Intimate O(pi)nions

Archive for April, 2009

If you find yourself thinking, that “all men/women are like this” and even if you added a sub group “all Australian men/women are like this” you are most likely wrong.It is time to look into some of your own decisions on how people are and challenge them a bit. There are some cultures in the world that don’t allow their people to grow into a direction they naturally would, but in the civilized world most men, like women, are individuals and should be treated as such.

If you find yourself thinking on behalf of another person, you have to stop yourself right there. You cannot know what they are thinking of you, and you are most likely coloring their thoughts with your own insecurities. Take me for example. I was a bald woman, by choice. Yet when I walk the streets, I often wonder what people think of my bald head. I’m guessing that one must think I’m a lesbian. He probably thinks I’m a Nazi. When in reality, the women most often admire my bravery and men think I must be an artist or a philosopher of some kind. Hardly bad thoughts! If you think men contact you because you seem like an easy lay, well… Unless you are not knowingly trying to put that image out there, they probably don’t think that way. They might as well think that “how in a world is a girl like that still roaming free?!”

Especially us women are “good at” seeing negative things in any comment. Stop that now! It’s good for you.

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If you simply can’t use a picture for your dating profile for some reason, dating online might get too difficult to actually get you anywhere and it might not be for you. However, I have heard of true blind dates gone oh so well.

If you are cute, don’t be afraid to show it. If you’re average put that out there as well. It is damn site more interesting interacting with even the most average of people, than a picture of the cutest dog or the prettiest of flowers. I understand there are some valid reasons why you don’t want your picture out there, but be advised, that if you don’t have such reason, use the photo. If you’re straight out with the way you look, saves you tons of time later, as people won’t expect that you’re a model, as even though you would tell them you’re not, they will always imagine you to be better looking than you are, and disappoint when you’re not – always. So it’s easier to be straight about it – also saves you the embarrassment of not being contacted ever again after they see your picture or have a date with you.

Have you ever heard stories how people hooked up with their ex-boyfriends or some other people they already know but would not normally be interested in? By using your photo and requiring one in return you eliminate the risk of unknowingly dating someone like this. (This has happened to a friend of mine, it’s not just an urban legend. Fortunately she realized she was talking to an ex before things got too far.)

Another advantage about having your picture out in the open is that people will have easier time to “map you” in their head. If you have ever met a person you have interacted with for a long time without “a face” you will know what I’m talking about. It is ALWAYS a surprise to meet people face to face for the first time, as they are never what you expected them to be, even if you had seen their photo. The bigger the difference between their imagination and your looks are, the harder it is for people to grasp who you are and what you are like, even though they knew it in theory.

Give you an example. I had a group of women friends online. Because of their circumstances and the topic, none of them could use a picture of themselves on the site. I had an image of each one of them pictured in my head, and I could even tell how their voice SHOULD sound like. When I finally met them, none of them was anything I imagined them to be, and even though some of them were better looking than I thought I never really recovered from the shock of finding them to look the “wrong kind”. My interest towards them diminished dramatically after that, because they didn’t match my mental image of them. I felt cheated, as they failed my expectations of them.

On the other hand, I have never been disappointed after meeting a person I had a picture of beforehand. Some looked better than in the picture, some looked worse, but at least I had their image somewhat mapped into place in my mind, and I could continue where I left off with them online, as I still felt like I knew them. In a lot of cases I think the “they were nothing like they seemed to be online” feeling is just the shock of finding out that they didn’t look or sound like you thought they would, when all the time they think the same way as they do online.

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Are your friends and family telling you that you need a man or woman to take care of you? Why are they saying that? Can’t you hack it alone? The sad thing is that the time that you are the weakest and lowest in your own life is not the time to start a new relationship. I recently got a virus attack on my computer. Soon after I got an automatic announcement that I should install this anti-virus software that would solve all my problems. I didn’t install it, because I suspected it was software that was pretending to be my friend when my computer was in crisis. You should be equally aware of these real life Trojan horses, people who come into your life when you are weak and desperately in need of a friend. They come in with all the solutions only to eat you up inside later on.

The thing with some people is that they actually do want to be your friend and your savior. That is why they come to those in need. But once you gain strength they will need to make you feel worthless again, as they are afraid you wouldn’t need them anymore if you could handle things for yourself. That is why these people are the biggest real danger you will face in your romantic life, online and offline, not so much the serial killing psychopaths, but these people, that the medical world knows as narcissists.

People who tell you you should learn to love yourself before you can be loved by someone else are absolutely right. You need to know what kind of behavior you are willing to accept from a partner and be assured of the fact that you deserve to be treated with respect in all situations possible. I’ll go into more detail about this later on, but consider this now; Are you strong enough to know love?

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Online dating is not considered romantic by most people. This is, I think, because these people think it’s all too easy to type in the desired sex, age and location and click “search”. Obviously, they never tried it. Online dating is not easy. The advantages of it lie elsewhere, but it’s not about the ease of it. That assumption is also the reason why so many people fail. They go into it like they were using a shopping cart system, and are disappointed, when the response isn’t “your goods will be delivered to you within 3 working days.”

Dating online is easiest for the people who are fluent in people skills in general. The same people that don’t know what to say to women at a dance club won’t know any better online. The only group that gains significant advantage on online dating is the people who find writing a natural form of communication and speaking directly to people slightly scary – people like myself. This is why the belief that online dating is solely for losers, geeks and nerds is not true. Although geeks surely will find themselves more at home at the computer than at the disco bar, we’re still dealing with real, breathing people.

The advantage of online dating is that you don’t HAVE to go out to look for the right one, you can broaden your search outside your town, state or even outside your country (boy did I take that one to heart!) and do that at the time that is good for you. You will meet a lot more people than you would at your local bar, but you will also meet freaks and weirdoes in the same proportion. I’ve always said that the Internet is a great place for dating if you’re a loser or if you’re too picky for your own good. Being too busy aside, I don’t know why the average Joe would want to do online dating unless just for the interest in the method. That was a big motivator for me – besides being picky – I was utterly interested in the technical side of social internet. I’m betting I am not alone on that one, but there is probably more men out there with that side thought in mind.

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