogs, and since it is a lot less indimitating than speaking face to face, the information we reveal has a lot more substance. As a lot of it is written before you even know each others real names, you feel safer to reveal personal thoughts because you can always disappear without a trace in case what you reveal creates a negative response. You can nearly literally be swallowed by the Earth if you stuff up badly. Because this is possible, you will also get to know the type of secrets that some of their closest friends don’t know. If that is not a good base for a relationship, I don’t know what is.

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– and if you think that’s true, I’ll show you a sad loser. *Holds up a mirror*

I mean, if you won’t try online dating because you think it’s for desperate people, what exactly are you saying? If you join up, you’ll get infected? People change into desperate losers because they join an online dating site? Is this the same kind of effect as listening to records backwards allegedly has? Doesn’t your attitude simply reflect a poor self-esteem? Aren’t you simply not doing something because you are afraid of a social stigma? How does that make you any better than the people who hold their heads up high in their profile picture? Your logic is lost with me.

Sure, if you’re a loser you can try online dating, but sadly you most likely won’t be any more attractive online than you are offline. People don’t change online! If you are a loser, you stay a loser no matter what kind of a monthly payment you make! The same goes with people who hook up with he opposite sex without any problems at all, they continue doing so online, but they have a lot more options to choose from! The advantage of online dating, whether you are a sad loser or not, is that you will multiply your options. That’s it. There are more people that will possibly be interested in you, and on the flip side of the coin, there are more people who you will find interesting. Using online dating doesn’t mean you have to give up or are forced to give up meeting people “in the real life”, it is just another way to meet people, another, very interesting way to do so. It is not necessarily better than doing it IRL, but it is different, and will suit a certain type of personality better, for example those WHO ARE NOT SHALLOW IDIOTS.  Online you actually have to prove you have a brain, in the real life it doesn’t seem to be that big of an issue as long as you have a pulse… (How’s that not desperate?)

What is it about online dating exactly, that you think is desperate? The fact you say that you are out there, single and looking? Didn’t everyone know that yet? If it’s that you actually admit that you want to find someone? In my opinion, it is the most natural thing to want; to find someone to share your life with (or moments even), so how is it desperate to look for love online? Or is it just because you think that the ONLY PEOPLE who use online dating are the outcasts that nobody wants? Here’s a newsflash for you: Most of my friends have found their mates online, and my friends are the type that have to fight the most eager ones off with a stick! I’m not exactly a dog either, and I found my husband online, and HE is the most amazing thing I’ve ever met, and there is no way in hell we would have met in the real life, ever. And to top that off, on average the online started relationships are more balanced and happy, because THEY KNEW WHAT THE OTHER ONE WAS LIKE before they went on to confirm it a “relationship”. You know how in the real life it is very easy to kind of get stuck with someone even though you’re not that into them because you find out too late in that you don’t really like them that much? Online you are more likely to find that out pretty early on, because you are required to communicate.

In my experience online daters are those with an iron strong self-esteem, who don’t give a toss about who is snickering at them feeling all superior because they don’t have a profile online. (At least with a picture on it, right?) Sometimes these strong people get approached as if they were desperate losers, but those hopefuls will be sadly disappointed if they think they’re going to get somewhere that way. But hey, what ever. If this is just another excuse to talk yourself out of doing something you really want to do… Not our loss. Just the next time you decide saying something to those lines, remember my mirror, and when you die alone as the sad loser you are, at least people will say: “Well, at least she wasn’t being desperate!” [/rant]

(So okay, if you are not into online dating it doesn’t automatically make you a sad loser, but it works both ways.)

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This post is for your guys out there. Some of this advice may seem pretty obvious to you, but trust me, it is not that obvious to all guys. So here we go:

1. Be respectful
This is the most important part. No matter what you are trying to achieve, whether you want to sleep with her or to marry her, this is the key. You won’t get anywhere, ever, by opening a discussion by “want to sit on my cock” or similar. If you do, you’re talking to a guy pretending to be a girl and the joke’s on you, mate.

2. Talk (chat, email) to women like you would talk to another guy you don’t know too well
Men are really good at communicating amongst each other, but for some reason some men think women are different and should be talked to differently. I actually read somewhere not long ago, that some men are physically incapable of thinking while in the presence of a woman. That would explain a thing or two, wouldn’t it? So prove that you’re not brain damaged and talk to women like an actual intelligent person would.

3. Pick your profile photo that shows your face
Women don’t like to talk to body parts, no matter how proud you are of them. Don’t make them!

4. Don’t start your profiles with silly sentences like:
“I don’t know what I’m doing here” or “Will I finally meet you this way?” or worst of all: “I’ve always thought online dating is for losers”… Why? Because they all make you seem desperate! There’s nothing as unattractive as a desperate man. In addition the last one states that you think she is a loser and you have sunk so low into your own misery that you’re now just starting to accept the fact that you’re a loser as well. Write your profile like it was just another way of meeting people, an option amongst other options, like it should be, and not the final straw you cling to!

5. If you have a sense of humour demonstrate it
Everyone claims they have a sense of humour. In fact, most of us do have a sense of humour, some of us have a bad sense of humour but still have it. If you’re funny, write funny. Don’t just say you have a sense of humour.

6. Write too long profile rather than too short.
Nobody is going to be interested in you if you only tell them you’re 185 cm tall, play soccer and go to uni. That’s all nice, but not enough to make an impression. If you have a writer’s block, like a lot of us do when writing profiles of any sort, let alone dating profiles, go offline and write about yourself in an unorganized manner onto a Word document. Don’t think about what you’re writing, just write about yourself and the girl of your dreams. When you cannot think of one more word to add, look at what you wrote and pick out the stuff you would like to put on the profile, and edit the text you have. Don’t worry about being too sensitive or not being sensitive enough, there’s going to be a gal out there who likes your style.

7. Be cool, not a tool
I say this over and over again, but when you’re online, you should always try to remain as genuine as possible. When you fake and pretend to be something you’re not, you are most likely to end up looking like a complete tool instead of cool. This goes to all your communication as well as photos and videos. Don’t try to mimic what other guys do when they do well with women, if it doesn’t come out naturally, it is not very likely to work unless you’re a fantastic actor.

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