Intimate O(pi)nions

Reading through articles about online dating, they often start with a sentiment along the lines of “now that online dating has become a norm…” I wonder if it really has. When ever I talk about creating an online dating site (MyNook.com.au) my friends look at me funny. They know I found my husband online, and they’re fine with that, but the panic sets in when they think I’m going to ask them to join my site. Many of them say they’re going to tell their friends about it, but won’t promise anyone joining, “because I don’t know if they’re into that sort of thing or not…” with the kind of tone that says “they’re not desperate enough yet.” I think one of my friends had a huge sigh of relief when she found a boyfriend just before my site went live. “Oh I would have joined, but I have a boyfriend now…” I get the feeling, that most people are fine with online dating as long as THEY don’t have to do it, or as long as nobody knows they’re doing it.

I suppose, a few decades ago it was a bit similar if you found your mate in a night club. According to norms, you were supposed to find someone in a respectable place, like at school or work, at a store, hobby group, through friends… Anything but a night club. Even in my times, just about ten years ago, people were sceptical about the possibility of finding true love at a night club. Back then, the rationale was exactly the same as it is now with online dating: People there are not serious about love, they’re just after sex! (And also it was a bit desperate to “hang out at the bar just waiting to hook up with someone”.)

Now that online dating has been invented, night clubs are the right place to look for love, because you can meet the people in person and everyone goes to them anyway. You can tell what they are like as you walk in and you won’t be fooled or killed… Do you notice the sift of attitude? Before we were afraid of all those horrible things happening at night clubs, now they’re just bound to happen online. Now, it’s not good to find love at school, work or through mutual friends, because things can get complicated if things don’t work out.

I think that until they find a way to scan the backs of your eye balls for some hidden genetic code that will match you perfectly with a potential partner, online dating will be the wrong kind of dating… That’s just the way people are.

Popularity: 6% [?]

As I’ve been working on a dating site, I’ve been rather quiet here, sorry. The upside is that my social dating community site is now open for public Beta and I’ll be giving out free “Gold” My Big Nook memberships for the next year for a limited time starting from now. (Let’s see how it goes.)

The basic idea of the site is that unlike on a traditional dating site, where you have to search through profiles to find someone interesting, MyNook functions on the Forum and Chat primarily, allowing  social interaction between members without the pressure of directly marketing oneself as a potential lover to complete strangers. The site design is made less datey looking, to make it more comfortable to hang out on, without having to worry about who is walking behind you any given moment. :p

I’m making  a big point about genuine memberships and honesty, both from admins and members. I’m attempting to create a friendly and safe dating environment, and as my husband put it, run by someone who gives a shit. The site might not seem that fancy to start with, but I have given the functionalities a lot of thought and scraped everything that don’t serve the purpose of finding the right one (for what ever purpose you’re looking for the right partner). In my honest opinion most dating site functions offer a lot of fluff and very little “real beef”. Unfortunately competing sites might have to offer that fluff in order to seem professional, but I’m risking it hoping that people will see behind that.

If you like what you hear, please have a look at http://www.MyNook.com.au and consider signing up for the free My Big Nook plan that is available for a limited time only, but will be valid for a year from registration. (I will give all registered members a warning when I’m going to scrape the free Big Nook option, so if you want to just register for now to wait for others and register for the following year later on, that’ll be an option as well.)

And a request to all bloggers who blog about related stuff; I would really appreciate it if you would try to get the word out for me.

Popularity: 5% [?]

I didn’t mean to sound negative there. Let me explain.

Often, I think when we fill out profiles, we’re thinking about all the possible ways people may think bad of us if we say this or say that, and we might feel tempted to embellish the truth or put a spin on the truth. However, there’s really no need to do this, because there is ALWAYS a negative aspect to everything you could possibly think of to write, if the reader is the type of a person that ALWAYS sees the negative in everything. Let me give you an example. Fill in the income-form, and you can work too much, not work enough, or be a colourless average Joe. If you don’t fill out the form, you are either out of job or secretive. The mere filling out the form might be considered materialistic, or that you expect to support your wife and kids, and therefore have values from the 50’s, expecting your wife to do all the housework and raise the kids and not have a career herself. See what I mean? There’s no way to appear in a positive light if someone wants to see you in the negative.

But why would anyone want to? The simple reason: They are in the mindset that they will not find someone good enough. That is just not the type of future they can realistically see for themselves. They believe that they are doomed to being alone or in a bad relationship, and therefore there has to be something wrong with your profile to justify not contacting you or not responding to your email. They see it as foolish “falling for your bullshit” if they contact you, and therefore, the only option is to decide you’re full of it and not find out for sure. Trust me, this says more about them than what it says about you.

What is there for you to do? Just the same as I always say: Just be honest. That way, you will attract the right person when she or he reads your profile, someone who hasn’t got a pre-decided view on you as they land on your profile. Someone who is capable of positive thinking and believing good about other people. Isn’t that what you want anyway?

Popularity: 8% [?]

Inspired by yesterday’s episode of Beauty and the Geek (Australia) I thought to write specifically to you geeks out there who think they can’t score. :p First of all, I want to tell you that “geek” is no longer a curse word, or an insult, but you should be proud of being a geek. I myself consider myself geeky, but not nearly geeky enough for my own liking. :p Anyway, the point is: Because you’re a geek, you’re smart and you know it, and therefore, everything else that you need to achieve to be attractive to women is well within your reach; you can work out, you can dress better, get a hair cut and work on people skills, but if you can never be smarter than what you are. You can always work on the package and presentation, but you can’t sell buggy software without getting returns, right?

Studious as you are, you should approach the subject of women from a scientific point of view. Psychology, even though not as specific science as the rest, is still a science. And psychology of women is simpler than you think. You CAN understand women, and since you’re smart, you’ll probably be better at it than the jock that will simply see them as beautiful shells that will meet their needs.

Fix the package

1. “Hire a graphic designer team” which in this case means that ask around on Twitter or any online public forum Yahoo Answers for example, for tips on the best hair stylist in your area. Get an appointment and tell them that you’re updating your look from geek to geek chic, and give them free hands to do what they think is necessary. Just go with it, it can’t get any worse, right? And remember that most of us are shocked after a hair cut, it doesn’t mean it’s bad, it’s just that you get scared every time you look in the mirror for the next 4 days. You do own a mirror, don’t you?

2. Go shopping, or see if you already have what is called “Geek chic”. Believe it or not, there are people who are trying to look as smart as you, and since they don’t have the brain, they go for your clothes. Now it’s time for them to give back. Get what the fashion gurus have refined on the basis of geeky clothes, and just tidy up your wardrobe a little bit. There is no need for you to erase geek from you, in order to be attractive. If you don’t believe me, watch this video. Ignore the terms that they use for the clothing, I have no idea what he meant.. You might actually because you’re a geek.. Anyway, if you don’t don’t panic. The key is to find colours that don’t clash (avoid bright colours if unsure, or avoid colours completely and just go with black and white or greys) and to wear clothes that fit well, don’t sag nor squeeze. If you are unsure of what to wear, twitter around for a good shop and go in; tell them you’re going for geek chic and let them work on your look. Once you’re comfortable and they’re happy, you’ve got the look. And remember, you don’t have to turn yourself into a fashion poser, just adapt a little, make some refinements, tidy up. Think of yourself as the real thing, while the fashion chics are trying hard to look like you. In other words, if you make a mistake in your look, it just makes you more real.

How to meet women?

Simple answer for any geek: Get online! There are tons of frustrated but great women online just waiting for someone to talk to them directly, and not try to fool them into believing the guys are for real. There are a lot of practical information in the FREE eBook I wrote, so just get that and have a read. (I’m so happy I can trust you know what a pdf is and that you know how to read!)

Once you’ve got your girl in sight, by following a few simple rules, you’ll ignite attraction:

1. Give her attention, but not too much. You don’t want to make her think that you’re there for her for any whim she might have, and that you’re prepared to serve her on your knees. That’s probably what you’ve been indirectly told to do, and the women that go for this approach are not worth your attention, so quit it. :p Treat them as you would treat any male friend you may (or may not) have. (When you get to the eBook, there’s more about desperation and this is where it is relevant.)

2. Be confident to know that sometimes being unsure of yourself is the most attractive thing you can do. What a contradiction, eh? What I mean by that, is that you can show people that you’re not too sure how to handle yourself and that you are scared, while still be confident in the fact that you are still a lovable person. People don’t love other people for their perfection, they love them for who they are. Therefore not pretending is the best thing to do, and just trust yourself to be good enough as you are.

3. You can talk about Star Trek, Battle Star Galactica, forest fungus, and astronomy if you like, but try not to stay in one topic for too long. Remember to ask your date what she does for fun and for profit, if she has been online for long, if she blogs or that sort. You found her online, so there is a good chance she’s been dealing with computers for some time, and that she might enjoy the net, and that is something you probably relate to in some level anyway. If she gets excited about any topic you come up with, you can safely stay in that topic for as long as she keeps eagerly coming up with responses. Don’t be afraid to stray from the topic by mentioning something that she reminded you of, as long as you don’t interrupt her too brutally. At least let her finish a sentence. :p (Oh and you’ll actually know what a sentence is, you smarty-pants you!) If you get into an awkward pause, just ask her something simple like what is her favourite movie or TV-program, if you bother to watch TV that is. (You might not want to ask about bands or other pop-culture stuff as you might end up having another awkward moment as you won’t know which band she’s talking about, I know I always end up in that pickle myself.)

4. I don’t have a particular appreciation for women who are very fussy about how a date should go, where you should take her, if you pay and how much and the sort, so I won’t give you any lists of that kind. But you should pick the place for 2 reasons; You may be expected to pay for the date, so it has to be in your price range, and also it would be uncomfortable for her to pick a place not being sure of how much you’re willing to pay. Secondly, it shows confidence if you pick the place, and confidence is attractive. Take her where you are comfortable, but obviously your home and her home is off limits for security reasons. My point here is that if she dumps you for not taking her into the right restaurant, then good riddance. Some women are very vocal about not wanting “a cheap date” but what does it really say about them? If you are really nervous, a café is a good place to start, then move on to a movie if you’re not keen on talking too much. If you like talking, which would be good, take the date to your area of expertise and take her to a museum of which you know a lot about and can function as a tour guide if needed. Just remember when you tell her stuff, avoid numbers, but add a lot of stories about the people behind the items, more human stuff, less data, you know? Answer all possible questions very simply, unless your date is as smart as you are.

So there. Some advice contradict the advice of the beauties in the Beauty and the Geek, but that’s simply because the girls there are not aware of their smarts or they simply are not smart, and therefore they don’t like “smart talk”. You don’t have to go for the dimmest light in the Christmas tree though, but find yourself a real gem among women, because you’re smart!

Popularity: 7% [?]

When people talk about online dating, it always comes up that it’s very dangerous. I disagree. While everyone knows that there are dangers involved, we also know that going to your favourite night club and getting pissed out of your brain is not exactly safe either. It’s not like these predators were born with the dawn of online dating, they existed well before the Internet. In the “real life” when we go out, we are used to following certain safety rules, like we don’t leave our drinks unattended so someone can spike them, we don’t hitch hike for a ride with strangers… Well, some people do, but we all know that’s not very wise, but we certainly don’t take walking short cuts through the ghettos, right? In the real life, even after you’ve made all precautions possible, you will be in trouble before you know it, and you can disappear without a trace.

And that is where the biggest difference comes with the Internet. EVERYTHING you do is logged. It doesn’t take much effort for the police to track down the site you used to get the date, with whom and from there move on to what else has your latest date been up to and with whom. That’s not much of a consolation if you have already been killed, but the fact is that the predators know this as well as the rest of us. Even though they could cover their own tracks online, they can’t cover yours. Unfortunately, they too can give false information on the site, and hide who was using it. Therefore, the most important thing for you to remember is NEVER to go on a date without seeing your date’s photo, and if your date doesn’t look like the one you thought you’re going to date, get out. It’s not being shallow, it’s being safe (and don’t get greedy if he/she turns out looking better than the photo, as in not the same person -better). And a good precautionary measure to take is to print out the profile and leave a copy of it by your desk with a date and place written on top if you don’t want to tell your friends. (Nobody needs to know you do that, right?)

The thing that people consider dangerous online, is that you can pretend to be anything you want, and that it’s completely anonymous. What they don’t seem to get, is that the same is true for everyone. You too can be completely anonymous, and only tell things that you want to tell. To go further, you can also lie to people face to face. People who are comfortable writing lies are most likely comfortable telling lies to your face as well. If they’re not, then you’re going to find it out on your first date, no harm done, right? The fact is, that you won’t get in trouble online, you can only get in trouble when online date turns into an offline date. The dangers online is not the anonymity of it, but the fact that there’s a lot more unknowns involved, but the same unknowns that make it dangerous narrow down the amount of offenders who are skilled enough to abuse those unknowns, as you need to be quite the hacker to actually sneak your way into your life without you enabling them. It’s a lot easier to do offline anyway, but if you want to do it online, there’s no reason why you wouldn’t do it on Facebook. Facebook reveals a lot more information about you than most dating sites ever will. You’re surrounded by your friends, but how many times have you accepted a friend request from a person you don’t exactly know, simply because you didn’t want to be rude?

In the “real life”, if someone attacks you, they are not very likely to do that where people can see them. And obviously, it could be any number of people. The attacker has to do a lot of attacks before they can narrow down the possible offenders without any eye witnesses. Online, it only takes one well prepared date to go wrong and the police will at least know what their suspect looks like.

Again, while IRL you can get into trouble before you see a hint of danger, online you can talk to the person for months before actually meeting them. You can keep your antennas up and see if what the person is telling you adds up. You can have webcam conversations that confirm that the profile matches the person. If the person has a violent volatile personality, you will know it sooner rather than later by the things he says to you and how he says them. If you had met this person offline, you probably would be at his apartment by then, but online, you’re still in your own, safe and sound.

The thing is; you can only get in trouble in the real life. Online, the worst they can do to you is absolutely destroy your reputation by lies or hurl abuse at you, but there’s nothing stopping people from doing that offline as well. But that is where it stops online, unless you have revealed information you shouldn’t have. Online people can only hurt you by the things you tell them. You control your mouth, not your friends, not your blabbering mother, not some random by-passer that sees you going into your house. You take the risks online, they are not taken for you like they often are offline. Offline you can be pressured into going to an after-party or to take a ride with a bunch of guys, and even though you have a feeling it’s not a good idea, your friend is insisting on going and you simply have to go with her to make sure she’s okay. Online, things like that simply don’t happen. It’s just about you and what you want to tell people. In that way, you are in complete control.

So, the safe steps in order of execution:

1. Don’t reveal personal information

2. Check that your photos don’t reveal where you are

3. Demand a photo

4. Have a web cam conversation

5. Have a voice conversation over the phone or preferably on Skype.

6. Print out the profile and put in the date time and the place and any other relevant information you have. (What kind of a car he/she drives. Cars are hard to hide.)

7. Go on a date on a well lit public place during day time or early evening. If the photo doesn’t match the face, get out.

8. If your gut instinct warns you, get out.

9. Keep your phone with you.

10. That’s it. Most likely all your precautionary measures have been wasted and you had fabulous time.

Popularity: 7% [?]

“I will love you unconditionally” sounds good, doesn’t it? It is good when it comes to our children, but should never be the case in a romantic relationship. It rarely is and should never be unconditional. It shouldn’t even start without conditions, and most of the time, it doesn’t. Romantic love usually has conditions like; “If you make me laugh, I will love you.” or “If you are sexy, I will love you.” These conditions vary from a person to person, but sometimes the list is very long, sometimes it’s alarmingly short.

If you love someone unconditionally, that means that you should forgive ANYTHING. They can treat you in any way they please, and you will continue loving them. That is obviously not good for you or your self-worth.

The other reason why you should have conditions to your love, is that your love becomes more desirable. If anyone could have you without any conditions, at any time, because you chose to love them first, who would like to be that “anyone”? People want to feel special when they are loved, not a charity case. If they can meet your conditions, they will feel worth loving. What I mean to say is that you’re not only having conditions for your own benefit, but also for your loved one.

This post will be a short one, because the message is easily conveyed. You are worth treating well, and if someone doesn’t they are not worthy of your love. Never mistake unconditional love being the only right kind of love.

Popularity: 6% [?]

Today I wanted to remind you all about safety, even if you are on a Christian dating site. The following is not limited to Christians of course, but I am just making a point. Sometimes I notice that people are very sceptical about online dating in general, but they drop their guard when they go on a Christian dating site, thinking that since they are people of faith, they cannot be bad. Unfortunately, this could not be further from the truth. Christian sites are the PRIMARY target to go to if you are an abusive man with the perfect mask on your face. (I suppose the same goes for women, even though they are a much rarer group.) For someone with a serious personality disorder it is the easiest thing to do to put on a mask when everything you are supposed to say, appreciate and do is written down in one book – the bible. Sadly, the lonelier you are and the higher standards you have for a devout man, the better target it makes you. Let me paint you a worst case scenario.

You meet up with a guy who sounds like a very upstanding, picture perfect character. He believes in God, goes to the church every Sunday and speaks of religious matters without getting lost with words or showing to be ashamed of such topics, like some of these non-religious guys you know do. He speaks strongly about moral values, how he is against sex outside marriage and all that. He may admit to have sinned before, but that he has prayed for his sins and he believes they have been forgiven, and he also asks you if you would forgive him for them. He might also tell you how misunderstood he has been in the past, by his parents, his boss, his ex-wife, even. You think you have finally found a good devout born again Christian, and what’s the best thing about it; he talks about marriage on the first date and proposes on the second. You believe you have finally found a man who hasn’t got commitment issues and is serious about the sanctity of marriage.

Your friends and family are telling you to slow down, but you ignore them, because you know him better than they do. They just don’t understand how you got the reply to your prayers in this man, and they haven’t experienced true love like this. And you are not going to join all those people who judge him for his past sins! You grind your teeth together and decide you’re going to marry this guy whether they like it or not! You may even go into straight on battle with your concerned loved ones, but you stick to your guns and marry him.

Not long after you begin to realise that everything isn’t quite as rosy as you thought it was. His mask is starting to slip. You realise he has anger issues, but he manages to keep them at bay and he always apologies, and also reminds you that forgiveness is the road to God. He points out that none of us is perfect, and that is why we need the forgiveness of Jesus, his sacrificial blood that was shed for our sins. You agree that he is telling the truth and forgive him, because that is what Christians do, besides, you are married already and you are better to make things work. You decide not to mention anything to anyone, as that would be just too embarrassing after they all warned you, and also, you wouldn’t want to worry them anyway.

Slowly things start to get worse. When he gets angry, he no longer just snaps at you, first he shouts, then he slaps and in the end, he hits you so that you fall off your feet. He’s telling you that you are not acting like a Christian wife should and that you have too many wandering thoughts, your skirt is too short or you have one too many buttons open in your shirt, or it’s totally too form-fitting. He needs to set you straight, because that is what a devote Christian husband does, he has to protect you from the influence of the devil, even if it meant he has to beat the devil out of you. You agree that this is what the bible says, and try to conform to his ideal of a perfect wife, you change the way you dress, talk and act. You even change what you are watching on the telly, and if there’s a man on the telly, you make sure you don’t smile or look too interested, because he would teach you not to lust after other men. You do your best to be a good wife, but no matter what you do, he always seems to find something more that is wrong with you. Some days though, he is so loving and caring towards you, that you find yourself thinking that this must be the turning point of your marriage… Before it happens again.

Soon, you get used to your life, and decide this is pretty much the way things are. If you have had children, which most likely you have, the first time you realise something is wrong when your 4-year old looks up to you with big moist eyes and asks you: “Are there daddies who don’t hurt mommies?” That is when you decide you have to get out of there, for your child’s sake. You know however, that getting out is not as simple as ordering divorce papers and having them signed, because your husband believes in no such things as divorce. He consideres you something he owns, not to mention his kids, and your leaving means waiting for the right time, when he is out of town for a few hours, just enough for you to scrape together a few things for the kids and yourself and get out of the house running for the bus, because he won’t let you drive. If you are lucky, you still have a friend to help you, but you have most likely had to cut all contact to your friends and family because they weren’t wholesome enough for your husbands taste and he had to cut out the bad influence from your life. So you get to the women’s shelter hoping that he won’t follow, but you know he will.

It will become a years long battle for custody, and you have to prove to the officials over and over again, that it is not you who abuses the children, it is not you who is out of your mind… He puts on that charming face when ever he meets any of them, and they call you up and tell you a sob story about your perfect ex husband and how difficult all of this is for him and how you should at least consider what is best for your child.

And still, you know you were one of the lucky ones. You got out alive.

Popularity: 6% [?]

Many, many women give up online dating because they get SO MUCH downright assholy emails. (I know it’s not a word but it bloody well should be.) It is a problem on most, if not all dating sites, that there is just that one type of men who simply do not get it. I personally got sick of this. VERY sick. So what I am about to share with you is not exactly a nice thing to do, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Unfortunately this will weed out some pretty cool guys as well, but for the most part, it works. So before giving up, hear my story:

When I was dating, I ran a website about my experiences as a single girl. In time, it grew in popularity so, that I kept hearing that “everyone reads it” and people stopped me on the streets to ask me if I was “the Sebastyne”. It was pretty cool really. One of my most commented sections on the site was my “idiotic email on my dating inbox” -page. It was where I copy-pasted all email from the stupid ass mother fuckers that bothered me. It gave great content for my site, and every time I got a stupid email, I got glad rather than mad, because it was yet another addition to my gallery of morons. That in itself didn’t stop them from emailing me, but when I added a warning on my dating profile, that I WILL PUBLISH idiotic email on my site, and I might not remove your name of it, they diminished to those who really don’t read your profile at all. (To my surprise it became evident that some of these jackasses actually did read it first.)

To further assure that even the biggest jackasses knew that there was something different about my profile, I wrote this on my profile photo: “Please, before you message me, read my whole profile.” THAT caught the eye of even the most impatient, and the flood of idiotic email nearly stopped. That gave me the reputation of the biggest bitch online, but who cares, really? I recommend that where ever you decide to publish these, if you will, you include a link to the “previous morons” so that the good men will realize what utter garbage some guys send your way, and know that you’re not just being a drama queen. The good guys really find it hard to phantom the level of idiocy their fellow men can stoop to.

Do you have some examples to share of these emails? Feel free to add them in the comments, with your commentary attached of course! Be the bitch that bites back!

If you are concerned about legal issues, in some countries there is something called secrecy of correspondence which protects the mail to be opened by any 3rd party, but either the sender or the receiver of the letter is free to publish it, unless it contains something that can be protected under the copyright laws.

——————————————————-

I will publish this one a day early, because of one man who needed no warnings, and wrote me the best email I’ve ever received on an online dating site; My husband of 4 years, and best friend of 5, My Brettels. Happy anniversary, darling, love you heaps.

Popularity: 7% [?]

Now, we’ve already discussed security issues when going on the first online date, but there’s more to it than that. It’s not too complicated though, so this won’t be a long post!

1. Try to look like your profile picture
It creates a lot of trust to find the person you were talking to online to be very similar to what they looked like online. I have received numerous relieved sounding comments in the lines of: “It was so easy to recognise you” or “you look exactly the same!” At the time I was quite puzzled about it, as I didn’t really think about it, I was what I was, but it has dawned on me later on, that a lot of people enhance their photos beyond recognition, or have dyed their hair or have someone else do their makeup or something that makes them look very different to what they normally look like. So when you’re selecting your profile photo, try to keep this in mind; You have to be able to deliver, and also, keep in mind that you will probably meet the person for a coffee or a beer, so wear what you would in those situations.

2. Ask questions, but don’t interview
Sometimes on a date I’ve felt like I was being interviewed for a job. It is a very bizarre and offputting feeling, and instead of trying to fit what they look for, I’ve simply started to wait until it had gone on for long enough so it won’t be rude to leave. I haven’t personally come accross these, but if you have in mind that you should write down questions to ask, please stop yourself right there. You can always ask them later on an email, but meeting face to face should be about finding chemistry and to see if you are attracted to each other “in the real life”.

3. Imagine you’re meeting a friend
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, you should just be yourself, and the best way to do it is to decide you’re with a friend. They might be a friend you haven’t met before, but a friend none-the less. Smile when you feel like smiling, and so forth, don’t think about it too much. If they don’t like you the way you are, you’ll just have to find someone else. Also, try to avoid an overly critical mindset. If you have decided that all men are deceitful bastards, what are the chances of you seeing any good in any man, right? (Decide that this guy MIGHT be an exception to your rule, but don’t ignore obvious signs and your gut feeling.) And no, it’s probably not their loss if they don’t like you, but it’s not your loss either. It’s not about attracting this person, it’s about finding the right person, savvy?

4. What to wear?
Related to points 1 & 3, and the question that is on every girls mind before a date of any kind, and probably guys too, is what to wear. If your closet hasn’t been updated for a while, and all you can find is worn out old rags, then by all means, go shopping. However, if you’re still in the going out every Saturday -mode, you’ll probably be alright just picking your favorite casual wear. The best bet is well sitting jeans and a nice top, something you could wear to a night club, but wouldn’t look too out of place for a café. Girls; high heels are always a bonus, especially if you know your date is tall. This way, you’ve got options to continue the date on another location if it feels just right.

That’s it, not too complicated, isn’t it? If my 60+ year old auntie can do it, so can you!

Popularity: 6% [?]

Sometimes on dating sites and social networking sites, we get contacted by people who somehow automatically assume you remember them even though they haven’t been in contact for months or even years. They send you a friend request or an email picking up where you left off, and never mind to remind you how you know each other. Worst cases you get an email saying something like: “I haven’t written to you for a while, but I just wanted to check if you’d still be interested to see me.” They might have changed their profile pictures and their text so that there’s nothing connecting you to the previous contact, and since they were the ones breaking the contact, you decided they are not interested and deleted all the previous conversations from your inbox because they were there just taking up space.

I personally have the worst memory of faces and people of anyone I know. If someone wants me to remember them, they have to make a really strong impression in good or bad. For example I went to this new school for 2 months, when one morning I got to the class room door and there was a note saying that the class had been moved to a room X. A guy followed me and said out loud: “Oh, I see we have to go downstairs.” I looked at him and thought to myself that I had never seen him before in my life, but that he must be in my class of 15 students judging by his behaviour. Knowing that I have a crappy memory of faces, I pretended like I knew who the bloody hell he was and chit chatted on our way downstairs.

Online, however, people should not assume that others remember them. If it’s a social networking site, it is simply polite to add to that personal message a little bit of a clue of how you know each other. It is considerate, because some people are really uncomfortable adding people they don’t know, and at the same time, too polite to decline invitations. On  a dating site, if you have had a conversation with the person before, and no matter how good of an impression she or he made on you, don’t assume it is mutual! It gives an impression of you thinking a tad too highly of yourself, and even if they did remember you, they might notice that… On the other hand, if you give them a reference to who they are and what you talked about, they might feel like they remember you even if they hadn’t before, as they remember the conversation, but not you. Regarless, it is never unfitting to check that your reader remembers or knows who you are, or makes a connection to the reasons why you contact them. (Unless you do that constantly in every email sent month or less apart, which shows a really poor self-esteem, of course.)

Do’s:

• Include previous email conversations if you have a copy.
• Tell them who you are and how you know each other, and where and when you last were in contact.
• Refer back to a previous conversation.
• Explain why it took you so long to get back to them, and apologize!
• Ask them how they have been.
• If you don’t want to seem obvious of the fact you doubt they remember you, add clues as to where you met or what you talked about, put into a context of your message. Like: “Do you still do pen palling by the way, as I noticed your profile has been inactive on Interpals.net for a while?”

Don’ts:

• Assume they know you after a few emails months ago.
• Assume they are still in the same situation they were months ago. (Ie. that they are still single after 6 months or so, even if their profile said so.)
• Assume they know you of your profile photo even though you have one and they’ve met you IRL. (People change and sometimes the photos don’t look like you as they know you. Especially true with women who change hair style and make-up more than men.)

Popularity: 7% [?]