Archive for July, 2009

To women, online dating can be a very frustrating past time. Although I am the biggest fan of finding dates online, I know all too well how frustrating it can be and WILL be. It seems that when a guy gets on a dating site, his brain flies right out of the window, and finding a good man can feel impossible. Unless the dating site is very well designed and well thought out, you might want to look for alternatives when finding dates.

If you have a passion for something that is fairly gender non-biased, or better yet, love something very manly (say Aussie footy ) don’t just mention that on your dating profile, but go where the passionate people discuss about the topic. I bet that if you’re not the only one loving it, there will be a discussion board dedicated for that specific past time. Then the only question is: Is there an off topic section on the board? (Note that off topic sections are often reserved for people who are active on the board, and open only after you’ve proven that you’re genuinely interested in the topic.) The off topic section allows you to be really social on the forum and find out things about the fellow members outside the topic. They are really the cream of most forums, while you all have a similar interest it’s not the only thing in your lives – hopefully.

The advantage of this is that you will meet people in a natural way. It’s not instantly sexual, but you can relax and talk about SOMETHING ELSE. You can get to know the men as they are in a real social situation, when they are not overrun by their hormones. If you can find a relaxing general discussion board, that’s good too, but they are very hard to find. Also, don’t avoid small discussion boards, because you’ll get to know the active members a lot faster than what you would on a massive board.

When you spend time on a board that is intended for something completely different than dating, you’ll obviously find a lot of people who are not single but you will also meet people who are. Your options may be more limited but also more targeted. The advantage of dating sites is that everyone is single, but the trouble with them is that they are often not targeted and are not designed so that you can meet people in a non-pressure environment. They are also quite competitive, and people can jump the gun a bit being afraid that someone else will get you if they don’t get there first. However, it’s worth a try.

And again, when you get on these boards, upload an avatar + user photo if possible, and fill out your profile and add a link to your blog, profile or website so that if someone finds you interesting, they can find out more about you. In your “about me” section, mention that you’re single (but not necessarily that you’re looking, in this environment it may sound a bit too obvious and desperate), also make sure your age and sex is there to see. In your signature, if allowed, add the link to your profile, but don’t mention anything about being single, unless you find a way to be really humorous about it.

Because I trust discussion boards to be the KEY to successful online dating, my dating site that is currently being coded, is based on a functional discussion forum. You can keep an eye on the developments at MyNook.com.au .

Happy birthday, granny, where ever you are. <3

Popularity: 3% [?]

Online girls are in the unfortunate situation that they get to hear a lot of crap from men. Some of it is just what it is; crap, but sometimes the overflow of crap can make us sensitive to the normal amount of crap. You know, we all shit, but not constantly, if you know what I mean.

Some men have a porn diarrhea. The symptoms are; They cannot hold it in, but need to relieve themselves at every opportunity. This results to opening lines such as: “Hey sexy, would you want to sit on my cock?” These sort of comments will and should be left alone, as there’s nothing you can say to that. Even if theoretically you don’t mind sitting on cocks, you wouldn’t just jump to the chance when ever it comes along, especially as the said cock is nowhere near to be actually sat on.

Now, while opening a conversation with a rude line like that is pretty much a deal breaker for every woman I’ve ever met – even those who are in the sex business unless they are working at the said moment – there comes a time when a bit of inappropriateness is in order. This is the time when the man tests you, because it is not just what we want of men, it is also what they want of us – and despite the appearances, we’re not actually talking sex here.

Guys will bring up sex at some point of your conversation, maybe sooner than what you would like them to. That is done on purpose, as they test how you react to it. Keeping things prim and proper might be comfortable for you, but without some sexual teasing, you’ll never get out of the friend zone. If a guy waits for you to get out of the friend zone, that will never happen, because girls want to be taken for the ride – most of us anyway – and a man who won’t even try to take a lead on this is most likely a complete wuss and you wouldn’t want to have anything to do with him in the first place. How you react to the first attempt will determind what will follow.

If you get all pissed off at him, pull a feminist reaction or go all “I’m not that kind of a girl” on him, and sounding like you actually mean it, his reaction will probably be: “Ah, another one of these. How bloody annoying.” He will probably continue along the same lines just to see the reaction again, because he’s annoyed at you and your type. (No offense, just saying what I have experienced.) He will not even think of you as a potential spouse anymore, because he’s already pissed off at your attitude, now your entertainment value comes from how many buttons he can push and how much angrier will you get.)

However, you can say exactly the same thing and sound like you were amused by his antics, and add that he better keep his cock in his pants for a while longer, (rude expressions are perfect in this case, and you want to be more rude than he was, just to shut him up,) he will probably back off and laugh at all of it. Because you didn’t get offended, he knows he will get his chance later on, he will also know that you’re not an up tight bitch nor are you an easy lay either. You showed him his place and showed him your place as well – you call the shots, and he’ll get there when you’re good and ready.

However, some guys don’t get the hint here but keep on pushing towards sexual topics, and that’s when you can just tell them to go fuck themselves – quite literally – and move on to better guys. Personally I have rarely, I can’t remember one, to be honest, encountered such morons online or offline, but I know they are out there, mainly it seems they’re online and in USA. What ever sucked the US men brain out when they logged in, I don’t know, but finally I can say I am proud of Finnish men. What do you US girls think, are guys really not getting it there, or is this just an urban myth that American men are either religious & traditional (wife and 3 children now), have no respect for women (sit on my cock, bitch) or both (you’re my wife, sit on my cock bitch and give me a son)? Because if they are, they need to be retrained!

Popularity: 4% [?]

For months now, me and my friend have been talking about online dating and comparing notes on how “online men” behave. She is an American and I am Finnish, and our experiences are vastly different. This makes me wonder if it is a question of attitude, luck or simply a difference in culture.

We both agree that there are a loooot of men writing idiotic and utterly moronic pointless messages to any girl online, but what seems to be different is that in America, the number of moronic online men is far greater than in Finland. I could easily weave out morons out of my inbox and simply find the cool guys, but it doesn’t seem to be that easy for my friend. I would be really interested to know about your experiences and which part of the world you had them.

I am also wondering, how much of a difference it makes which site you are using. I never really found the international dating sites that appealing when I tried them, so my friend might be onto something saying that it is the American men who have a bit of an attitude problem. Maybe I just happened to be on the right site in Finland, as even in Finland I severely disliked the other options available.

I would really appreciate your take on different sites and different countries as dating venues, and see if we can find some good ones out there. If you would care to share what sites you like and why, and what kind of things you would avoid on a dating site as a warning sign.

You can also respond to the poll on the sidebar.

Popularity: 3% [?]

There are certain elements that trigger the feeling of love. Some of them are entirely natural, like the love parents feel for their offspring, even if they wouldn’t like their kids. Take my mom for example, she loves me, I know she does, but I don’t think she likes me very much. If I was someone else’s kid, she’d be saying what a horrible scatter brain I am, completely unorganized, impractical, head-in-the-clouds-dreamer, who will never amount to anything and who is very lucky to have found a man who took her as his cross to bear. I know she thinks along these lines about me, but she still loves me. I know you might wonder what that has to do with anything, but it just shows you the difference of “love” and “like”, in case you’re wondering what I’m on about.

When it comes to romantic love though, some people are excellent at manipulating it. There are even personality disorders that are based on the ability to manipulate love, namely the narcissistic personality disorder. The reason why narcissists are so dangerous is the fact that they can MAKE you love them, even if you really didn’t like the person at all. Then they make you feel like you want them to love you back, and they offer you the love you want only to take it away again, and force you to want to be validated again and again by their love for you.

The same spell is cast over you when you find that one person who you just can’t have. You don’t have to like him or her, but when he/she seems to ignore your best traits, you just want to prove that you’re worth of love. As long as they deny you their love, you’ll be coming back begging for it. It’s just a very common response to being ignored, especially if you’re not used to it. Sadly, the more admirers you have the more likely you are to fall right into this trap, because you think that if that person won’t love me, he/she must be really special, and you just have to have them.

One of the most obvious situations where you can see love manipulation is reality TV. You put 20 beautiful girls who have never heard “not interested” in their lives in the same house with a guy. Any guy would do really, as long as he’s even remotely interesting. Stick him in there, and see what happens. The girls first announce that they are not the least bit interested in this guy, and a few episodes later they are confessing their undying love for this same guy. One of the girls get the guy, being head over heels in love with the bloke but a few months later they get separated, and he starts to wonder maybe he chose the wrong girl. He didn’t, he could have picked any one of them and the result would have been much the same, unless he got really lucky.

Love is like the super glue that fixes what is broken. It fills out the blanks. It is a very useful emotion, but can be very misleading at times. Like is a lot tougher to fool. Even if you’re madly in love, you can still list a few things you really don’t like about your special someone.

They say you can’t choose who you love, but that is not entirely true. What you can do, is reprogram yourself to recognize the destructive type of love, and once you recognize it, it is a lot easier to see right through the spell. You have to ask yourself if you like this person. If you say “yes”, ask yourself what is it that you like about him or her. You will have to come up with a tangible list of qualities that you admire and appreciate about him. Not just “I like the way he walks” or “I like the way she looks at me”. Those are bullshit things to like, and you know it, don’t you? If you can say something like “I love the way he studies things. How he concentrates to find the answer.” THAT is a good thing, but not necessarily enough by itself. You’ll need more than that. How does she or he make you feel? If you say you like the way he or she makes you feel, would you say they make you feel comfortable or uneasy? Comfortable is good, uneasy is usually more pleasurable, but not good in the long run. If you feel very relaxed and comfortable, but still aware that you’re with the opposite sex, you’ve got a winner. And yes, you should feel comfortable pretty much from the get go. Unfortunately no matter how much you want that hunky guy who makes your legs feel like jelly be able to make you comfortable once you get to know him.. Nah, probably not going to happen. You can try of course, and when you give up, remember I told you so.

Popularity: 3% [?]

A small step to human kind, but a big step for me. :p I’ve been trying to think of the perfect name for the site, ranging from Love Shack to Dating Forum and everything in between. You know how hard it is to find a domain that someone hasn’t got a claim on yet? Especially in dating. I bet they have regular brainstorming session to pick every available domain that refers to anything desirable online, and you have to be bloody creative to pick one that hasn’t been registered. Can you imagine that the domain RainbowBarCode.com is taken, but not in use? Who would have thought to reserve that as an investment?! I was surprised at myself that I even came to check that one. (Long, long story, that may reveal itself in the future.) Anyway, we finally found the domain of our dreams to bring you the love of your dreams. He-he.

So… What is the new domain name? Drum roll please!

MyNook.com.au

Popularity: 1% [?]

As you know, I’m planning to start my own dating site and my coder is hard at work right now. While I wait, I am studying more and more about the industry, the tips and how they operate. I must say, I spend most of my day trying to keep my breakfast down.

Here’s the obvious: They can sell your data. There’s constantly new sites coming up that need members to attract more paying members. Who’s going to sign up to a dating site that hasn’t got anyone on it to date, right? So the idea is to buy a database of users of another dating site. Some users are not real, some have already found their mate and moved on, and some will never check the site they are supposedly members of. This coin has two sides, as most coins do; the side that sells and the side that buys. Both of them are the types of sites you want to steer away from.

I don’t know yet, how to accurately find a site that will sell your info. Just when you join, keep this in mind and if you’re worried, do a google search on the company and see what is said. One big site that is very untrustworthy according to my studies is True.com. They have more than one trick up their sleeve, apparently.

One way to check if a site is a genuine site with its own members is to compare the amount of members to the Alexa rating and the Google page rank. (You can install a plugin for your browser to automatically show you both ranks.) If the site has a page rank of 2 and boasts thousands of members, you might want to check where they got their members from. It could be okay though. Some sites start up as “white label” sites, which means they have a centralized database that several sites use. To put it into more understandable terms, it’s like a dance club with several doors. Each door is has their own name on it, and you can choose if you want to use the door that says “Nite Train” or the door that says “El Gringo”. You pay for your entry at the door and join the same crowd in the inside. You might be surprised by the amount of people inside, as there was hardly no queue outside the door. However, you may end up being seen through the window that proudly writes “The Blue Oyster” (Remember that one?) on top of your head, if you sing up on a site that has a badly organized shared database. But even if you have signed up on a trusted site and everything, you still have little control over who will see your profile, as not even the site admin will know for sure where your face will end up with your complete profile. Sounds unnerving, doesn’t it? And the amount of this type of dating services is growing rapidly. I did consider that as an option for myself, but the lack of control just doesn’t feel right to me.

The next issue dating sites have is that they are a business. They need to keep you paying for the membership for as long as possible, which means no matter how many match functions they have, their goal is to sell you dreams of love instead of real love. They count on you trying for longer to find your true love before you give up and stop the subscription, rather than finding you a good match as soon as possible. If they don’t have matching functions, they will make it difficult for you to reach other members, so that you’ll spend time and money sending messages to each member. And those winks? Guess what the purpose of them is? They are a great way for a site to send you a “wink” by another member to get you to sign up to contact that member, and if you’re not getting real winks, nothing stops them from making one up. This doesn’t apply to all sites, and I’ve read some comments by dating site owners to the effect that they too feel sick thinking about it and they just want to help their customers to find love. (Of course they are then attacked by other dating site owners saying “you are a business, aren’t you?!”) The thing is, that doing what is right and what is profitable can be seen as two separate things, but there are people who see the way they can and will go hand in hand. So the point is, bigger isn’t necessarily better here. The bigger the site, the less likely the owner is going to care about you and your love life, and match profiles are rarely there to make the search faster for you.

This is more or less the reason why I never signed up on a paid site. I never trusted them. However, I now know that there are dating companies out there who are in it for the right reasons. Of course they want to make a profit out of it if they can provide a good service, and I can’t blame them for it. You have to try and make your living by doing something you love, I believe. (And we all love love!) So my advice is… Before you sign up, try to feel the vibe, and don’t forget, there’s other ways of making money off you on the site even if you’re not paying anything – like selling you out or getting paid for your eyeballs.

One site I would now sign up on: http://dating.co.uk/

Popularity: 5% [?]

Lets face it. Men often go to online dating sites looking for sex. Girls don’t, not as often anyway. So how do you get online girls to sleep with you? The answer: Some of them, you cannot. Some you can, and the way to do it, is to be honest with them about what you want.

There are 3 types of girls on dating sites:
1) Those who won’t sleep with you until they know you genuinely love them. There is absolutely no point for you to try to win them over because for what you are after, they are too much trouble. (Majority group in the US, Muslim and Catholic countries, where ever religion is strongly present. Affects even those who are not religious due to cultural values.)
2) Those who are primarily looking for love, but don’t mind having a bit of casual while waiting for their prince. (Majority group in Europe, especially Northern Europe. Good to know if you want cyber sex.)
3) Those who are just after sex like you are. (Minority group everywhere.)

You are targeting the groups 2 and 3.

In your profile, write that you’re really only looking for sex. Girls who will not consider it, will skip your add and go to the next one, but that’s alright, you couldn’t have talked them into it anyway. The girls who are not very conservative but more sexual in nature, will read on and find out what are your circumstances, why you’re just looking for sex and if that suits their situation. I’ll tell you a couple of stories of when I was single. I was mainly looking for real love, but I wasn’t the type to save it for marriage, I belonged to the second group:

I once replied to a guy who was blatantly looking to hook up only. I was in a phase of my life that I had no real qualms about meeting a hot police officer for a bit of fun and play, and that was exactly what we did for a couple of months, until I met someone I was interested in in a more deep level. Then I just texted him that heya mate, had fun, time to move on, good luck in the future. No mess, we both were on the same page and it worked beautifully. I don’t think his add even had a photo on it, but I went on a date to decide if I wanted anything out of it. Quite honestly I’m not even sure he was actually a police man, but he certainly had the build for it and if he was or not didn’t really matter in that situation. (However I do believe he was the real deal, as he never acted out of character. I didn’t check his badge or anything. )

The reason why I’m sharing this is that it really pays off to be honest. What ever you’re after there’ll be someone that will go for it. If he would have pretended to be after love and then ask me for sex, I would have just told him to go fuck himself, no chance in hell he would have succeeded. Or, if he would have then changed his mind and wanted a relationship, no way! That would have ended everything as well.

Tell you another example. I knew this super hot black boxer guy (in the real life), who I had drooled over for years. I finally hooked up with him once and then about a week later he texted me that he had computer problems and maybe I could help him with it. He opened the door in his underwear, and told me his computer was fine. I was so not in the mood because I had come over to fix his computer, not his other problems and I became very annoyed and told him that the next time he wants sex, just say so and I simply left. I never met him again and all his magic had disappeared.

When you are looking to hook up for sex only, you can lie about things like your profession. It really doesn’t matter if you’re not a cop, if you can pull off the role well enough, and be prepared to give some valid advice on when to call a cop or something. Girls will argue in the comments that they don’t want fake cops. Of course they don’t, but you can create a bit of a fantasy and if you can deliver I see no problem with it. However, there’s absolutely no NEED to do that to get laid.

What you want to do writing your profile, is to sound like a fun guy, who is safe to hang out with, who has a good head on his shoulders, and isn’t too creepy. You can’t sound like you’re riddled with guilt doing that, but you’ll have to sound like what you’re dong is fine in your books and you want to find a girl who is fine with that as well. I will NOT tell you how to do all that, because if you can’t then probably I don’t want to advice you on how to deceive girls. I’m mentioning it so that you will know that it matters what you write and how you write it, more even than what it matters on a “normal” dating profile. Girls will forgive flaws of men that they love, but they will not forgive flaws of men they sleep with. Men work the opposite way. If you don’t have success, that’s where I would look for the reason.

You don’t have to post your face on this type of profile, a good body shot will do fine – girls will understand – but never ever post a photo of your private parts. Trust me, that would be a bad idea! When you have a private connection with someone, you should email the photo of your face at that point, it creates trust. Better yet, have a web cam -conversation with her. Also, call her on the phone before meeting up, if nothing but to set up where to meet her, and always meet her on a public place first, that is again creating trust.

If you are looking for a kink-partner, go to an appropriate website, obviously, and again, be honest. When it comes to kink though, you really have to be 100% honest about everything. If you don’t reveal a detail that’s fine (unless the detail happens to be that you’re actually married or in a relationship) but don’t lie. It is also an option for you to find an “adult dating site” which are created for this exact use. Be aware though that these sites have a lot of “professionals” on them, so be suspicious if an unusually gorgeous girl is approaching you.

Why you should leave the Group 1 alone

First, they don’t want to have anything to do with you. They think you’re a creep and waste of oxygen. They will not change their minds.
Secondly, although it is possible for you to fool them into having sex with you, it usually takes a lot of time and effort, and sometimes money to get there. Often it’s really not worth it, because they want to validate your love for one another, while you just want to fuck her silly. That is not to say that they wouldn’t fuck you silly if the relationship goes on, but that requires some real emotions from you.
Thirdly, they know the game you’re playing already. You might be able to fool a 16-year old, but when they’re past 20, they’re so over you and your type. I know you don’t mind a 16-year old, but make note that they do come with a legal protection in this area.
You are after easy sex, right? If not, you’re just being emotional.

To recap, girls weren’t born yesterday either. Apart from the ones that were, obviously. They can see through bullshit a lot better than you can, and they have OPTIONS. They don’t HAVE to sleep with you even though they didn’t want anything else from a guy, because a quality chick can ALWAYS get laid when she wants to. So don’t waste your time bugging girls who are not interested in casual sex, but put your energy into creating a quality profile for yourself and let them come to you. A quality chick wouldn’t write a sex only ad on a dating site, but she might just contact you for it if you have presented yourself well enough. The best thing you can really pull an advantage over the average Joe is by being honest about what you want. There ARE girls just as sexual as you are, you just have to make yourself available and intriguing option for them.

Popularity: 13% [?]

When you find someone new online, it is a good idea to do a bit of background checking. Online it is fairly easy, of course.

Do a Google search by their name, nickname, email address or phone number. There might be a lot of people by the same name, but email addresses and phone numbers are personal and usually point to the right person. (Some exceptions apply, but you’ll be the judge.) You might not want to go over board with this one if you don’t have specific reason to be suspicions. It is a bit stalky, really, even though it is perfectly legal.

Ask if they have a blog or Facebook account Reading someone’s blog is a great way to get to know them, and if you ask them for it, it’s not like you’re stalking. If they give you the blog address without asking, don’t hesitate to check it out, because they gave it to you for a reason. If you have a blog, you can offer the address to them too, fair is fair! If you connect on Facebook, check their wall.. If it’s full of messages like “Who are you, where have we met, again?” you probably don’t want anything to do with the person really. Also if you check the friends list… I used to be bald, and even though I was married I found it really icky that a lot of men added me to their friends list because of the bald. I know that, because they had like 20 other bald women on their friends list, and that simply cannot be a coincidence! If all of his friends are hot girls, or her friends are film stars and rock stars, you know what you’re looking at.

If he is talking about his ex’s don’t get jealous, open up your ears! What, and how is he or she saying it? It is equally as bad sign if they praise their ex’s than if they blame them and are full of hate toward them. Especially if there are several ex’s that they have same feelings for. Obviously, there was something wrong in the relationship if it became an ex-relationship, but one thing is for sure; All the men or women that your new find has dated had one thing in common – your new find. It could be that he or she has messed things up all by themselves. For example, even though sometimes mothers keep their children away from their ex out of maliciousness, it is far more common for them to deny access to the child for a very good reason.

Popularity: 1% [?]