Intimate O(pi)nions

Archive for May, 2009

Bad boys. Bad girls even… I think we’ve all been burned by one, or maybe five of them which is more accurate in my case. Sadly, I think I could have been classified as one myself, at least if I was a guy. But what is it about them that pull us in like that? Good looks without a doubt, a player has to have good looks. But then we have a lot of good looking guys and girls around who are not nearly as attractive as their less than perfect looking player counterparts, so it’s safe to say there’s more than looks involved.

Confidence is the key, right? They walk the walk and talk the talk. They KNOW they can have you any time they want, and they are not afraid to pull you in for a bit of fun. They don’t think about it as playing with your emotions, surely they know this is for fun only, I never promised you anything, right? We’re on the same page here, aren’t we?

I used to complain about guys falling in love so easily, you couldn’t spend time with them without having them eat out of your hand two hours later. At the same time I was complaining about those guys who you just couldn’t have – players. I never thought that maybe I was one, and the thought has never even occurred to me until now… Because players have something wrong with them, right? They are evil! I just… Had standards and had fun at the same time. I was looking for the right guy, just like they were looking for the right gal, and paths cross, paths separate, no biggie. So while to some I was irresistible, some were irresistible to me, and rarely the attraction was mutual – at least not in the same level. So I pined after guys who I now realize I didn’t even like that much. I liked the wrapping for sure (the looks) and some of the things they said – some more than others, some I would have rather gagged than listened to them, but still I thought they were the best thing since sliced bread!

So what is it that attracts us to these people we just can’t have? Sadly, I think it is our need for acceptance and stroking our own ego that makes us beg for their attention and love, while completely ignoring his more intelligent, more entertaining, more handsome and more emotionally balanced friend who would give you anything you wanted, if you just stopped begging for a second of the other guy’s precious time.

It is likely though that the players have a reason for their behaviour. It may come from a real trauma, or perhaps he has standards. Maybe he is after someone who will be loyal without a question, or maybe he has an ideal of love that you just can’t measure up to because it was too good… IE the Don Juan -syndrome. You know, he loved only one woman and while he couldn’t have her, he entertained himself with other women… Plenty of other women. (I totally know a real life Don Juan, but a lightning hasn’t sriken him dead yet.)

Usually you are wasting your time with players, we all know that, but it is too much fun to leave them alone and give up, right? It’s really not about the end goal, it’s the thrill of the chase, isn’t it, most of the time? It’s the validation we have when they give us one meaningful look, that is ten times more important to you than ten looks from another average guy.

It’s not only about the guy either. Have you noticed the competition effect? That’s what shows like Batchelor are based on. Put a group of women together with one guy, and even though not all of them wold be attracted to the one guy initially, they will be in a couple of days. It’s not about him, it’s about beating the other women in the game and getting a confirmation of your attraction. Once the competition is over, cameras are off… The attraction wears thin.

I’m not saying you shold stop the chase… It’s too much fun to stop! Just pay attention your motives, just out of curiosity.

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One very important thing about finding the right relationship is to know what exactly it is that you’re aiming at. The sad fact is that most of us don’t have a real life model of true love. Even if it existed, it’s sometimes hidden really well from the outsiders, as lovers often have a world of their own where nobody else sees. We are not doomed to not knowing though, as there are resources we can use to learn to know love. Unfortunately, a lot of the most commonly used secondary resources are complete gobbledygook. We have all seen movies about romance. They only go as far as the boy getting the girl, and only very rarely describe good relationship with any realism that could help you see into a good relationship if you haven’t had the fortune of watching your parents or other people around you. Occasionally there is a quote or two that can bring light into it, like in the movie “Good Will Hunting”, the character played by Robin Williams tells Matt Damon’s character what he misses his about his wife. He says what he misses is the little things that you share when you let someone into your world. Then he goes on describing how she used to wake herself up at night with a loud fart, and he always told her it was him and apologized, as he didn’t have the heart to tell her it was she who was farting. It is rare in movies that the real romance is shown, as the real romance is usually quite mundane and well – Not very romantic in the classical sense, as you can grasp from that example.

The real romance is not about having heated arguments and then having heated reconciliations, and excitement in everyday life but quite the opposite. A real loving relationship is calm, quiet and kind. Sounds awful doesn’t it? But if you think about two horses, who lay their huge heads on top of each other to mutually stop into a moment, while quietly chasing the flies off themselves and each other, you might see why it’s not awful. It is a space that is safe when the rest of the world crumbles down around you. It is a person you know you can return to and feel admired, respected and loved on your worst day, and not the person who makes you excited about the possibility that he or she might love you this time – or might not. Unbelievably often people mistake the mere need to be accepted as true love, and this mistake might prove to be fatal – and I’m not kidding. This is exactly the need that abusive spouses count on when luring you in.

Coming back to examples we all know, let’s take Sex and the City and the four girls. Which one of the final couples do you think had the most chance in true happiness? I’m betting you’ll say Carrie and Big, but unfortunately, you’re wrong. Steve and Miranda is the correct answer. Carrie and Big were all about the need to be validated and approved in the end, while Steve and Miranda had their relationship based on friendship and respect. Of Carries boyfriends, the only guy who had a clue about anything was Aidan. Unfortunately it takes two, and Carrie is pretty clueless!

To put a real goal into your future relationship, imagine yourself in it. SEE yourself happily married. What is it like? What makes you so happy? How does it feel to feel pure joy when the other half of you two walks in the door after a long day at work? How does it feel like to be completely safe and respected and loved, and never having to doubt that? Imagine that when you go to bed each nigh for the next week.

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An American friend of mine objected to my recent post about men NOT loosing their respect for you if you sleep with them too early on in the game. Although I find this appalling, I do have to take it into account, that some countries are still stuck in the 1950’s, and it seems USA is one of them although they should be leading the way. After the sexual revolution and all, they still want to stick women into a box, tie it up with a pink ribbon to be opened up on her wedding night and not a moment before.

Cultures that still put a guilt trip on sexually free women are trying to reverse the natural order of things: Women have the power in sexual relationships. They say when men can have it, when they’re going to have it and when they’re going to have to beg for it. Men don’t like that power, but they want to take it away from the women, and keep them constantly ashamed of their sexuality, because the more ashamed women are, the more it gives power to the men.

Getting slightly off the topic here for a moment, another friend of mine, a Finnish guy, once took a business trip to USA and had a meeting there with a bunch of people. The meeting was interrupted numerous times by people who were late, and he said that he suddenly realized that every time a man walked in late he was filled in on what had been discussed before the meeting moved on. If a woman walked in, even if she outranked the men, she would sit down in silence and the meeting would go on without anyone taking the trouble to fill her in. My friend found this incredibly disturbing and disrespectful, as he’d always been used to men and women being treated equal, in the work place as well as in the bed.

So maybe the trouble in these countries isn’t as much whether or not men will lose their respect for the woman after having sex with her, but that they don’t have respect for women, period. But if American women think that men will just suddenly give them the right to sleep around, they’re sadly mistaken. Rights are taken, not given. Finnish women were the first in Europe and second in the world to receive the right to vote, and they are not the type that take shit from men. The one time a guy I had slept with on a first date told me he “looses respect for women who sleep with him on a first date” I thought he was insane! It never crossed my mind that I should be ashamed of myself, quite the opposite, I thought he was being an incredible moron, and then I started thinking that what kind of a mother allows her son to put a value on people based on something like that.

When I was thinking about my American friends’ objection, I was thinking about sluts. What makes a slut in America is clearly not what makes a slut in Finland. (I would love to hear about Australian point of view on this, as I’m rather unfamiliar with it. I suspect it’s somewhere in between, but closer to the Finnish…) In Finland it’s not about numbers. Girls can have sex with as many guys as they want, if they have standards. What ever their standard is, is up to them, if it’s good looks, intellect, right words said at the right time, what ever, as long as they have standards that most guys will fail to meet. Also, a girl will hve to be able to go home after a night out alone if she didn’t find anyone interesting, and not lower her standards (too much) to get laid. A girl turns into a slut, when she has no standards and sleeps with (or makes a move on) any guy she sees, for the attention, acceptance or odd chance that he might love her. In other words, what makes a slut is desperation, not numbers, and in theory it is possible to be a virgin and be considered a slut in Finland.

When I was wondering about all of this, I emailed a male friend of mine in USA, who I know likes his casual very much, and asked him this same question.  To my surprise he answered without a hesitation that yeah, totally he loses his respect for a girl if she sleeps with him, because if she does it with him, she probably does it a lot. (I was left to wonder what does it matter if she does it a lot anyway..?) But another thing he said was interesting. He also said that that is why they love the Finnish and Japanese girls because they are so sexually liberated. I asked him if that means that they don’t lose their respect for a Finnish or Japanese girl for having sex with them, but do so if the girl is American and should know better… I will tell you later what he replied if he does answer my email – and while we’re waiting, why don’t you tell us what you think.

I don’t know, all I can say about this that I personally don’t have respect for people who think people’s sexual behavior is something to pass judgement on, you either have it or you don’t and it’s not really anyone’s business how much, what kind, when and with whom you have it.

What do you think, is it a numbers game or a question of attitude where you come from, in your personal experience?

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“Falling in love is finding a match for your traumas” said a family friend once, a wise man of a sort. I have never understood that more clearly than when I realized why this one guy just wouldn’t stick. This is ancient history, but it’s such a good example of what I mean that I have to share it with you all.

In my 20s, I fell head over heels in love with this guy who had a resemblance to the young Brad Pitt, and a good sense of humour. His eyes were constantly laughing, and the first time I saw him at a club, he was talking to another girl, while taking glances at me. I gestured to him that he was a naughty boy talking to her, and when he was finished, he walked to me, got my phone number and said he couldn’t stay now, but would call me later.

To my great surprise he actually called the following Wednesday and asked me out. I wasn’t quite sure what to think of him, he was clearly from different social background than I was, but he was very charming – and quite short. (I’ve always said I needed a tall guy but fall in love with the ones who are barely my height.) I can’t remember exactly how everything went from there, but I do remember the first night he spent at my place. All very nice, no need to go into details, but in the morning he said he would go now. I wouldn’t hear of it and playfully chained him into the bed with his own (quite tacky) golden jewelery. When I finally freed him, he asked me to come with him to meet his friends, which I did. I spent the Sunday with him and thought things are just going swimmingly with this guy, how fabulous! During the Sunday, he introduced me to his best friend, who happened to be the girl at the club, and told me that they used to date but these days they were just best of friends. I was cool with that. He then told everyone how I had imprisoned him, and he seemed, and I’m not exaggerating, glowingly happy about the fact. I naturally thought he was into bondage, and that was my first mistake.

So when things moved on, it formed into some sort of a weird song and dance between us two. I didn’t know if we were together or not, and I don’t think he had much of a clue either. We met regularly after hours, the booty call type of thing, sometimes hang out during the evening, but he would often wander of to another club or something but get back to me at the last call. He always escaped me in the morning, with a playful look on his face, which I didn’t quite understand, but thought that he was using his boyish charm so I wouldn’t be mad at him for leaving as soon as he woke up. That was my second mistake. He even once escaped the buss when we were supposed to go to my place. Without a word he just got off at his stop (we lived around the same area) and I did not understand what was his problem. I was just very frustrated with him, as he seemed to be there, but just out of my grasp. So I thought he just needed his freedom and space and gave it to him.

Eventually, I found someone else who was more co-operative, and put this guy to rest. However, when that romance finished on a not so happy note a couple of years later, I gave this guy a call. We agreed to meet up, and then he told me that he had indeed loved me, and that he just wanted me to tell him to stay. At the time I didn’t really make the connection, because I was still under the assumption that he was a guy with simple needs and a need of freedom, so I just told him that I wasn’t going to order anyone to spend time with me if they clearly didn’t want to. Regardless, we had a romance Take II and it ended the same way as the first one. I still refused to humiliate myself enough to beg/order someone to stay with me, and besides, I was just that much older and wiser that I knew it was just a temporary solution.

Now, with a lot more experience in life I suddenly put all of this together. He did love me. He wasn’t into bondage. He wsan’t escaping me, he was testing me. He wanted me to stop him, chain him down and lay down the law, so that he would know I really wanted him there. I also remembered he told me that his father used to beat up his mother, which tells me that he didn’t have the happy childhood that I did. To him love clearly meant rules and restrictions, someone ordering you to stay. To me, it meant the opposite. Sure, if I had put this all together in time, I probably would have played along with him and hand-cuffed him on my wrist 24/7 and that would probably have made him quite happy… But in the end, I know we really didn’t have anything to build a real relationship on. This is just to tell you all, especially you girls, that even guys have their traumas, and they too sometimes have clear ideas on how they want to be loved. In this case, I appeared to be exactly what he ordered, but I probably confused him just as much as he confused me.

So maybe the next time you’re in a situation like that you might want to ask the other party why are they acting the way they are. If they don’t answer, which they probably won’t, tell them what you THINK it means. Usually, when you voice an assumption which is way off the mark, people start to object to that, because that is just a horrible way to think of it, and tell what is really going on. The answer might not be pleasing, but at least you’ll know.

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A very common belief even today is that if a woman has sex with a man on the first date (or even before the first real date) is that he will lose his respect with her. No man will ever marry a woman he had sex with in early times of their relationship – that is what all teen aged girls will be told by some adult in their life. I was lucky that this adult was my auntie instead of my mom or dad, but nevertheless, I did take her words seriously for some time before I realized it was utter garbage. Nobody looses their respect for you, unless you lose it first.

The problem with this is that if you truly honestly believe that good girls don’t have sex on the first date, you WILL lose your respect for yourself after doing it, and that resonates to the man’s reactions towards you – he will no longer respect you either. However, his reactions to you will not change if your attitude towards yourself doesn’t change. I know this first hand.

Some women seem to believe, that sex is the ONLY thing a man could possibly (naturally) want of them. So there are two ways to go with this belief; First option, preferred by the good girls, is to hold the sex as a price for good behavior until the wedding bells toll, hoping that a miracle would occur and he would actually fall in love. The other method is to use it as a price for any interaction with her at all, hoping that by offering sex, he will come back for more for long enough to the miracle of love occurring. Both of these strategies are based on the belief that a woman carries no initial value to a man, apart from what they can do for him sexually. (= Man is too stupid to think for himself). The belief is of course false, and leads to distorted sexual behavior.

Just by chatting about sex online with men I have noticed that they are beyond frustrated by women who won’t even talk about it. They give you praise for telling them the truth of how things are and why women might feel about this or that. This is a global thing; a Turkish guy is just as grateful of it as a Finnish man, who has been surrounded by rather free spirited women all his life. (The difference is that the Turk would probably not marry you, but the Finn would.) The way the men talk about prudish women is far from being respectful. The men sound frustrated and irritated by them, and dare I say, they think prudish women are stupid. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been said to be “a very intelligent woman” because I went down that road and talked about sexuality in general. I didn’t have to tell them details about my sexual preferences, it was enough to take a general approach. Just talking about it like you were the school nurse wins you points.

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There is a certain balance to find when it comes to this difficult topic. If you are looking for a serious relationship, you really don’t want to be asked/ask about your/her favorite sexual positions before the first date, but there are some sexual topics that could be discussed without it being a red flag. To a lot of guys sex is a very important part of their lives, and they just can’t help feeling the way, but obviously, if you have reservations about it, then it might not be a good match to even try matching a pair with a high libido guy. (Or the other way around.)

While to me the topic isn’t that much of a tabu that I would run away from a guy who brings it up after 2 hours of chatting, there is “a tone of voice” that I’m sensitive to. You say now, that there isn’t a tone online, but there is, it’s between the lines. Some men are “happily interested” in sex and some are “obsessively interested”. Think about that for a while, and see if you can understand the difference. Needles to say, us girls don’t like the obsessive interest, as it is unhealthy, while the happy interest is nice and a desirable quality. The guys with a happy interest towards sex usually are good at bringing the topic up in a way and time that is appropriate, but not if you have decided there isn’t such time before the x:th day or y:d date. To be fair to the men, tell them if you have a set time before it’s okay to speak about sex. In my point of view this time frame is reasonable if it is until 2nd date and/or after 7 days of ACTIVE online communication. That is if you have a rule of not bringing up the topic AT ALL during that time. (If you happen to live in a country that has clear cultural rules about it, of course I’m not telling you otherwise.)
How the subject is brought up however, once it’s time, there are differences. If the first thing you hear is “Come and sit on my cock.” You probably found yourself a loser. If the first thing that you hear is “Hmm… I’d like to ask you a personal question, because the subject is, as a guy, interesting to me… What’s your attitude towards sex?” Okay, I don’t know one guy who would actually use those words, but you got my point. There’s a difference in approach and delivery. First one blatantly wrong, and the second one… A bit awkward and clumsy, but at least it’s respectful. My point is, that just because it is mentioned, doesn’t mean that’s all they want.

To explain this a little, I have come across with women, who have somewhat unrealistic expectations on male behavior regarding sex. Since they are “not that kind of girls” men who even bring up the topic of sex “too early” is a no-no and they immediately stop communicating with “such men who want nothing but sex from them”. I cannot do but sigh. It is rare that I would have met a guy who only wants sex of me, and even rarer is a guy who doesn’t want more than sex from anyone. Sure, they want sex, and the faster the better, but it doesn’t mean that is all they would need or want.  They need to be loved, cared for, appreciated and admired just as us women do, but to them having sexual relations is a huge representation of it, much more so than to a woman. To a woman, sex is expression of love – that is what we are made to believe at least – to a man, it’s a sign of simple acceptance. So, my focus here wouldn’t be “does he talk about sex too early” but “is he downright tacky talking about sex”.

Essentially, I don’t think men and women are “wired” that much differently. While we might have a stronger need to mate for life the need to breed and better the survival chances of our offspring is equal to men.  Granted, we no longer have to breed, we have that choice, but what has been coded into our very core, won’t change just because someone came up with the pill half a century ago.

Would you agree, that what your authorities (including parents and priests) have told you in life, has a huge impact on how you believe things are? One of my fashion designing teachers told us, very strongly, believing in this with her whole being; “Every skirt must have pockets.” When we asked why, she explained that there needed to be a place for a handkerchief. She would not change her mind even when we told her that the hankie could be easily placed into the hand bag. That is a fairly harmless belief to have, but essentially no different to beliefs that we have about sexuality, romance and relationships.

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Something made me think about cheating – not that I wanted to cheat, but rather how would I feel if… I know a lot of women find a sexual encounter the worst type of cheating imaginable, I can think of something far worse though.

Imagine your husband regularly meeting up with another woman for a morning coffee, sometimes for lunch, sometimes for dinner, sometimes for a trip to the museum or something similar. Sometimes he would even invite her over the house, and then I would have to carry on a conversation with her, but it would always be clear that they are friends, not me and her. They would share thoughts and ideas, they would be best friends, but they would never sleep with each other, not because they didn’t want to, but because they were married. That to me, would be the worst fate ever. There’s nothing wrong with it, nothing I would have a right to judge, to tell him not to do that, but I would know that my husband would rather tell his secrets to someone other than me… Or some other bloke. That would mean that I was in their way, they were supposed to be married, not me and him.

I would much rather prefer my husband screwing a hundred different women when ever he has the chance and then leave them after his needs are met. I could understand that. I would still be the special one, the only one he returns to, and who he shares his life with. Sure he would be a disrespectful piece of… and would fly out the house as soon as I would find out, but at least I wouldn’t be trapped with him nor would I need to wonder what I did wrong.

I have learned something rather unsettling during the last year. I know for a fact about a few guys who cheat on their wives. All of them are really handsome, witty, clean cut, sporty, the kind of men your mom would welcome as their son-in-law any time of day. They go to an away-game and that to them means “Las Vegas”. What happens during a game trip, stays on the game trip. They are completely unfazed by it, it’s the common thing to do. And what is even more scary is that there is nothing wrong with their wives or girlfriends. They are beautiful, young, friendly and loving, and they still get treated the same disrespectful way. I almost had a relationship with one of these guys. He seemed always a bit scared of me, I’m not sure if I treated him differently to the other women, I don’t know but I’m glad it didn’t last for long. I have no doubt he would have cheated on me the same way he cheats on every woman he’s ever been involved with. Maybe he already did while we were together the short time we did. What I want to say with this one is that if you do find yourself being cheated on, by a guy you never thought would be the type… You may have just found one of these bastards, and it’s not your fault. Let me repeat that: It is not your fault. You couldn’t have made them happier, you couldn’t have done more, given more… It is not your fault.

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Have you ever noticed of yourself, that sometimes you hate/dislike people just because they somehow carry themselves “the wrong way”? That is probably not about your attitude, but the energy, or the vibe, their mojo, if you will that these people send out. I consider myself a fairly healthy personality. I’m more aggressive than I am nurturing though, for the record. I have never hit anyone apart from Taekwondo practices, and if fights with my brother under the age of 12 don’t count. Yet, sometimes when I walk past people on the streets, I get a sudden urge to hit a total stranger, just because they are somehow “asking for it”. They walk in a manner that expects someone to attack, and my aggressive side reacts to it in a split second. However, since I have a good impulse control it has never become an issue, but it clearly registers in my head when I see a person like that.

I had an mojo problem myself when I was younger. I firmly believed that nobody would find me attractive, and if someone did, I should be grateful for any attention at all, from whomever at all. Make a guess how much attention I received. You’re right. None. In addition to a few sad attempts to dating a guy who ran away within one or two weeks, none. What makes things worse; people around you are not sure of themselves any more than you are. So, if you’re putting out the vibe that you don’t want to talk to anyone because you’re too shy to, they might take that as a sign that you think you’re too good to talk to them. This is what I have found out a lot later about my situation, people thought I was being a “diva”, while in fact I was scared shitless about talking to anyone!

It all changed one magical evening out at a pub, when I was 18-years old. I had tons of (sober) fun with my friends, and I had totally forgotten about guys and what they would think of me or would they think anything or whatever. Suddenly, I looked around as I realized I was being watched. Not by one, not by two, but several guys were totally checking me out! That was a feeling I had never had before, and I remember it like it was yesterday. The change was so obvious, and my own attitude that night was so obviously different to normal, that it just hit me like a lightening; it hadn’t been about my “luck”, the condition of my skin or how men just like blonde girls, it was about me all along! It had been me who had been telling them that there’s nothing for them here, walk away while you still can. The same attitude resonates online, fortunately for some and unfortunately for the others.

I believe that whatever you believe others to think about you, they do. They might mix it with their own insecurities, but they will get your general vibe. I don’t know how and why it works – I have a few theories but that’s beside this blog – but I believe that everyone is that much of “a mind reader” that they will know how you expect to be treated. If you believe that every person you meet will eventually cheat on you, they will, because you’ll be attracting cheaters. If you believe that nobody will ever respect you, they won’t. If you believe that you are unattractive to the opposite sex, you most certainly will be. It doesn’t even have to be that the people you interact with would be disrespectful or cheating in general, but if they have any of that within themselves, you will be calling it out with your own beliefs.

I wish I could tell you how exactly pull that magic lever that will suddenly make you self-assured and –appreciative, but I can’t. I’m sure there are books written about it. I know that telling nice things about yourself to yourself and challenging your own perception by observing other people’s lives will not harm you. For example; if you believe that men don’t want to commit to anyone, look around you and find the couples that have a commitment to each other and internalize the fact. There ARE people who are willing to commit. If you believe that nobody will ever be attracted to you, ask yourself if there are nice things about you. Honestly. Put the negativity aside when you go and see the mirror.

I remember, before my big revelation, that I was sitting at the mirror and trying to find flaws in my appearance. Finding physical flaws would have been a relief to me, but I told to myself, that “you’re not ugly.” I knew that for sure “you’re not THAT unattractive physically, so there must be something terribly wrong about YOU.” That was true, but seriously not the right way to say it to myself. What I should have said was “You’re not ugly. You’re not stupid. In fact, you’re quite beautiful and smart, so there’s no reason why guys wouldn’t want you. Just cheer up girl!” But that is easier said than… said.

My advice here; Go easy on yourself, and don’t think bad thoughts about yourself or others attitude toward you. You have to be your best friend and tell nice things about yourself to yourself. If you happen to talk disrespectfully to yourself, apologize immediately. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it will teach you that you are worth respect and admiration, and if you can do it, everyone else can too. Most often we are our own worst critics, but we don’t have to be. We can be our own biggest fans too, without being obnoxious about it. You don’t have to shout it over the roof tops that you love yourself; it will be enough if you just do.

And how does this relate to Internet, I hear you wonder. I tell you, it does. Because… Well. I have a friend, who has a profile on HotOrNot. (I’m sorry I had to pull you into this, but you’re just a perfect example, and I won’t tell anyone who you are.) She sometimes complains that “he tried to double match me!” fine, but she continues: “I bet he’s thinking I’m an easy lay because I’ve been single for so long and I’m so old.” All that, because someone clicked a button stating he would want to meet her. When I used HotOrNot, I thought it would be rude to say “no, I don’t want to meet you”, so I NEVER clicked the button that I DON’T want to meet someone. I just skipped the profile without answering.

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