Intimate O(pi)nions

Archive for June, 2009

People often ask the question: “how do you know you’ve found love?” I have a very simple answer to it: Love is the answer, and if you are asking questions, you haven’t found it yet. If you are asking yourself questions like “Should we move in together” or “what are the pros and cons of us staying together” you know the answer isn’t love. Pros and cons are for bargaining, it means that you are giving up something, and if you feel you are giving up something, you haven’t found love, at least if you wonder if this person is worth giving something up for.

People say that when you have found love “you just know it”. That is true. You know it, because all questions stop popping into your head. There’s no more “does he/she really love me back?” any more than “do I really love him/her?” going around in your head. All that is left is just a calm knowledge that all is well and how it should be.

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I have previously told you to put your photo up on your dating profile, no matter what you look like. What you look like is only one aspect of it, so let’s think about the kind of photo you should try to get or find.

1. Pick a current photo

Don’t use a photo that was taken 10 years or 20 kilos ago, even if you looked better then. Take a new photo!

2. Select one that shows the real you

If you never put on make up or wear a biker jacket, don’t take a photo in which you do. Good option is to take a photo before you’re going out and still getting ready by yourself or with your friends, that’s when you’re presentable and hopefully on a good mood! Go through the photos of you on Facebook and see if a friend has managed to capture the best of you on camera. A word of warning though. Don’t use a photo that shows you obviously drunk. It’s not a good look.

3. Do not bother taking a super model -quality photo

You can take a photo with a professional photographer, as long as they understand this is not a glamour shot. If a photo is too good, like ripped straight out of a magazine -good, people will think it’s a fake photo and not contact you thinking that you want to sell them a membership to an adult website. If you are really good with Photoshop, don’t fix the photo with every trick you’ve got up in your sleeve, just adjust the colour balance, lighting and the basic stuff, maybe remove a blazing red pimple of your face and remove red eyes, but that’s it!

4. Don’t include your friends

This is one time when you don’t want your friends around you! Especially you don’t want an ex in your photo, that goes without saying. I wouldn’t even do a blank-out-the-friends -edit, it’s kind of tacky, but then again, if you really cannot handle a camera without your friends, maybe you have to. I’m sure there will be members of the opposite sex who symphatise, but remember to mention the fact you don’t like being photographed on your profile!

5. Ask your friends

What you do need your friends for is to a) take the photo and b) pick the photo for you, if you are unsure. For best results, if you want to find a girl, ask your female friends, and if you want to find a guy, ask your male friends. Often we do have an odd idea what the opposite sex wants of us, so it’s safer to go by their opinion. They can also help you to find the photo that looks the most natural and “like you”. Obviously you won’t have much of a clue about it. Related to this, I had one photo of me that I really didn’t like at all, but everyone kept saying what a lovely photo it was. I never used it on my dating profile because I didn’t like it, but it probably would have been a good idea on a hind sight.

If you do take a photo yourself, use the camera timer, and rather not take the photo from your arms length or especially not through the mirror. Most cameras have a self timer function that is fairly easy to use. Consult your manual if necessary.

Example

I have included a photo of myself on this post. If I was creating a profile now, and that photo was recent, I would probably go with that one. One reason is that it is rare that I’m smiling like that on photos, but I smile like that in the real life all the time. Nothing is more attractive than a big smile. As you can see, my hair is not done, I’m wearing glasses (I could pick a photo with contacts on, too) and an old worn out biker jacket that I love, and the background is very much not prepared for a photo, but it shows my personality more than any other photo I have, I think. What do you think? A good call or a bad call?

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Often when you read dating advice it gives you the idea like you were applying for a job. We have to realize that finding a soul mate is not like finding a job. When you are looking for a job, you want to impress and show all the qualities that will BENEFIT the company you are applying for, but when you are looking for love, you are there to find someone who will love you for the real you. That’s not to say you shouldn’t put your best foot forward, but don’t fake it. It doesn’t matter if all the other people on the site think you’re a complete douchebag, as long as there is that special someone who goes and reads the words of a soul mate. Someone they can really relate to and imagine watching the telly with for the rest of their lives without arguing over the channels too much.

Although I tell you not to fake it, I tell you to do your best at writing your profile or your dating add. Go out of your way with it, and don’t hold back. Don’t just list your favourite things you like to do or what you wear, that won’t reveal any information about your soul, not even to your soul mate. Do the best you can to be a genuine you, and fear not, if someone ridicules you for it, fuck ‘em. In the end you might have the last laugh after they’ve gotten divorced 3 times and you’re blissfully in love with your wife or husband. Love comes to those who are brave enough to go after it with all that they’ve got, and if you’re not brave enough to do that, then you’re just going to have to get used to the idea that you’ll never find the one.

Remember while you write, that you are writing to the love of your life. He or she will not mock you for it, ever. They will embrace it, love it and print it out for the kids to read when they grow up. That piece of writing could be read out at your wedding, the magical piece that brought your love to you. Be an idiot if you must, there will be an other idiot just like you, who will sigh of relief when they read your add. They will go: “Finally, someone who will understand me, someone I can trust myself to be around. Someone I can relate to.” Having a fantastic job, Armani suit or Versace dress, cooking exotic food every night and surfing over weekends are not required to find love. Trust me, there will be someone just like you, looking for someone just like you.

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When you start approaching people online, you have to be aware that not all social networks are dating sites. This means, that even though the site might look like a dating site, it might have similar functions, it still may not be one. Now that social networking has become more of a norm, I suppose misplaced dating requests have gotten fewer (active daters, can you confirm?), but I doubt that it had stopped completely.

Pen pal sites, Social Networking sites, Business networking sites etc: They are not dating sites, and you should not assume that all women there want to be married to a man from Ghana. Do not disturb people who are not looking for love there, even if they were single. I know it is sometimes hard to understand why people would use a social site and still be annoyed for someone contacting them, but you just have to agree to disagree.

If you are on a strictly dating site, the type that has happy couples in the front, uses phrases like “dating site” (dead giveaway) “romance”, “love” and the sort, you are safe to assume that people there are looking for love. Regardless, they are not looking for just any kind of love:

Read their profile

To find out what the person is there for, read the profile! It’s that simple, always read the profile before contacting anyone. That is just common courtesy and wise. It gives you an competitive edge too, because a lot of people don’t read profiles. Pick something that you find interesting about it, and when you write the first message, mention that interesting thing, so the receiver knows you went through the trouble and you’re not just speeding through a bunch of pretty/handsome people.

“But that takes time and she/he still won’t reply, I know!”

If that’s what you’re saying, you’ve already lost. The best you can expect to get from this, is someone who is VERY DESPERATE to meet someone. People want to feel special, especially when it comes to the matters of love. If you send random messages to random people, you will give them the impression that you don’t care at all who’s going to reply to you as long as someone does, and that makes you seem desperate and thus undesirable.

You wouldn’t (hopefully) try to pick up every member of the opposite sex at a Entrepeneur’s Conference, so make sure you know why everyone has come to this place. Sure enough, there will be someone wishing for a fling at the conference as well, just as there will be at a normal social networking site, but you’ll have to know who the people are and how to approach them. Online it’s just that much easier: RTFP (Read the Fucking Profile.)

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We often have a long list of requirements we have on our future companion… A very long. Sometimes it is good to ask ourselves that what it is that we bring onto the table ourselves. What do you have to offer? Advice on how to handle things, aka nagging? Neediness? Demands? Outdated ideas on labor division? Well, let’s look it from the positive point of view. Are you fun to be with? Do you laugh a lot and have a sense of humor? Are you romantic? (Men do like romantic women, but might have problems with overly sugar coating things.) Do you care about your partner? Which one is more important to you, what things look like to the outside or how they truly are? HOW important is it to you, how things look like? Do you make your partner feel loved and cared for, and most importantly, understood?

These questions are important to think about, as a lot of women have an attitude about themselves and their men that they are a price that men have to jump through hoops to deserve, no matter what kind of a hag she is. The same goes with men. Some men expect to date the big breasted model while his own gut is hanging over his belt. Granted, having standards is good, but you have to offer a lot in return! Relationships are ALWAYS two way streets, and our significant others are not our servants, but they would bring you the moon if they could if you make them feel like kings or queens just by being around them. Nagging is so not the way to do it – you will catch a lot more flies with honey – even though I don’t know a woman who would want to catch flies, but bare with me.

Another thing people in general do wrong is to think about the opposite sex as the opposite sex. In reality, there is not that much difference between us, we’re all just people, and we all need to be loved and cared for an accepted. Especially women who have the idea in their head that “men are pigs” and similar thoughts, should realize that men are not the enemy. They are wonderful creatures who have a lot to offer if you treat them as for what they are; people. And men, who worry about “understanding women”, should stop trying to understand all women as a group; all women are different and they should not be put into a same big slab of qualities. These men should just concentrate on understanding this one woman they are involved with.

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